THE 


MAPT 


WINSTON 


THE   TITLE-MART 


THE    TITLE-MART 

A    COMEDY 

IN     THREE     ACTS 
BY 

WINSTON    CHURCHILL 


gork 
THE    MACMILLAN    COMPANY 

LONDON  :    MACMILLAN  &  CO.,  LTD. 
1905 

Dramatic  rights  reserved 


COPYRIGHT,  1905, 
BY  THE  MACMILLAN   COMPANY. 


Set  up  and  electrotype*!.      Published  October,  1905. 


J.  S.  Cashing  &  Co.  —  Berwirk  &  Smith  Co. 
Norwood,  Mass.,  U.S.A. 


OF    CHARACTERS 


THE  MARQUIS  OF  TREDBURY 


A  young  nobleman  in  finan 

cial  straits. 

Son  of  "  Barking's  china." 
Railroad  President  and  Cap 

tain  of  Industry. 
Lawyer,  man  of  the  world. 
Reporter    on    the   New  York 

Morning  Republic. 
Store-keeper    and    sheriff    of 

Carroll  County. 
EZRA  SWAZEY  ......     His  clerk. 

TILDEN     ........     Valet  to  Lord  Tredbury. 

Butler,  footmen,  etc. 


REGINALD  BARKING,  M.P. 
MR.  JOHN  BLACKWELL  . 

MR.  LAWRENCE  PEPYS   . 
ROY  CLARKSON 

HIRAM  PETERS 


EDITH  BLACKWELL    . 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

LADY  MARJORIE  TICKNOR. 


A  modern,  strenuous,  Ameri 
can  girl.  Incidentally  an 
heiress. 

Second  wife  to  Mr.  Blackwell, 
stepmother  of  Edith. 


M748774 


BALCHVILLE  IN  THE  ADIRONDACKS 

ACT   I 

SCENE.  The  Post-office  and  little  general  store  occupies 
half  of  the  rear  of  the  stage,  the  left  side.  It  is  a  low, 
white  building,  with  a  porch  and  checker-paned  windows 
on  either  side  of  the  door,  where  goods  are  displayed, 
and  signs, 

"  MANNA  BREAKFAST  FOOD,"  etc. 
There  is  a  small  sign, 

"  POST-OFFICE," 
and  a  larger  sign  over  the  porch, 

"  HIRAM  PETERS,  GENERAL  STORE." 

There  is  a  sign  against  the  wall  of  the  Post-office,  of  more 
or  less  permanence  and  size : 

"TIPTON'S  HOTEL  IN  THE  MOUNTAINS, 

ON  LAKE  REGINA, 
EIGHT  MILES  BY  STAGE  FROM  BALCHVILLE. 

LUXURIOUS  SUITES. 

GOLFING,  FISHING,  TENNIS,  BOATING. 

Z.  TIPTON,  PROPRIETOR." 

There  is  also  a  large  poster  in  a  conspicuous  place  adver 
tising, 

"THE  BALCHVILLE  FAIR," 

with  a  list  of  prizes,  trotting  races,  etc.  During  the  act, 
the  Fair  is  supposed  to  be  in  progress.  At  various 

B  I 


2  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

intervals,  when  the  action  is  not  interfered 'with,  the  boy, 
EZRA  SWAZEY,  appears  disconsolately  in  the  doorway 
of  the  store. 

In  front  of  the  store,  in  the  foreground,  is  a  green,  and 
around  a  great  pine  tree  a  seat,  carved  with  various 
designs  and  initials.  In  the  Right,,  rear,  is  seen  the 
landing  dock  extending  into  the  lake,  beyond  it  the  waters, 
and  in  the  distance  the  hills  on  the  farther  side.  There 
is  a  fringe  of  trees  likewise  on  the  extreme  Right  rear, 
and  street  is  supposed  to  come  in  at  Right  front. 

TIME  :  About  4.30  on  an  August  afternoon,  the  present  day. 

AT  RISE  :  The  boy,  EZRA  SWAZEY,  is  discovered  standing 
dejectedly  on  the  porch,  one  hand  in  his  pocket,  the  other 
holding  a  scoop  such  as  is  used  for  coffee,  sugar,  etc.  In 
front  of  him,  on  the  green,  stands  HIRAM  PETERS  him 
self,  sheriff  of  Carroll  County,  a  tall,  vigorous  figure  of  a 
countryman,  sunburned,  with  a  shrewd  but  kindly  face. 
He  has  a  fringe  of  gray  beard  on  his  chin,  but  no  mus 
tache.  He  wears  a  blue  flannel  shirt,  trousers  tucked 
into  his  boots,  a  waistcoat,  no  coat,  and  a  slouch  hat. 
The  waistcoat  is  unbuttoned,  his  suspenders  in  evidence. 
On  the  waistcoat  is  pinned  a  shield,  the  badge  of  his 
office. 

EZRA 

(Spitting  dejectedly  on  the  green.) 
Which  hoss  won  the  first  heat,  Hiram? 

HIRAM 

What's  that  feller's  name  that  lives  over  to 
the    Centre?     Jimson.     Don't    be    cast    down, 
Ezry,  we  can't  all  git  to  the  Fair. 
(Looking  off,  Left.) 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  3 

Here  comes  John  Blackwell.  When  he  was 
your  age  he  didn't  go  to  no  fairs,  and  now  he  kin 
travel  from  here  to  Puget  Sound  on  his  own 
railroad.  Ain't  that  any  comfort? 

(Laughs.) 

(Enter,  Left,  MR.  BLACKWELL.  He  is  a  big 
man,  with  a  kindly,  rugged  face,  smooth-shaven, 
and  is  dressed  in  an  expensive,  loose-fitting, 
dark  cutaway  suit,  such  as  rich  men  with  no 
ostentation  affect.  He  wears  square-toed  boots, 
a  low,  turn-down  collar,  and  gray  felt  hat, 
and  over  his  arm  he  carries  a  linen  duster.) 
How  be  ye,  John? 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Why  aren't  you  at  the  Fair,  Hiram? 

HIRAM 

Ben  thar  all  day.  I  jest  come  over  to  see  ef 
Ezry  had  eloped  with  my  stock  of  goods  and 
Uncle  Sam's  mail.  He's  feelin'  kinder  bad,  but 
I  was  tellin'  him  of  your  career.  The  way  to 
get  rich  is  to  'tend  store  on  Fair  days.  Ain't 
that  so,  John? 

(MR.  BLACKWELL  laughs,  a  hearty,  whole 
some  laugh,  but  says  nothing.) 
My  business  ain't  what  it  used  to  be  —  I  ain't 
made  an  arrest  for  nigh  on  to  two  months,  and 
that  were  only  vagrancy. 


4  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

(Sadly.) 

There  hain't  even  a  confidence  man  at  that  Fair. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
(Laughing.) 
Have  you  seen  any  lords  around,  Hiram? 

HIRAM 

(With  interest.) 
Lords!     No,  have  you  got  a  warrant? 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Laughing.) 

I  wish  you  would  arrest  him,  Hiram.     My  wife 
tells  me  he's  come  over  here  to  marry  Edith. 

HIRAM 

By    jiminy,     that    feller!     The    Marquis    of 
Tred  somethin'  — 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
Tredbury. 

HIRAM 

(With  mock  impressiveness.) 
The  Marquis  of  Tredbury !     He's  got  a  whole 
soot  of  rooms  at  Tipton's.     Guess  Edith's  got 
more  sense  than  to  invest  in  a  shell  game  of  that 
kind,  hain't  she,  John? 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  5 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Dryly.) 
I  hope  so. 

HIRAM 

Say,  when  I  heard  he  was  at  Tipton's  Hotel, 
I  says  to  Bill  Morton,  it  seems  kinder  strange 
that  Mrs.  Blackwell  hain't  got  hold  of  him  and 
fetched  him  up  to  that  palatial  camp  of  yours. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

That's  just  what  she's  going  to  do.  She's 
coming  over  after  him  in  the  launch,  and  he's 
coming  down  from  Tipton's  to  meet  her  here. 

HIRAM 

I  want  to  know! 
(A  pause.) 

John,  you  and  I  used  to  run  around  these  hills 
barefoot  when  we  were  boys,  long  afore  you  went 
to  New  York  and  got  to  be  a  millionnaire.  I 
always  knowed  you  was  smart,  but  I  never  cal- 
lated  to  see  you  a  captain  of  industry.  And  I 
ain't  never  got  above  a  country  storekeeper  and 
sheriff. 

(Patting  the  badge.) 


6  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Laughs  deprecatingly,  takes  out  two 
cigars,  gives  one  to  HIRAM,  and  they 
smoke.  Sighs.) 

Hiram,  do  you  remember  my  grandfather, 
the  Reverend  Cephas  Blackwell? 

HIRAM 

(Laughing.) 

Do  I  remember  him?  Say,  John,  I'll  never 
forgit  the  day  he  caught  you  and  me  stealin' 
apples  outen  Deacon  Saunders'  orchard.  May 
be  he  didn't  tan  us  —  I  want  to  know ! 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Those  were  happy  days,  Hiram. 

(Puts  his  hand  on  HIRAM'S  shoulder.) 

HIRAM 

I've  often  thought  I  could  put  my  finger  on 
one  reason  of  your  success,  John.  You  never 
forgit  old  friends. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Gruffly.) 
Tut,  tut! 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  7 

HIRAM 

Wai,  you  never  did.  When  you  come  back  here 
fifteen  years  ago,  with  all  that  money,  and  bought 
your  grandfather's  farm  I  was  kinder  skeered. 
I  own  to  it.  I  thought  you'd  forgit  Hiram  Peters. 
But,  by  godfrey,  you  most  shook  my  hand  off, 
when  you  seen  me  in  front  of  this  here  store. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
(Grunts  disapprovingly.) 

HIRAM 

John,  them  was  days  afore  your  first  wife  died, 
afore  you  built  this  grand  camp,  when  you  was 
livin'  plain  and  comfortable  in  the  Reverend 
Cephas's  old  house.  I  always  had  a  fancy  for 
that  house.  Now  it  hain't  nothin'  but  a  —  what 
do  you  call  it? 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Sighing.) 
A  lodge. 

HIRAM 

(With  contempt.) 

Wai,  you  hain't  changed,  though  you  hev  got 
all  them  powdered  mummies  in  gold  lace  and 
stockin's  to  wait  on  you. 


8  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

(MR.  BLACKWELL  sighs.  HIRAM  places 
his  hand  on  his  shoulder,  sympatheti 
cally.} 

Don't  take  it  so  hard,  John,  I  didn't  mean 
nothin'.  One  thing,  you  hain't  lost  your  taste 
for  fancy  chickens,  hev  you?  Thar's  some  of  the 
finest  I  ever  see  over  to  the  Fair,  close  to  that  place 
whar  they  hev  the  stun  bolt  contests.  Say,  John, 
thar's  a  little  black  and  red  cock  thar  that  puts 
up  as  fine  as  any  bird  I  ever  clapped  eyes  on.  He 
could  lick  any  chicken  in  your  coop. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Hiram,    I'm   ashamed   of  you.     You   know   I 
don't  buy  them  to  fight. 


HIRAM 

No,  you  don't  buy  'em  to  fight,  but  when  they 
do  fight,  you  hain't  averse  to  lookin'  on.     John, 
I  wasn't  brought  up  with  you  for  nothin'.     And 
that  daughter  of  yours  is  jest  like  you,  a  nice, 
common  lady,  no  airs,  and  my,  hain't  she  pretty ! 
(Enter,  Left,  LORD  TREDBURY  and  MR.    REGI 
NALD  BARKING,  followed  by  TILDEN,  weighted 
down  with  hat  boxes  and  other  luggage,  which 
he  deposits  on  the  grass.     TREDBURY  is  a  well- 
built,    clean-cut,    athletic-looking    young    man, 


ACT  i  THE   TITLE-MART  9 

soberly  dressed  in  a  Hue  serge  suit  and  with 
a  quiet  manner.  MR.  REGINALD  BARKING 
is  heavier  built,  red-jaced,  wears  a  somewhat 
loud  gray  checked  morning  suit,  white  spats, 
and  a  monocle.) 
Speakin'  of  the  devil,  thar's  the  lord  now. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
(Glances  at  BARKING  with  anything  but 

approval.) 
(To  HIRAM.) 

Well,  good-by,  Hiram ;  I'll  see  you  at  the  Fair. 
Did  you  say  they  were  near  the  stone  bolt  place  ? 

HIRAM 

By  godfrey,  I  thought  ye  couldn't  keep  away. 
Say,  John,  take  a  look  at  the  black  and  red. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
(Going.) 
Yes,  yes. 

HIRAM 
And  say,  John,  thar's  a  mottled  one  thar  — 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Yes,  yes. 

(Exit,  Left.) 


10  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  l 

TREDBURY 
Tilden,  you  may  inquire  for  the  mail. 

(Exit  TILDEN  into  the  Post-office.     HI 
RAM  PETERS  watches  them  with  curi 
osity,  not  unmixed  with  contempt.} 
(To  BARKING.) 
No  one  here  yet,  Reggie. 

(TILDEN  emerges  from  the  Post-office 
with  letters.  He  gives  quite  a  number 
to  LORD  TREDBURY,  and  one  or  two  to 
BARKING.) 

BARKING 

(Puts  in  his  glass,  looks  at  his  letters, 
and  thrusts  them  into  his  pocket.  To 
HIRAM.) 

I  say,  my  good  fellow,  is  there  a  chemist  in 
this  place? 

HIRAM 

Guess  you've  made  a  mistake,  Mister,  I'm  a 
damned  bad  feller.     See  that  badge? 

(Pointing  to  the  badge  on  his  waistcoat.) 

BARKING 

(Adjusting    his    glass,    and    examining 

badge.) 

Very    interesting,    I'm    sure.     But,    where    is 
the  chemist? 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  n 

HIRAM 

The  what? 

TREDBURY 
They  call  'em  drug  stores  in  America,  Barking. 

HIRAM 

(To  TREDBURY.) 

Wai,    you   seem   to   hev   some   sense.     Thar's 
a  kind  of  a  drug  store  about  a  block  up  the  road. 
(Points  off  Right.) 

BARKING 
(To  TREDBURY.) 

What  an  interesting  native  !     I  say,  if  you  don't 
mind,  I  think  I'll  be  strolling  up  there. 
(Exit,  Right.) 

HIRAM 

(To  TREDBURY.) 
Hain't  you  going  to  exhibit  him  at  the  fair? 

(TILDEN     claps     his     hand     over     his 
mouth.) 

TREDBURY 

Oh,  he's  a  pretty  good  sort  when  you  get  to 
know  him. 


12  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

HIRAM 

Guess  I  don't  want  to  know  him.     If  he's  a 
lord,  then  I  don't  stand  for  him. 

(Exit,  Left,  in  deep  disgust.) 

TREDBURY 

(Laughing  quietly:    to  TILDEN.) 
Just  run  away  and  pay  that  chap  who  drove  us 
down  here. 

TILDEN 
Very  good,  your  lordship. 


TREDBURY 

(Taking  out  his  letters,  and  going  over 
and  sitting  down  on  the  seat  under  the 
tree.) 

Well,  here  I  am  in  America,  with  fifteen  thou 
sand  pounds'  worth  of  debts,  two  country  places 
mortgaged  up  to  the  leads,  —  assets,  a  letter  of 
introduction  to  Mrs.  Blackwell,  stepmother  to  an 
heiress  worth  twenty  millions. 

(Lights  a  cigarette.) 
Let's  see  what  we  have  here. 

(Opens  lills:  reads  languidly.) 
"Will  your  lordship  please  remit  - 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  13 

(Tears  it  up  into  pieces  and  throws  it 

on  the  grass.     Opens  another.) 
"Will   your   lordship    please   see    that    a   small 
check  - 

(Tears  it  up,  throws  pieces  on  the  grass, 

and  opens  another.) 

"We  shall  not  press  your  lordship  at  this  time, 
as  we  understand  that  your  lordship  is  in  Amer 
ica—"  Ah! 

(Tears  it  up  and  throws  pieces  on  the 

grass.) 
Hello,  here's  a  letter  from  Marjorie. 

(Looks  at  the  outside.) 

Postmarked  Newport,  R.I.,  sent  to  the  steamer 
and  forwarded  here. 

(Opens  it,  reads  a  little  way.) 
I  say,  here's  a  rum  go. 

(Then  reads:) 

"Newport. 
"Dear  Treddy:- 

"I  am  staying  here  in  Newport 
with  the  Windhams.  I  have  just  had  a  note  from 
Lady  Allerdyce  saying  you  were  coming  to  this 
country  on  the  Campagna,  and  it  is  entendu  that 
you  are  going  to  the  Adirondacks  to  visit  the 
Blackwells.  You  and  I  have  always  been  friends, 
and  I  don't  mind  being  frank  with  you.  I  have 
been  in  America  three  weeks,  and  there  are  many 
more  desirable  partis  in  the  country  than  Edith 


I4  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

Blackwell.  Heiresses,  really  attractive  ones,  are 
very  easy  to  get.  This  Blackwell  girl  is  unattrac 
tive,  hoidenish,  impossible. 

(TREDBURY  repeats:  "Unattractive,  hoi 
denish,  impossible ! " ) 

Entre  nous,  she  would  never  do  for  the  Marquess 
of  Tredbury.  I  knew  the  Blackwells  in  London, 
where  I  assisted  in  getting  a  few  invitations  for 
Mrs.  Blackwell,  —  for  a  consideration.  It  was 
a  case  of  noblesse  oblige.  Mrs.  Blackwell  is  one 
of  those  horrid  American  women  who  know  all 
about  titles.  If  you  get  this  before  you  start 
for  the  Adirondacks,  don't  start.  Come  to 
Newport. 

"Lady  Allerdyce  writes  me  that  you  are  crossing 
with  your  friend  of  Oxford  days,  Reggie  Barking, 
of  Barking's  china.  Treddy,  why  wouldn't  he 
do  for  me  ?  I  shall  have  to  marry  some  one  like 
that  soon,  so  bring  him  here.  And  surely  he 
can't  be  after  a  rich  American.  He  will  have  to 
marry  into  the  Aristocracy.  I  saw  him  once 
from  the  Ladies'  Gallery  in  the  House  of  Com 
mons,  when  everybody  was  leaving  because  he 
was  going  to  speak.  But  if  I  married  him,  I 
shouldn't  have  to  listen  to  his  speeches,  and  it 
would  be  better  than  doing  secretary's  work  at 
house  parties.  I  think  I  might  persuade  the 
Duke  to  get  him  a  title. 

"Whatever  you  do,  don't  go  to  the  Blackwells', 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  15 

or  that  designing  woman  will  marry  you  to  her 
stepdaughter  before  you  can  turn  around.  I 
suppose  I  shall  have  to  go  there  before  I  leave 
America.  Mais,  que  voulez  vous?  Beggars  are 
not  choosers. 

"Yours  in  haste, 

"Marjorie  Ticknor." 

(Looking  up.} 
By  jove,  I  wish  I'd  got  that  note  earlier. 

(Looking  around.) 
I  suppose  there's  no  getting  out  of  it  now. 

(Enter  BARKING,  Right.) 

BARKING 

I  say,  Treddy,  Mrs.  Blackwell  isn't  expecting 
me,  you  know.  It  would  be  devilish  awkward 
if  she  didn't  want  me  —  she  only  invited  you. 

TREDBURY 

Never  mind  that,  old  chap,  Americans  have 
the  reputation  of  being  very  hospitable. 

(Aside.) 
Unattractive,  hoidenish,  impossible! 

BARKING 

What  did  you  say? 


16  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

TREDBURY 

Reggie,  I've  had  a  letter  from  Lady  Marjorie 
Ticknor.  She's  in  Newport. 

BARKING 
What,  the  Duke  of  Kay's  granddaughter? 

TREDBURY 

(Absently.) 

By  the  way,  she  had  heard  I  was  travelling 
with  you,  and  wanted  me  to  bring  you  to  New 
port. 

BARKING 

(Putting  up  his  glass.) 
Did  she  say  anything  about  me? 

TREDBURY 

Ahem  —  yes  —  said  she'd  seen  you  in  the  House 
—  or  something  of  that  sort. 

BARKING 
You  don't  mind  reading  it,  do  you,  Treddy? 

TREDBURY 

It  wouldn't  be  at  all  good  for  you,  Reggie. 
She  gives  you  rather  a  puff,  you  know. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  17 

BARKING 

Does  she,  now  !    This  is  a  red-letter  day  for  me. 
(Drawing  a  letter  from  his  pocket.     Im 
pressively.) 

The  governor  has  made  a  few  —  er  —  contri 
butions  to  the  party,  you  know  —  and  he  expects 
to  be  made  a  lord  any  day. 

TREDBURY 

I  congratulate  you,  old  chap.  Why,  that  means 
you  will  have  a  title. 

BARKING 
Er  —  yes. 

TREDBURY 

You  look  more  —  like  a  person  with  a  title 
than  I  do.  Every  one's  picked  you  out  for  the 
lord,  at  first. 

(Sighs.) 

I  wish  to  the  devil  you  would  take  my  title  and  use 
it  until  you  get  your  own. 

BARKING 
What  do  you  mean? 

TREDBURY 

Just  that.  Take  the  title  and  use  it  as  long  as 
you  want.  I  should  be  infinitely  obliged  to  be 


1 8  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

relieved  of  it  for  a  while,  —  and  it  can't  make  a 
great  deal  of  difference  here  in  America. 

(With  inspiration.) 

By  jove,  why  not  begin  on  Mrs.  Blackwell  to 
day?  She's  sure  to  take  you  for  me  when  she 
comes  down  here.  Let  her  think  so. 

BARKING 
By  jove,  it  would  be  a  rum  joke.     And  you? 

TREDBURY 

I  will  go  as  plain  Mr.  Barking,  of  Barking's 
china.  I  beg  pardon  —  as  Reginald  Barking, 
M.P. 

BARKING 

(Admiringly:   slapping  his  shoulder.) 
I  say,  Tredbury,  that  would  be  like  you.     You 
haven't  changed  a  bit  since  Oxford.     I  believe 
you're  the  wildest  devil  in  England. 

TREDBURY 

If  you're  going  to  have  the  title,  you'll  have  to 
get  over  that  beastly  habit  of  thumping  people, 
Barking.  I  suppose  you  inherit  it. 

BARKING 

I  suppose  I  do.  My  old  governor  used  to  say 
that  it  was  worth  more  to  him  to  be  seen  slapping 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  19 

a  lord  on  the  back  than  to  have  his  charity  sub 
scriptions  published. 

TREDBURY 
(Glancing  around.) 
And  this  is  wasted ! 

(He  sits  down  on  the  bench,  and  lights  a 

cigarette.) 

Reggie,  I'm  really  serious.  Take  my  title  when 
we  go  up  to  the  Blackwells',  there's  a  good-hearted 
chap. 

BARKING 

But  there's  the  heiress.     She  might  fall  in  love 
with  me,  you  know. 

TREDBURY 
Oh,  no,  she  wouldn't. 

BARKING 

I  don't  think  it's  quite  decent  to  say  that.     She 
might  fall  in  love  with  me. 

TREDBURY 

(Looking  him  over  critically.) 
I  find  it  very  difficult  to  lie  to  you,  Reggie. 
She  might  take  a  fancy  to  you,  of  course  —  there's 
the  off  chance.     I  should  be  willing  to  make  the 
odds  twenty  to  one. 


20  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

BARKING 

(Indignantly.) 
Pounds  ? 

TREDBURY 
Guineas,  if  you  like. 

BARKING 

Of  course,  you're  in  a  bad  humor.  That  may 
account  for  it.  But  upon  my  word,  I  don't  see 
why  you  should  go  out  of  your  way  to  insult  me. 
I've  always  thought  —  er  —  I  wasn't  bad  looking, 
you  know. 

TREDBURY 
Who  said  you  were  bad  looking? 

BARKING 

(Offended.) 
You  inferred  it. 

TREDBURY 

Nothing  of  the  kind.  I  said  it  wasn't  probable 
that  Miss  Blackwell  would  fall  in  love  with  you. 
No  more  it  is. 

(Examining  BARKING  critically.) 
You're    a    very    imposing,    distinguished-looking 
person,  Reggie,  but  —  er  —  you're  not  precisely 
the  kind  women  leave  their  husbands  for. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  21 

BARKING 
(Starting.) 

I  say! 

TREDBURY 

(Continuing  contemplatively. ) 
Now,  if  you  were  to  go  up  there  to  the  Black- 
wells',  this  little  affair  of  Miss  BlackwelFs  getting 
married  to  a  title  would  languish  of  itself.  You 
wouldn't  want  an  ugly  girl,  and  she  wouldn't 
want  you. 

BARKING 

You  didn't  say  she  was  ugly. 

TREDBURY 

Didn't  I?    Well,  she  is.     I've  been  told  so,  - 
on  the  best  authority.     She's   unattractive,  hoi- 
denish,  impossible,  —  and  you  won't  fancy  her. 
It  will  only  be  for  a  day,  and  we'll  go  on  to  New 
port  to-morrow. 

(Rises,  and  crosses  over  Right.) 
I  think  I'll  go  and  see  what  became  of  Tilden. 

(Exit,  lower  Right.) 

BARKING 

(Calling  after  him.) 
I  say,  you've  quite  offended  me,  you  know. 


22  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

(To  himself.) 

Confound  'em,  they're  so  dashed  sure  of  them 
selves  ! 

(Enter,  Left,  EDITH  BLACK  WELL.  She  is  a  very 
handsome  girl,  dressed  in  a  linen  riding  habit, 
such  as  is  worn  in  the  country,  and  she  swings 
a  hunting  whip.  She  barely  glances  at  BARKING, 
and  goes  into  the  Post-office.  BARKING  takes 
out  his  glass,  fixes  it  in  his  eye,  and  looks  after 
her.) 

By  jove,  what  a  ripping  girl ! 
(EDITH  comes  out  of  the  Post-office  with  two  letters 
in  her  hand.  She  flashes  an  amused  look  at 
him,  goes  slowly  down  Left,  sits  down  on  the 
seat  under  the  tree,  and  begins  to  read  her 
letters,  glancing  at  him  from  time  to  time  with 
the  same  amused  look.  When  she  looks  at  him, 
BARKING  looks  away,  but  keeps  his  glass  in, 
and  when  she  drops  her  eyes,  he  looks  at  her 
again.  He  coughs  from  time  to  time.) 
Devilish  fetching,  by  jove ! 

(Coughs.) 
Devilish  fetching ! 

(Coughs  again.) 

EDITH 

(Looking  up  at  him  again.) 
You  really  ought  to  take  something. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  23 

BARKING 

(Overcome.} 

Er  —  I  beg  pardon.     Take  something,  did  you 
say? 

EDITH 

For  the  cough.     I  am  afraid  you  will  go  into  a 
decline. 

BARKING 

(Trying    to    be    coquettish.     Completely 

misunderstanding  her.) 
Oh,  I  say,  how  jolly  of  you ! 

EDITH 

(Coolly.) 

How  jolly  of  me? 

BARKING 
Er  —  to  speak  to  me. 

EDITH 

It    was    merely    charity,    because    you    don't 
appear  to  be  able  to  take  care  of  yourself. 

BARKING 

It's  awfully  jolly  to  have  some  one  to  look  after 
one,  you  know. 


24  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

EDITH 

Is  it? 

(Glances  at  the  luggage  on  the  grass.) 
What's  become  of  your  guardian? 

BARKING 
Er  —  I'm  alone. 

EDITH 

That  isn't  very  complimentary  to  me. 

(BARKING  starts  to  explain.) 
Alone  in  America,  I  suppose  you  mean.     How 
appalling ! 

BARKING 
Er  —  that  is  — 

(Hesitates,  and  continues  to  look  at  her 
through  the  monocle.} 

EDITH 

You  have  come  over  here  to  learn  to  speak 
English  fluently,  I  gather.  I'm  afraid  it  will 
take  a  long  time. 

BARKING 
Oh,  I  say ! 

EDITH 

(Rising,    and   apparently   becoming   fas 
cinated  by  the  monocle.} 

I  wish  I  could  do  that.  Do  you  suppose  it 
would  fit  my  eye? 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  25 

BARKING 

(Overwhelmed.} 
I'm  sure  I  don't  know. 

EDITH 

Does  it  come  off? 

BARKING 

(Solemnly  dropping  it  out  oj  his  eye.) 
See !    Like  that. 

EDITH 

I  wonder  if  I  could  do  it. 

(BARKING  unfastens  it  from  his  coat  and 
hands  it  to  her.  She  puts  it  in  her  eye, 
and  glances  coldly  at  BARKING.) 

Er  —  Lord  Tredbury,  I  believe. 

BARKING 

By  jove ! 

(Aside.) 
She's  taken  me  for  Treddy. 

EDITH 

(Mimicking   BARKING,   drops   the  glass 
out  oj  her  eye.     She  hands  it  to  him.) 
I  say,  my  stepmother's  coming  for  you. 


26  THE   TITLE-MART 

BARKING 
Er  —  I  beg  pardon  —  your  stepmother? 


EDITH 

Yes,  my  stepmother.  Do  you  imagine  for  a 
moment  that  a  young  man  with  a  title  could  be  in 
the  surrounding  country  without  her  coming  for 
him? 

BARKING 

(Agitated,  astonished.} 
Er  —  might  I  ask  to  whom  I  am  speaking  ? 

EDITH 
Certainly.     I'm  Miss  Blackwell. 

BARKING 

You're  —  you're  Miss  Blackwell ! 

(Backs    away    from    her,    and    suddenly 
begins  to  laugh  at  the  joke  on  TRED- 

BURY.) 

EDITH 
What's  so  funny  about  that? 

BARKING 

(Embarrassed.) 
Nothing.     I  beg  pardon,  I'm  sure.     I  was  —  er 


ACT  I  THE    TITLE-MART  27 

-  er  —  surprised  —  that's   all  —  surprised.      Do 
you  know  who  I  thought  you  were? 

EDITH 
I  haven't  the  faintest  idea. 

BARKING 

(Blurting.} 
Dotty  Davenport. 

EDITH 
Dotty  Davenport ! 

(Laughs.) 
Oh,  the  actress. 

BARKING 

Er  —  there  is  a  remarkable  resemblance,  you 
know  —  only  you  are  better  looking. 

EDITH 
Thanks. 

BARKING 

(After  an  awkward  pause.) 
Do  you  know,  I  expected  to  find  you  quite  ugly 
and  unattractive. 

EDITH 
You  must  have  been  reading  Henry  James. 


28  THE   TITLE-MART 


ACT 


BARKING 
I  have  been  thinking,  instead,  of  Guinevere. 

EDITH 
Never  heard  of  her.     Was  she  fast? 

BARKING 

(Overcome.) 

Er  —  fast !     By  jove,  that's  awfully  good,  you 
know. 

EDITH 
Did  she  have  a  record? 

BARKING 

(Bursting  into  laughter.) 

How  awfully  jolly  you  are  !     I  say,  she  did  have 
rather  a  record, 

EDITH 
She  was  a  thoroughbred,  of  course? 

BARKING 

(Laughing  loudly.) 

Oh  —  er  —  yes,    a    thoroughbred.      How    hu 
morous  you  Americans  are. 


ACT  i  THE   TITLE-MART  29 

EDITH 

I  shall  look  her  up.     Did  you  say  her  name  was 
Guinevere  ? 

BARKING 

(Screws  in  his  monocle.) 
She  wasn't  a  horse,  you  know;  she  was  a  queen. 

EDITH 
Is  that  all? 

BARKING 
You've  never  read  Tennyson? 

EDITH 

Let  me  see.      He  wrote  one  of  the  Badminton 
series,  didn't  he  ? 

BARKING 
Oh,  by  jove !     He  was  a  poet. 

EDITH 

(Appearing  to  lose  interest.) 
Oh !     I  should  hardly  have  thought  you  poeti 
cal,  Lord  Tredbury. 

BARKING 
I  say,  do  you  think  I  look  like  a  lord? 


30  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

EDITH 
Certainly. 

BARKING 
Do  I  —  er  —  act  like  a  lord  ? 

EDITH 
If  one  may  call  it  acting. 

BARKING 

(Laughing.) 
Oh,  I  say,  dashed  clever! 

EDITH 

I  can't  stay  here  talking  to  you  all  day.  I 
promised  my  father  to  meet  him  at  the  Fair. 

BARKING 
Oh,  I  say,  mayn't  I  go  along? 

EDITH 

I  am  afraid  you'll  have  to  wait  for  my  step 
mother.  I  suppose  the  motor  boat  has  broken 
down  again,  but  don't  be  discouraged.  My  step 
mother  will  get  you. 

(Edith  picks  up  the  riding  whip,  smiles 
at  him,  and  exit,  Left.} 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  31 

BARKING 

(Sticking  in  his  glass,  and  looking  after 

her.) 

Phew!     Ugly,    unattractive,    hoidenish!      By 
jove,  I  believe  I'll  go !     What  a  joke  on  Treddy  ! 
(Enter,  Right,  LORD  TREDBURY.) 

TREDBURY 
Who  was  the  lady,  Reggie? 

BARKING 
Er  —  what  lady  ? 

TREDBURY 
Oh,  come  now,  what  lady ! 

BARKING 

Er  —  you  mean  that  was  just  here?  Er  — 
by  the  way,  Treddy,  did  you  ever  see  Dotty 
Davenport? 

TREDBURY 

I've  seen  her  photograph.  She's  one  of  the  few 
I  haven't  known,  and  I've  always  wanted  to.  Do 
you  mean  to  say  that  was  Dotty  Davenport? 

(Steps  over  Left,  apparently  gazing  after 

her.) 
By  jove,  she  can  ride!     What's  she  doing  here? 


32  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

BARKING 
Er  —  staying  at  the  Blackwells'  camp. 

TREDBURY 
That's  rather  fortunate. 

BARKING 

And  —  er  —  I  say,  deuced  odd,  you  know, 
but  she  took  me  for  you.  She  called  me  Lord 
Tredbury. 

TREDBURY 

I'm  almost  reconciled  to  going  up  to  the  Black- 
wells'.  Where's  she  gone  now? 

BARKING 
To  the  Fair,  she  said. 

TREDBURY 
To  the  Fair,  eh? 

BARKING 
You  think  Miss  Davenport  attractive? 

TREDBURY 
Don't  you? 


ACT  i  THE   TITLE-MART  33 

BARKING 

Er  —  not  very.  You  know  I  never  had  your 
passion  for  actresses. 

TREDBURY 

Reggie,  I'm  afraid  you'll  have  to  assume  the 
title  for  this  visit.  It's  thrust  upon  you. 

BARKING 

(With  pretended  reluctance.) 
Couldn't  think  of  it. 

(The  sound  of  a  motor  boat  is  heard.) 

TREDBURY 
(Stepping    behind    the    Post-office    and 

looking  off  into  the  lake.) 

There  comes  Mrs.  Blackwell  now.  Do  be 
decent,  Reggie,  it  can't  do  any  harm.  Er  — I 
imagine  Mrs.  Blackwell,  from  what  I  hear  of  her, 
will  enjoy  the  joke.  And  just  say  that  you  have 
a  friend  you  would  like  to  bring  along  —  a  Mr. 
Barking. 

(Goes  over  Left.) 

BARKING 

A  Mr.  Barking.     Where  are  you  going?  ^ 

(The  sound  of  a  band  is  heard  in  the 
distance.) 


34  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

TREDBURY 

I  think  I'll  step  over  to  the  Fair.     It  can't  be 
far  away.     I  hear  it.     I've  always  been  interested 
in    Fairs.     You    might    stop    there    for   me  —  if 
Mrs.  Blackwell  is  willing  to  put  me  up. 
(Exit  Left,  swinging  his  stick.) 

BARKING 

(Calling  after  him,  in  a  panic.) 
I  say,  Tredbury,  don't  be  an  ass.     It's  impos 
sible.     The  man's  mad  —  mad  ! 

(Calling.) 

I  say  —  come  back  ! 

(Glances  fearfully  behind  him,  and  goes  over 
extreme  lower  Left  and  stands  with  every  ap 
pearance  of  being  about  to  run  after  him.  EZRA 
SWAZEY  comes  out  of  the  Post-office,  his  pencil 
behind  his  ear,  a  scoop  in  his  hand,  and  spits. 
Enter  from  Right,  rear  of  Post-office,  MRS. 
BLACKWELL  and  LAWRENCE  PEPYS.  MRS. 
BLACKWELL  is  a  pretty  woman  of  about  thirty- 
five,  very  elaborately  dressed,  has  many  social 
airs,  and  talks  too  rapidly  for  interruption. 
PEPYS  is  a  comfortable,  healthy-looking  gentle 
man  of  about  forty  years,  in  gray  flannels  and  a 
straw  hat.  When  he  takes  off  the  hat  it  is  seen 
that  he  is  a  little  inclined  to  baldness.) 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  35 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Thank   heaven,  there's   the   luggage!     I   was 
afraid  we'd  missed  him. 

(Nudging  PEPYS,  and  going  forward.) 
There  he  is !     I  should  have  known  him  any 
where,  Larry.    They  are  so  unmistakable  !    Ahem  ! 

(BARKING  turns.) 

I  believe  I  have  the  pleasure  of  addressing  Lord 
Tredbury.     Dear  Lord  Tredbury,  I'm  so  sorry  to 
keep  you  waiting,  really.     I  scarcely  know  how  to 
apologize.     But   motor   boats   are   so   uncertain, 
and  there  was   something   the  matter  with   the 
cylinder  —  wasn't  it  the  cylinder,  Larry?  —  Yes. 
Once  we  were  on  the  lake  nearly  half  the  night. 
(She     has    approached    him     effusively 
and  taken  his  hand.     BARKING  over 
whelmed  with  embarrassment,  and  try 
ing  to  get  a  word  in.) 

Why  didn't  you  come  up  to  the  camp  at  once, 
instead  of  going  to  Tipton's  Hotel  and  sending  me 
Lady  Deering's  letter?  You  would  have  been  so 
welcome.  I  love  English  people,  and  they  have 
been  so  kind  to  me.  How  did  you  leave  dear 
Lady  Deering? 

BARKING 

But,  I  say,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  I'm  not  — 
(Enter  EDITH,  Right.) 


36  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
Here's  Edith ! 

EDITH 

Isn't  Papa  here?  They  told  me  at  the  Fair 
he  was  coming  over  here  with  Hiram  to  get  a 
crate  for  some  chickens  he'd  bought. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Going  to  her:   impressively.) 
My  dear,  here's  Lord  Tredbury ! 

EDITH 

(Nodding  to  BARKING,  carelessly.) 
Yes,  I've  been  talking  to  him.     I  wonder  where 
Papa  can  be? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

You've  —  you've  been  talking  to  him  ! 

(Aside,  to  EDITH.) 

Oh,  Edith,  how  could  you  have  left  him !  My 
dear,  I  may  not  have  told  you.  One  of  the  oldest 
titles  in  England ! 

EDITH 

Yes,  yes,  you  told  me,  —  quite  threadbare,  I 
should  say. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  Edith,  you  must  try  not  to  shock  him  — 
you  shock  everybody. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  37 

(Enter  man  in  livery,  from  motor  boat.) 
Gustave,  put  Lord  Tredbury's  luggage  on  the 
boat. 

(Man  takes  luggage.) 

BARKING 
Oh,  please,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  I  must  explain  — ! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

/  am  the  one  to  explain.     But  first  let  me  intro 
duce  you  formally  to  Miss  Blackwell  — 

(BARKING  bows.) 
and  allow  me  to  present  Mr.  Pepys. 

(The  men  bow.) 

And  now  we  really  must  be  going  if  we  are  to  have 
any  tea. 

BARKING 
(Aside.) 

My  God!   what  shall  I  do?     I'll  let  Tredbury 
explain. 

(Aloud.) 

I  say,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  would  you  mind  going  to 
the  Fair  for  a  few  moments? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

To    the    Fair!     Dear    Lord    Tredbury,    you 
couldn't  possibly  take  any  interest  in  an  ordinary 


38  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

American  Fair  —  such  a  hodge-podge  —  and  such 
smells !     And  they  are  not  even  opened. 

BARKING 

The  fact  is  —  I  should  like  awfully  to  see  it. 
I  have  a  friend  — 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Why,  of  course,  it  might  be  amusing  —  it's  so 
barbaric  —  if  you  can  stand  the  smells.  Come, 
Edith,  we'll  all  go. 

EDITH 

I  have  to  stay  here.  I  promised  Papa  I'd 
meet  him. 

(To  PEPYS.) 

Larry,  I'll  bet  you  ten  dollars  my  mare  beats 
your  old  motor  boat  home. 

PEPYS 
(Laughing.) 
You  ought  to  give  odds. 

EDITH 

(To  EZRA,  who  is  on  the  porch.) 
Ezra,  I  want  to  telephone  to  the  Centre. 

(With  a  little  coquetry,  to  BARKING.) 
I'll   see   you   at    tea,    Lord    Tredbury.      Your 
English  seems  to  be  improving. 
(Exit  into  store.) 


ACT  !  THE   TITLE-MART  39 

BARKING 

(Looking  after  her,  through  his  glass.) 
By  jove ! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Smiling  with  appreciation   at   his   ob 
vious  admiration.) 

Edith  is  quite  a  personage;  I'm  sure  you'll 
like  her.  Come,  Lord  Tredbury,  we'll  go  by 
the  launch.  It's  shorter. 

(MRS.  BLACKWELL,  BARKING,  and  PEPYS 

going  around  the  Post-office.) 
But  mind,  I  don't  hold  out  any  hopes  of  the 

Fair. 

(Exit  MRS.  BLACKWELL,  BARKING,  and 

PEPYS.) 

EZRA 

(Spitting  vindictively.) 
Everybody  gits  thar  but  me. 

(Enter   LORD   TREDBURY,    followed   by 

TlLDEN.) 

TREDBURY 

I  wonder  how  the  deuce  I  missed  her  1 

(To  TILDEN.) 
What's  become  of  the  luggage? 

TILDEN 
I  'int  touched  it,  me  lord. 


40  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  1 

TREDBURY 
Where  have  you  been  all  this  time  ? 

TILDEN 

I  'ad  to  find  the  man  with  the  'osses,  me  lord. 
I  come  across  'im  at  last  in  a  public  'ouse. 

EZRA 

Say,  Mister,  Mrs.  Blackwell  took  your  things, 
along  with  that  other  lord,  and  went  off  to  the 
Fair  in  the  la'nch. 

TREDBURY 
Oh,  thanks.     Tilden! 

TILDEN 

Yessir. 

TREDBURY 

Go  to  the  Fair,  find  Mr.  Barking,  and  be  care 
ful  to  address  him  as  Lord  Tredbury  — 

TILDEN 
Tm  a  lord,  your  lordship ! 

TREDBURY 
Call   him  Lord   Tredbury,  and  speak  of   me 


ACT  I  THE    TITLE-MART  41 

as  Mr.  Barking.     And  tell  him  Mr.  Barking  is 
here  waiting  for  him.     Do  you  understand? 

TILDEN 

Perfectly,  me  lord.  I've  done  strange  things 
for  your  lordship  before. 

TREDBURY 

And  then  you  are  to  go  to  Tipton's  Hotel,  and 
stay  there  until  I  send  for  you. 

(TILDEN  tips,  and  exit,  Left.  TREDBURY 
lights  a  cigarette,  crosses  over  and  sits 
down  on  the  seat  with  the  tree  between 
him  and  the  Post-office.  EDITH  comes 
out  of  Post-office.) 

EZRA 

(To  EDITH.) 
Say,  which  is  the  lord,  anyway? 

EDITH 
What  do  you  mean,  Ezra  ?     I've  only  seen  one. 

EZRA 

Well,  thar's  been  two  stoppin'  at  Tipton's. 
And  while  you  were  in  telephonin'  the  other  one 
come  here  with  his  hired  man  —  he's  thar  now, 


42  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

whar  the  smoke  is  behind  the  tree  —  he  come 
here  with  his  hired  man  and  told  him  to  go  to 
the  Fair  and  call  the  other  lord  something  or 
other.  Say,  I  guess  I  ought  to  tell  Hiram.  This 
is  a  con  game.  These  Fairs  always  bring  crooks. 

EDITH 

(Looks  at  him,  then  puts  her  hand  to  her 
mouth  to  suppress  laughter.  Goes  for 
ward,  peeks  around  the  tree  at  the 
unconscious  TREDBURY,  then  returns. 
Takes  a  dollar  from  her  purse  and 
hands  it  to  EZRA.) 

I'll  give  you  that  if  you  say  nothing  about  it  to 
any  one.  And  don't  tell  him  who  I  am  even  if 
he  asks  you. 

EZRA 

Gee  Whiz,  I  promise.  Cross  myself.  Say, 
this  is  better  than  goin'  to  the  Fair. 

(EDITH  approaches  TREDBURY  from  be 
hind,  and  swinging  her  whip  from 
the  lash,  purposely  comes  very  near 
TREDBURY'S  head  with  it.) 

TREDBURY 

(Starting  to  his  feet.) 
Easy  there ! 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  43 

EDITH 
Pardon  me. 

TREDBURY 
I've  been  looking  everywhere  for  you, 

EDITH 

For  me? 

TREDBURY 

Yes.  I  heard  you'd  gone  to  the  Fair,  and 
missed  you  there.  You  see,  I've  always  wanted 
to  meet  you,  Miss  Davenport.  I  —  er  —  ad 
mire  the  profession. 

(EDITH   stifles   a   desire   to   laugh,    and 

continues   to   look   at   him,   which   he 

finds  disconcerting.) 

I've  —  I've  always  wanted  to  see  you,  but  by 
bad  luck  I  was  in  Switzerland  when  you  played 
"Banbury  Cross"  in  London.  If  I  may  be 
allowed  to  say  so,  you're  one  of  the  very  few 
actresses  who  doesn't  disappoint  off  the  stage. 
And  when  I  heard  that  Dotty  Davenport  was 
staying  at  the  Blackwells'  - 

EDITH 
Is  it  indiscreet  to  ask  to  whom  I'm  speaking? 


44  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  l 

TREDBURY 

I'm  not  sure  that  I  quite  know. 

(Hastily.) 

You  see,  I'm  quite  overcome  at  this  unex 
pected  meeting. 

EDITH 

This  not  knowing  who  one  is  seems  to  be  a 
British  characteristic.  Perhaps  I  can  help  you. 
Have  you  a  card  case  in  your  pocket,  or  an 
accident  insurance  policy? 

(TREDBURY    continues    to    gaze    at    her 

with  quiet  admiration.) 

If  I  had  happened  to  hit  you  with  the  head  of 
this  riding  whip,  you  might  never  have  been 
identified.  In  addition  to  recalling  me,  have  you 
any  previous  recollections? 

TREDBURY 

(Enraptured.) 

I'm  rather  glad  you  didn't  hit  me  on  the  head, 
you  know. 

EDITH 
It  might  have  jogged  your  memory. 

TREDBURY 
I  got  a  nasty  lick  with  a  polo  mallet  once. 


ACT  I  THE  TITLE-MART  45 

EDITH 
Perhaps  that's  what's  the  matter  with  you. 

TREDBURY 

(Straightening  up.) 

Oh,  come  now,  you  don't  think  there's  anything 
the  matter  with  me. 

EDITH 

It  does  strike  me  as  a  little  strange  that  you 
can't  remember  your  name.  I  met  another 
Englishman  who  looked  as  if  he  didn't  know  his 
name  not  twenty  minutes  ago,  —  Lord  Tredbury. 
Do  you  know  him? 

TREDBURY 
I  —  er  —  yes. 

EDITH 

You  seem  a  little  ashamed  of  it.  Is  he  dis 
reputable  ? 

TREDBURY 

Oh,  quite  the  contrary.  A  sober,  reliable, 
steady-going  sort  of  chap.  Would  you  mind 
telling  me  what  you  are  laughing  at? 


46  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

EDITH 

I'm  relieved  to  hear  it.  I  heard  he'd  gamed 
away  his  castle,  and  drunk  up  the  family  library. 
It's  made  him  awfully  dry.  And  —  well,  I  can't 
tell  you  everything.  He's  supposed  to  be  the 
worst  case  in  England. 

TREDBURY 

(Sadly.) 

I'm  sure  you  do  him  an  injustice.  He  doesn't 
look  like  a  rake,  does  he? 

EDITH 

No.  If  I  had  seen  you  two  together,  I  should 
have  picked  you  for  the  part. 

TREDBURY 

(Bowing.) 
I  feel  flattered. 

EDITH 
He  seems  much  too  stupid. 

TREDBURY 

Thanks  very  much.  Then  you  were  disap 
pointed  in  Tredbury? 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  47 

EDITH 

Oh,  no,  not  disappointed.  He  was  quite  what 
I  expected  —  an  uninteresting  titled  person  with 
out  any  brains. 

(TREDBURY  laughs.) 

I  don't  care  at  all  for  titles  —  that's  one  of  my 
failings.     I  hope  you  haven't  one,  too. 

TREDBURY 
Have  you  ever  heard  the  name  of  Barking? 

EDITH 
I  once  existed  off  it  —  in  the  nursery. 

TREDBURY 
(Solemnly.) 
Er  —  my  name's  Barking  —  Reginald  Barking. 

EDITH 

Are  you  quite  sure?  But  you  look  too  clever 
to  make  a  mistake  of  that  kind.  As  for  Lord 
Tredbury,  of  course  it  is  too  much  to  expect  that 
he  should  always  remember  his  name. 

(TREDBURY  laughs.) 
What  are  these  things? 

(She  stoops  and  picks  up  some  of  the 
remnants  of  TREDBURY' s  letters,  which 
are  strewn  on  the  grass;  reads:) 


48  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

"To  H.  I.  and  A.  M.  the  Emperor  of  Austria. 
Will  Lord  Tredbury  kindly  oblige  us  with  a 
cheque?  "  Is  that  the  way  Lord  Tredbury  treats 
his  bills? 

TREDBURY 

Well  —  er  —  in  England,  the  fact  is  that  trades 
men  haven't  much  respect  for  people  who  pay 
them  promptly.  Of  course  they're  paid  sooner 
or  later  — 

EDITH 
But  who's  going  to  pay  Lord  Tredbury's? 

TREDBURY 

(Greatly  embarrassed.} 
I  don't  quite  know.     Why  do  you  ask? 

EDITH 

Oh,  for  no  reason.  I  heard  he  was  considering 
Miss  Blackwell. 

TREDBURY 

(Begins  to  laugh.} 
That's  off. 

EDITH 

Off?  What  do  you  mean?  I  never  heard  it 
was  on. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  49 

TREDBURY 

You're  staying  at  the  Blackwells',  aren't  you? 

(Craftily.) 
Awfully  nice  girl,  —  Miss  Blackwell ! 

EDITH 
She's  nothing  of  the  sort. 

TREDBURY 

That's  what  —  er  —  Tredbury  heard.  And 
you  see,  he's  an  odd  chap.  He  hasn't  at  all 
got  the  modern  idea  of  marriage,  and  he  feels 
that,  as  long  as  he  has  to  sell  his  beastly  title,  he 
might  as  well  try  for  a  chance  of  getting  some  one 
he  could  —  er  —  love,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 

EDITH 

This  Lord  Tredbury  doesn't  seem  very  grasp 
ing  in  his  ideas.  But  who  was  kind  enough  to 
give  him  this  very  accurate  notion  of  Miss  Black- 
well? 

TREDBURY 

Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Miss  Davenport.  We're 
chummy,  and  all  that. 

(Produces    LADY  MARJORIE'S    letter.) 
See  that  letter ! 


5^  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

EDITH 
Why,  it's  addressed  to  Lord  Tredbury ! 

TREDBURY 
(Confused.) 

Yes  —  er  — -he  showed  it  to  me.  He  didn't 
get  it  till  just  now  —  too  late  to  turn  back,  you 
know.  Rather  a  joke  on  Tredbury.  It's  from 
Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor  —  you  wouldn't  know 
her  —  she's  travelled  with  the  Blackwells. 

(Opens  the  letter.) 

She's  staying  in  Newport,  and  advises  —  Tred 
bury  —  to  come  there.  Listen :  — 

(Reads:) 

"This  Blackwell  girl  is  hoidenish,  unattractive, 
impossible.  Entre  nous,  she  would  never  do  for 
the  Marquess  of  Tredbury." 

EDITH 
How  kind  of  Lady  Marjorie !     So  disinterested  ! 

TREDBURY 

Oh,  Marjorie  could  hardly  be  called  disin 
terested,  you  know.  She  had  special  reasons  for 
asking  —  Tredbury  to  Newport.  She  has  an 
eye  on  Barking. 

EDITH 

On  you? 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  51 

TREDBURY 

(Floundering.) 

Oh,  yes,  of  course,  on  me.  A  jolly  grind  on 
me. 

(Reads,  jrom  sheer  embarrassment:) 

"Lady  Allerdyce  writes  me  that  you  are  cross 
ing  with  your  friend  of  Oxford  days,  Reggie 
Barking,  of  Barking's  china.  Treddy,  why 
wouldn't  he  do  for  me?  I  shall  have  to  marry 
some  one  like  that  soon,  so  bring  him  here.  And 
surely  he  can't  be  after  a  rich  American.  He 
will  have  to  marry  into  the  Aristocracy.  I  saw 
him  once  from  the  Ladies'  Gallery  in  the  House 
of  Commons,  when  everybody  was  leaving  be 
cause  he  was  going  to  speak.  But  if  I  married 
him,  I  shouldn't  have  to  listen  to  his  speeches, 
and  it  would  be  better  than  doing  secretary's 
work  at  house  parties.  I  think  I  might  persuade 
the  Duke  to  get  him  a  title." 

EDITH 
So  you  are  destined  for  Lady  Marjorie ! 

TREDBURY 

(Alarmed  at  the  situation  he  has  got  into.) 
Not  me  !    Oh,  no  —  not  me.     I'd  rather  marry 
anybody  —  even  — 


52  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

EDITH 
Even  the  unattractive  Blackwell  girl? 

TREDBURY 
I  hope  you're  not  a  friend  of  hers. 

EDITH 

Quite   the   contrary.     I've   travelled   with   her 
too  much. 

TREDBURY 

(Jumping  at  the  opening.) 
Travelled  !     Er  —  I  suppose  you  travel  in  the 
summer,  when  you  are  not  acting. 

(EDITH  laughs.) 
Have  you  ever  been  in  Norway? 

EDITH 

Bother  Norway !  Have  you  ever  been  in 
Japan  ? 

TREDBURY 

(Laughing.) 
Yes. 

EDITH 

Perhaps  you  picked  up  something  of  the  Jiu 
Jitsu  Japanese  wrestling.  I'm  rather  interested 
in  it,  just  now. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  53 

TREDBURY 
I  know  one  or  two  holds. 

EDITH 
Let's  see  if  I  know  them.     What  are  they? 

TREDBURY 
You  mean  to  try  them  here? 

EDITH 

(Coolly.} 
Yes,  why  not? 

(She  lays  down  the  riding  whip.) 
Show  me  the  first. 

TREDBURY 

(Delightedly.) 

Well,  I  don't  mind,   Dotty.     May  I  call  you 
Dotty  ? 

(They  face  each  other,  TREDBURY  hesi 
tatingly  y  EDITH  calmly.  She  takes 
hold  of  his  arm,  giving  him  a  jerk  that 
nearly  carries  him  off  his  jeet.  He 
drops  Marjorie's  letter.) 

EDITH 

That's  the  simplest  one.     I  suppose  you  know 
that. 


54  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

(EZRA  SWAZEY  is  enjoying  this  hugely 
jrom  the  porch.) 

TREDBURY 
(Recovering  himself.) 

Ha,  ha  !     Yes,  I  know  that.     But  I'll  show  you 
one. 

(He  lays  down  his  hat,  and  manoeuvres 

jor  a  hold,  she  defending  herself.) 
You're  jolly  good  at  it. 

(He  catches  her  and  she  trips.) 

EDITH 

That's  not  a  bad  one.     But  I  believe  I  can 
stop  you  if  you  try  it  again. 

TREDBURY 

That  wasn't  at  all  bad.     Try  it  again. 

(They  try  it  again,  when  enter,  around 
Right  end  of  Post-office,  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL,  BARKING,  and  PEPYS,  who 
stand  aghast  watching  the  perform 
ance.  TREDBURY  catches  sight  of 
them  and  breaks  loose  with  an  excla 
mation.) 

EDITH 

(Looking  around.) 
Hello,  Grace ! 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  55 

(MRS.  BLACKWELL  does  not  answer,  but 
continues  to  stare  through  her  lor 
gnette.  With  a  glance  at  the  petrified 
party,  EDITH  picks  up  her  riding 
whip,  and  incidentally  MARJORIE'S 
letter,  which  she  pockets,  unnoticed 
by  TREDBURY,  who  is  staring  in  a 
horrified  way  at  MRS.  BLACKWELL. 
His  hat  is  off,  and  he  is  more  or  less 
dishevelled.} 

(To  TREDBURY.) 
Good-by,  Mr.  Barking. 

(Exit  EDITH,  Left.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(In  an  icy  voice,  to  BARKING.) 
I'm  afraid  we  really  ought  to  be  going,  dear 
Lord  Tredbury.     It's  quite  late,  and  none  of  us 
have  had  any  tea.     You  must  be  famished. 

BARKING 

Tea !     Er  —  the  fact  is,  I  never  drink  it.     Mrs. 
Blackwell,  allow  me  — 

(Is  about  to  introduce  TREDBURY.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Putting  her  hand  on  his  arm:  sweetly.} 
Then  you  shall  have  something  stronger  than 
tea,  Lord  Tredbury?    We  really  must  go. 


.$6  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  i 

(BARKING  gives  a  despairing  glance  at 
TREDBURY,  who  is  standing  mutely 
gazing  at  them.  Exit,  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL,  dragging  BARKING,  followed  by 
PEPYS.  TREDBURY  gazes  after  them 
until  the  motor  boat  is  heard  going  of). 
Then  he  picks  up  his  hat.) 

EZRA 

(To  TREDBURY.) 

Say,  she  kind  of  put  it  over  you,  didn't  she? 
You're  in  the  soup  all  around. 

TREDBURY 

Er  —  perhaps  you  can  tell  me  how  I  can  get  a 
carriage  to  go  to  Tipton's  Hotel. 

EZRA 

Back  to  Tipton's  - 

(He  is  interrupted  by  the  entrance,  lower 
Right,  of  MR.  BLACK  WELL  and  HIRAM, 
HIRAM  carrying  a  crate  of  game  cocks.) 

HIRAM 

(Peering  into  the  coop.) 

John,  that  black  and  red  would  put  up  a  fight 
worth  looking  at. 


ACT  I  THE   TITLE-MART  57 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

I  won't  hear  of  fighting,  Hiram.     You  know 
my  principles  on  that  point. 

HIRAM 

Still,  if  they  was  to  get  mixed  up  accidentally, 
you  wouldn't  object,  I'll  bet  a  dollar. 

EZRA 

Here's  a  feller  wants  to  know  how  to  git  back  to 
Tipton's. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(To  HIRAM:    with   a   glance   at  TRED- 

BURY.) 

Hello  !     Is  it  possible  that  my  wife  let  an  Eng 
lishman  escape ! 

HIRAM 

I  guess  she  took  the  lord  —  I  saw  him  prancin' 
'round  after  her  at  the  Fair. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Slapping  his  leg.) 
That's  just  what  she  did. 

(Approaching  TREDBURY,  with  a  bluff 

heartiness.) 
Were  you  travelling  with  Lord  Tredbury  ? 


58  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

TREDBURY 
Yes,  yes  I  was. 

MR.  BLACK  WELL 
Have  you  lost  him? 

TREDBURY 
I  believe  he's  gone  home  with  Mrs.  Blackwell. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Indignantly.) 
Didn't  she  invite  you? 

TREDBURY 
Well  —  er  —  no,  the  fact  is,  she  didn't. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Guess  your  name's  Barking,  isn't  it?  They 
told  me  there  was  a  Barking  staying  at  Tipton's, 
son  of  the  Barking  that  makes  the  china.  Sir,  I 
have  a  great  respect  for  your  father.  I'd  like  to 
know  him.  I'm  Mr.  Blackwell.  I'm  glad  to 
meet  you. 

(Gives  TREDBURY  a  hearty  grip.) 
Just  you   come  right   along   with   me.     I   guess 
there's  room  for  three  of  us  in  the  buggy,  and  the 


ACT  I  THE    TITLE-MART 


59 


chickens,  too  —  eh,  Hiram  ?     We're  going  right  up 
to  the  camp  now. 

TREDBURY 
But  Mrs.  Blackwell  - 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

She  won't  worry  you.  She  has  her  guests,  and 
I  have  mine.  I've  got  my  own  wing,  and  we'll 
have  a  nice  little  dinner  together  —  some  special 
Havanas  and  '98  Krug,  and  a  good  time.  Got 
any  baggage? 

TREDBURY 
It  seems  to  be  gone. 

EZRA 

That  feller  in  the  boat  took  it. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  it's  lucky  I  found  you.  She  can  have 
her  confounded  titles  —  I  haven't  any  use  for 
'em.  Well,  Hiram,  we'd  better  be  moving. 

HIRAM 

(Picking  up  the  crate:   to  EZRA.) 
If  any  one  calls,  just  say  I'm  up  to  Blackwells'. 


60  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  I 

EZRA 

Yep. 

(Exit,  lower  Right,  MR.  BLACKWELL, 
TREDBURY,  and  HIRAM  carrying  the 
crate,  EZRA  leaning  against  the  post 
and  looking  after  them.) 

CURTAIN 


ACT  II 

SCENE.  Loggia  of  Mr.  Black-welVs  camp  in  the  Adiron- 
dacks,  spread  with  rugs  and  wicker  furniture ;  a  ham 
mock.  A  table  with  a  small  telephone  over  Left. 
French  novels  scattered  around.  Entrance  by  French 
windows  into  house  at  Left  and  rear.  At  Right  a  lawn, 
with  shrubbery  and  trees  at  extreme  Right.  At  rear  the 
lawn  ends  in  a  kind  of  riistic  balustrade  that  overlooks 
the  lake.  The  lake  can  be  seen  beyond  the  balustrade, 
and  the  mountains  in  the  distance. 

TIME  :  About  6.30  in  the  evening  of  the  same  day. 

(Enter  MRS.  BLACKWELL  and  PEPYS,  a  footman 
with  powdered  hair  and  knee  breeches  follow 
ing  them.  As  MRS.  BLACKWELL  talks  to 
PEPYS,  she  moves  about  the  stage,  and  the 
footman  keeps  respectfully  behind  hery  evi 
dently  awaiting  a  chance  to  speak  to  her.) 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Larry,  I  wonder  why  you  are  so  satisfactory. 
You  never  say  anything. 
61 


62  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

• 

MR.  PEPYS 
Perhaps  that  is  the  reason. 

MRS.  BLACK  WELL 

What  a  dear  Lord  Tredbury  is  !  How  English 
to  go  to  one's  room  at  once,  before  one  has  seen 
the  view ! 

(Sighs.) 

There  is  something  about  the  British  aristocracy 
that  is  very  difficult  for  us  to  achieve.  And  how 
marked  the  differences  between  their  own  classes  ! 
The  idea  of  Edith  actually  wrestling  with  that 
vulgar  Mr.  Barking.  I  can't  get  over  it. 

MR.  PEPYS 

I  thought  he  seemed  rather  a  decent  fellow. 
In  fact,  I  fancy  him  on  the  whole  more  than  this 
Lord  Tredbury. 

(MR.  PEPYS  sits  down  in  a  chair  and 
lights  a  cigarette.  MRS.  BLACKWELL 
walks  up  and  down,  the  jootman  mov 
ing  after  her.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
Larry !    You  know  what  trade  is  in  England. 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  63 

MR.  PEPYS 
Not  as  good  as  it  was,  I  believe. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

It  would  be  just  like  Edith  to  fancy  this  Bark 
ing.  I  had  to  snub  him. 

(Going  close  to  him:    with  an    air  of 

confidence.) 

Larry,    she   must   marry   Tredbury.     I've   quite 
set  my  heart  on  it. 

MR.  PEPYS 

Gracious !     Already ! 

(A  pause.) 
Why  are  you  so  determined? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Don't  be  ridiculous,  Larry.  How  can  you  ask 
—  a  man  of  the  world  ?  Can't  you  see  the 
advantages  ?  And  then  I  should  be  quits  with 
Adelaide  Townsend.  She's  been  simply  unbear 
able  since  Nina  became  the  Comtesse  de  Santerre- 
Benoit. 

MR.  PEPYS 

Then  you  are  only  doing  this  to  get  even  with 
Mrs.  Townsend? 


64  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  II 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Don't  be  idiotic,  Larry. 

(Walks  off  on  the  lawn.) 

FOOTMAN 

(Following  her.) 
Madam ! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Irritably:   turning.) 

In  heaven's  name,  what  is  it?  Ever  since  I 
came  in  you've  been  shadowing  me  like  —  like 
an  evil  spirit. 

FOOTMAN 

If  you  please,  Madam,  Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor 
is  here. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Lady  Marjorie !  Larry,  Lady  Marjorie  Tick 
nor ! 

MR.  PEPYS 
What  about  her? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
She's  here  —  here. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  65 

MR.  PEPYS 
Lucky  woman.     How  did  she  get  here? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

That's  what  I  want  to  know. 

(To  FOOTMAN.) 
How  did  she  get  here? 

FOOTMAN 

If  you  please,  Madam,  she  came  by  way  of 
Fad's  Centre. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
By  way  of  Fad's  Centre  !     Go  on  ! 

FOOTMAN 

Yes,  Madam.  'Er  Ladyship  telegraphed  from 
Newport,  but  it  seems  the  message  went  to 
Balchville. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

How  English,  to  telegraph  to  Balchville ! 

(To  FOOTMAN.) 
Where  is  her  ladyship  now? 

FOOTMAN 
In  her  room,  Madam. 

F 


66  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(Starts  away,  Lejt.) 

FOOTMAN 

If  you  please,  Madam,  her  ladyship  gave  orders 
she  was  not  to  be  disturbed  under  no  conditions. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Dear    Marjorie !    How    delightfully    English ! 
I  wish  we  could  learn  the  same  sense  of  feeling 
at  home  in  other  people's  houses. 
(To  FOOTMAN.) 

That  will  do.  You  might  tell  her  ladyship's 
maid  that  a  new  parcel  of  French  novels  came 
to-day. 

FOOTMAN 
'Er  ladyship  has  already  sent  for  them,  Madam. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Did  her  ladyship  get  the  kind  of  tea  she  likes  ? 

FOOTMAN 

Please,  Madam,  she  'ad  the  'ousekeeper  up, 
and  told  'er  to  telegraph  to  New  York  for  it. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  67 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Quite  right.     That  will  do. 

(To  PEPYS.) 
Dear  Marjorie ! 

(Exit  FOOTMAN.) 

MR.  PEPYS 
Dear  Marjorie ! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Marjorie  did  so  much  for  us  in  London,  Larry. 
Her  industry  in  getting  us  invited  places  was 
absolutely  unremitting.  Before  she  got  through 
with  us  we  were  quite  au  courant  at  all  the  great 
houses,  I  assure  you. 

MR.  PEPYS 
How  kind  of  Lady  Marjorie! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Yes.  Just  to  show  our  gratitude,  I  gave  her 
a  cheque,  and  told  her  that  John  had  made  a 
venture  on  the  stock  market  in  her  name. 

MR.  PEPYS 

Very  delicate  of  you ! 


68  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

The  aristocracy  are  in  such  a  bad  way,  my 
heart  bleeds  for  them.  But  John  would  be 
furious  if  he  knew  it.  He  says  he  never  in 
tends  to  see  her.  And  Edith  dislikes  her.  She 
positively  insulted  her  in  London.  Dear 
Marjorie  is  very  forgiving.  I  should  never  speak 
to  Edith  again  if  I  were  Marjorie.  Edith  is 
so  like  John.  I  wonder  if  mortal  woman  ever 
struggled  against  such  odds  as  Edith  and  John 
combined ! 

(Telephone  on  table  rings.     MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL  goes  to  it.) 

Hello!  Who  is  it?  Is  that  you,  Adelaide? 
Dear  Adelaide.  How  is  the  giand-aunt?  I'm 
so  sorry.  My  dear !  Yes,  I  have  a  house  party, 
a  small  one.  Yes,  dear!  Lord  Tredbury,  of 
course  you  know  him.  No?  He's  charming, 
so  au  fait,  so  much  the  great  noble,  so  completely 
what  he  ought  to  be.  Who  else?  A  dear  old 
friend,  Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor,  granddaughter 
of  the  Duke  of  Kay,  who  was  so  kind  to  us  in 
London.  You  will  love  her.  She  arrived  quite 
unexpectedly. 

(A  pause.) 

What  time?      At  eight.      Are    you   quite  well, 
Adelaide?     Good- by,  dear. 

(Puts  up  the  telephone.) 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  69 

Larry,  it's  Adelaide  Townsend  !  She  wants  us 
all  for  dinner.  Could  anything  be  more  oppor 
tune! 

MR.  PEPYS 
Rather  short  notice,  isn't  it? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Her  grand- aunt's  on  the  point  of  death, 
she  didn't  think  she'd  live  till  dinner-time.  I 
wouldn't  give  the  snap  of  my  finger  for  all 
the  titles  on  the  continent.  Here  comes  Edith 

now. 

(Enter  EDITH.) 
Oh,  Edith,  I  have  a  surprise  for  you ! 

EDITH 
Unpleasant,  I  suppose. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
Why? 

EDITH 

Your  surprises  generally  are. 


70  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(To  PEPYS.) 

There,  Larry,  isn't  she  the  most  exasperating 
girl  you  ever  saw ! 

(To  EDITH.) 
Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor's  here. 

EDITH 

Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Yes.  She  arrived  unexpectedly  from  Newport 
this  afternoon. 

EDITH 

(Thinking   oj   the   letter   she   has   seen, 
laughs.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I  try  to  do  my  whole  duty  by  you.  I  take  you 
out  in  London,  and  I  have  the  aristocracy  here, 
and  you  treat  them  abominably.  You  fling 
your  chances  to  the  winds.  You  were  horribly 
rude  to  Lady  Marjorie  in  London.  I'm  quite 
surprised  she  comes  here  at  all. 

(PEPYS  walks  on  terrace,  discreetly,  dur 
ing  this  speech.) 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  71 

EDITH 
Then  you  don't  know  Lady  Marjorie. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I  won't  allow  you  to  exasperate  me. 

(With  sudden  appeal.) 

Edith,  do  be  nice  to  her.  She  is  an  old  friend  of 
Tredbury's.  They  belong  to  the  same  set,  you 
know,  —  the  only  set  worth  knowing  in  England. 
As  for  Lord  Tredbury,  I've  quite  lost  my  heart 
to  him.  And  it  says  in  the  Peerage  that  he's 
descended  from  the  first  baron,  who  came  over 
with  Samuel  the  Conqueror. 

EDITH 
It  seems  quite  wonderful. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Confused.) 
What? 

EDITH 

His  descent.     No  wonder  there  isn't  much  left, 
now  that  he  has  arrived  at  the  bottom. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  dear,  we  are  wasting  so  much  time,  and  I 
don't  know  what  to  say  to  you  —  how  to  appeal 


72  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

to  you.  Young  girls  know  so  little  of  life,  are  so 
slow  to  see  where  their  advantage  and  happiness 
lies.  And,  until  very  lately,  we've  always  been 
so  bourgeois  in  America.  We  have  always  al 
lowed  silly,  youthful  inclinations  to  govern  that 
most  important  of  all  matters  —  marriage.  Now 
my  dear  — 

(Looking  meaningly  at  EDITH.) 
there's  no  use  mincing  things.     Lord  Tredbury 
has  come  over  here  to  get  a  wife. 

EDITH 

I  should  never  have  guessed  it!  Are  there 
none  left  in  England? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,  this  bitterness  is  very  unnatural  at 
your  age.  Lord  Tredbury  is  doing  quite  the 
usual  and  honorable  thing.  In  order  to  keep 
up  an  aristocracy,  you  know,  there  must  be 
money. 

EDITH 

And  the  way  the  money  is  obtained  makes  no 
particular  difference.  His  ancestors  fought  for 
it,  he  marries  for  it.  Both  are  equally  dangerous. 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  73 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,  if  you  only  could  be  brought  to  realize 
your  opportunity.  Tredbury  is  half  in  love  with 
you  already  —  I  can  see  that.  And  he  is  every 
thing  that  could  be  desired  in  a  husband  —  im 
posing,  and  all  that,  and  —  you  know,  it  isn't 
at  all  good  form  to  have  brains  nowadays. 

EDITH 

I  shouldn't  allow  brains  to  interfere  if  I  loved 
him,  Grace. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Interrupting.) 

Love !  Oh,  my  dear,  that  isn't  necessary  in  a 
modern  marriage,  when  one  need  never  see  any 
thing  of  one's  husband. 

(Approaching  PEPYS,  and  calling  to  him.) 
Larry,  I  want  to  show  you  the  new  terra-cotta 
vases  which  came  to-day. 

(Exit,  with  PEPYS,  upper  Right,  as 
BARKING,  in  evening  clothes,  enters 
lower  Left.) 

EDITH 

(Remaining   seated,    and  looking   up   to 

him  quizzically,  but  calmly.) 
Well? 


74  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

BARKING 

(Obviously    nervous:     putting    in    his 

eyeglass.) 
I  say,  what  a  jolly  place,  you  know ! 

EDITH 
It  doesn't  seem  very  jolly  just  now. 

BARKING 
What  do  you  mean? 

EDITH 

(With  a  swift  look.) 
It's  rather  quiet,  just  you  and  I.     Isn't  it? 

BARKING 

Ah,  delightfully  so. 

(Goes  over  and  sits  near  her.} 
You    have    such  —  er  —  a    bewitching    way    of 
putting    things,    Miss    Blackwell.     I'm    awfully 
glad  I  came. 

EDITH 

(Abruptly.} 
Poor  Mr.  Barking. 


ACT  ii  THE  TITLE-MART 


75 


BARKING 

(Starting  and  dropping  his  eyeglass.} 
Why  do  you  say  that? 

EDITH 

Because  I  feel  it.     It  was  mean  to  leave  him 
alone  on  the  landing. 

BARKING 

(Relieved :    laughing. ) 

I  say,  your  stepmother  gave  him  a  beastly 
snub,  didn't  she? 

EDITH 
(Severely.) 

It  seems  to  amuse  you.  If  he  were  my  friend, 
I  should  feel  differently. 

BARKING 

(Laughs.) 

There  is  —  er  —  there  is  a  kind  of  a  joke  con 
nected  with  all  this.  I  am  sure  you  would  laugh 
if  you  knew  it.  A  deuced  good  joke  on  —  on 
Barking. 

EDITH 

(Gazing  off,  absently.) 
Oh,  on  Mr.  Barking! 


76  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

BARKING 

(Looks  at  her  suspiciously.) 
Certainly.     Why  not? 

EDITH 
What  is  the  joke? 

BARKING 

Well  —  er  —  I  came  here,  and  he  didn't. 

(Laughs     heartily,     suddenly    looks    at 

EDITH,  and  stops.) 
Don't  you  think  it  funny? 

EDITH 

(Gravely.) 
It  must  be  your  English  sense  of  humor. 

BARKING 
I  say,  he'd  give  his  boots  to  be  here  with  you. 

EDITH 
They  looked  very  nice. 


What? 


BARKING 
(Mystified.) 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  77 

EDITH 
His  boots. 

BARKING 
I  say,  but  you  are  jolly ! 

(Sits  down  near  her.) 
I  rather  stole  a  march  on  him,  you  know. 

EDITH 
That  remains  to  be  seen. 

BARKING 

(Intensely.) 
I  say,  I'll  tell  you  something. 

(Leans  towards  her.) 
I  came  because  you  were  here. 

EDITH 

(Leaning  towards  him.) 
Do  you  know,  I  guessed  it. 

BARKING 

(Enchanted.) 
Really,  now.     I  —  I  hoped  you  did. 

(A   pause,   as  if  making  up  his  mind 

how  to  go  on.) 

Er  — I   say,    Miss   Blackwell  —  er  —  you   don't 
care  anything  about  titles,  do  you  ? 


78  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

EDITH 
Why? 

BARKING 
You  didn't  strike  me  as  a  person  who  would. 

EDITH 

(Gazing  at  him.) 
I  don't  care  anything  about  your  title. 

BARKING 

(Starting.) 
Er  —  I  beg  pardon. 

(Evidently  reassured  by  her  expression.) 
By  jove,  you  have  a  subtle  way  of  putting  things. 
Er  —  suppose  now,  merely  for  the  sake  of  argu 
ment,  I  were  not  Lord  Tredbury,  but  plain  Mr. 
Barking  — 

EDITH 
It  would  make  no  difference  to  me. 

BARKING 

Eh  !     By  jove,  wouldn't  it? 

EDITH 
You  would  always  be  the  same  to  me. 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  79 

BARKING 

I  say,  should  I?  How  strange!  From  the 
moment  I  saw  you,  I  have  had  the  same  feeling 
-er  — about  you.  Er  — Miss  Blackwell  —  no 
revelation  I  could  make  about  myself  would 
change  —  er  —  would  change  your  feelings  tow 
ards  me? 

EDITH 
None. 

BARKING 

(Flustered.) 

I   was   about   to   say  —  er  —  coming   back   to 
this  —  er  —  Mr.     Barking  —  er  —  his    governor 

—  his  father  may  have  a  title  in  the  near  future, 

—  which  would  descend  to  him. 


EDITH 

How  interesting ! 

(Giving  him  a  look.) 

But    I    am   not    especially   interested   in   Mr. 
Barking. 

BARKING 

Er  —  of  course  not. 

(Enter,  Lejt,  two  powdered  FOOTMEN,  who  begin 
to  tidy  up  the  porch.  Enter,  Right,  MRS. 
BLACKWELL  and  MR.  PEPYS.) 


8o  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACK  WELL 

(Looks  at  EDITH  and  BARKING  with  ap 
proval,    and    then    coughs    discreetly. 
BARKING  starts  away  from  EDITH  and 
rises.     EDITH  does  not  move.) 
Edith,   dear,   aren't  you  dressed  yet?     But  it 

never   takes    you    long.     Dear    Lord    Tredbury, 

you  must  excuse  this  camp.     It  is  so  primitive. 

We  come  here  once  a  year  to  lead  a  simple  life. 

We  Americans  are  so  restless,  you  know,  we  are 

just  learning  the  value  of  repose. 

BARKING 
Er  —  quite  so. 

(Glancing  at  the  FOOTMEN.) 
But  —  er  —  I    shouldn't    call    this    precisely 
primitive,  my  dear  lady. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Of  course,  we  have  to  have  some  comforts. 
By  the  way,  Lord  Tredbury,  a  dear  friend  of 
mine  has  arrived  quite  unexpectedly.  You  must 
know  her  —  Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor.  She  is  in 
your  set,  of  course. 

BARKING 

(EDITH  watching  him.) 
Er  —  er  —  Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor ! 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  81 

(EDITH  rises  and  crosses  over  to  PEPYS, 
whom  she  punches.  PEPYS  does  not 
understand.) 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Here  she  is  now. 

(Enter  LADY  MARJORIE  TICKNOR.  She  is  per 
haps  twenty-seven,  tall,  and  the  least  trifle 
angular,  a  deject  which  she  tries  to  overcome 
in  her  gowns,  with  the  careless  but  engaging 
manners  of  one  who  has  had  to  make  her  own 
way.  MRS.  BLACKWELL  runs  to  her,  kisses 
her  on  the  cheek,  which  MARJORIE  presents.) 
Dear  Marjorie !  I'm  charmed  to  see  you ! 

And    to    think    of    your    telegraphing    to    Ead's 

Centre!     My    dear!     I've    such    a    surprise    for 

you.     Here's  Lord  Tredbury! 

MARJORIE 

(Looking  at  BARKING  through  her  lor 
gnette.) 
Lord  Tredbury ! 

(Instantly  perceiving  that  it  is  BARKING, 
she  claps  her  hand  over  her  mouth 
to  stifle  a  laugh,  a  muffled  sound  es 
caping.  BARKING,  agonized,  bows, 
muttering,  and  puts  in  his  monocle. 


82  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACKWELL  gazes  mystified  from 
one  to  the  other,  and  EDITH,  remaining 
seated  in  a  corner  of  the  porch,  looks 
on  in  quiet  but  real  delight.) 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Uneasily.) 

I  hope  you  haven't  quarrelled.     You  know  him, 
of  course. 

MARJORIE 

(Recovering.) 

Rather. 

(Goes  over  and  takes  the  astounded  BARK 
ING'S   hand.     Nonchalantly,  yet  look 
ing  at  him  with  eyes  full  of  amusement.) 
I  heard  you  landed,  Tredbury.     By  the  way, 
you  had  somebody  with  you,  didn't  you?     Oh, 
I  know,  it  was  a  Mr.  Barking.     I've  listened  to 
him  in  the  House.     Talks  well,   will  make  his 
mark,  and  all  that. 

(Gazing  around.) 
Where  is  he  ? 

BARKING 

(Horribly  embarrassed.) 
He  —  er  —  that  is  — 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  83 

MRS.  BLACK  WELL 

The  fact  is,  Marjorie  — 

EDITH 

(Rising  and  crossing  over:    carelessly.) 
The  fact  is,  that  Grace  snubbed  him. 

MARJORIE 

Snubbed  him  ?     Grace  snubbed  — 

(Glances  at  BARKING,  and  puts  her  hand 
over  her  mouth  to  prevent  another 
laugh  escaping.  MRS.  BLACK  WELL 
looks  daggers.) 

EDITH 
Yes,  for  wrestling  with  me. 

MARJORIE 
Wrestling  with  you? 

EDITH 

That  was  partly  the  reason. 

MARJORIE 
Partly? 


84  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACK  WELL 

(Wildly.) 
Marjorie,  I  couldn't  —  Edith  ! 

(LADY  MARJORIE  pays  no  attention  to 
MRS.  BLACKWELL,  but  continues  to  look 
at  EDITH  through  her  lorgnette.) 

EDITH 

Yes.  There  was  some  objection  about  his 
being  china.  Grace  said  if  he  had  been  a  brewer, 
it  would  have  been  different.  But  china  —  I 
suppose  she  thought  if  I  wrestled  with  him  too 
much,  he  might  smash.  So  she  wouldn't  invite 
him  here,  and  left  him  on  the  landing. 

MARJORIE 
Oh! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(On  the  verge  oj  tears.) 

Dear  Marjorie !  Edith  is  quite  incorrigible, 
you  know.  I  don't  know  what  our  young  girls 
are  coming  to.  She  is  mad  about  athletics,  and 
I  suppose  she  led  this  —  Mr.  Barking  on.  I 
hadn't  invited  him  here,  and  as  Lord  Tredbury  — 

(Indicating  B  ARKING . ) 

didn't  seem  to  make  a  point  of  it  —  I  —  we  came 
without  him. 


ACT  II  THE  TITLE-MART  85 

MARJORIE 
(Laughing.) 

Quite  so. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Gaining  confidence.) 

Besides,  I  had  no  reason  to  believe  he  wished 
to  come.  I  imagine  he  is  very  comfortable  at 
Tipton's.  It  is  a  commendable  hotel. 

MARJORIE 

(Carelessly:  dropping  her  lorgnette.) 
I  daresay  he  is  well  enough  off.     I  quite  under 
stand.     Of  course,   he  may  be  Prime  Minister 
some  day. 

(BARKING starts  violently.  EDITH  laughs.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
Really  !    You  don't  mean  it ! 

MARJORIE 

He  is  very  clever  —  quite  a  coming  man.  I 
believe  we  are  much  more  democratic  in  England 
than  you  are. 

(Lifting  her  glasses,  and  gazing  off  over 

the  lawn  towards  the  lake.) 
What  a  wonderful  country  ! 

(Meaningly,  to  BARKING.) 


86  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

Come  and  talk  to  me,  Tredbury.     I  haven't  seen 
you  for  ages. 

(Barking  joins  her,  and  they  go  down 
Right.  PEPYS,  EDITH,  and  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL  make  another  group,  down  Left.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,  I'll  never  forgive  you,  never.  I  do  every 
thing  to  get  you  on  in  the  world,  and  you  reward 
me  by  humiliation.  Oh,  what  will  Lady  Marjorie 
think?  You  are  always  rude  to  her. 

EDITH 

(Watching  BARKING  and  MARJORIE.) 
But  you  tell  me  it  is  good  form  to  be  rude, 
Grace. 

(Exit  MRS.  BLACKWELL,  in  a  dudgeon, 
into  the  house.) 

PEPYS 

(Amused.) 

Poor  Grace !  Edith,  you  must  be  inhabited 
by  a  sprite.  And  what  were  you  punching  me 
for? 

EDITH 

(Looking  at  him.) 
Larry,  you're  a  very  comfortable  person. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  87 

PEPYS 

Are  you  recalling  the  days  when  you  used  to 
sit  on  my  lap? 

EDITH 

Not  exactly.  But  I  would  just  as  soon  do  it 
now.  I  think  it  would  be  eminently  safe. 

PEPYS 
It  might  be  —  for  you. 

EDITH 

Don't  be  a  humbug.  I  can't  help  confiding 
in  you.  Larry  —  no  one  can  —  But  you  mustn't 
tell. 

PEPYS 
No.     What  is  it  ? 

EDITH 

(Pointing  at  BARKING.) 
Well,  that  isn't  Lord  Tredbury. 

(This  conversation  sinks  into  dumb 
show.  From  time  to  time  PEPYS 
evinces  signs  of  great  merriment  and 
surprise,  due  to  what  EDITH  is 
telling  him.) 

MARJORIE 

I've  often  seen  your  name  in  the  Morning  Post, 
and  wondered  what  you  were  like. 


88  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  u 

BARKING 
How  very  odd !    I've  had  the  same  experience. 

MARJORIE 

Do  you  know,  it  was  very  clever  of  you  to  think 
of  this  joke  on  the  Blackwells,  and  rather  daring 
to  carry  it  out.  I  admire  those  qualities  in  a  man. 

BARKING 

Do  you  think  so  ?  By  Jove !  Before  you 
arrived  I  was  on  the  point  of  telling  them  all 
about  it. 

MARJORIE 
Really?    Why? 

BARKING 

(Glancing  at  EDITH.) 

Er  —  I  had  —  er  —  qualms  of  conscience,  and 
that  sort  of  thing,  you  know. 

MARJORIE 

My  dear  Mr.  Barking,  aren't  you  oversensi 
tive?  Why,  the  situation  is  "killing,"  as  our 
American  friends  would  say.  An  eager  and 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  89 

scheming  heiress,   a  more   eager  and   scheming 
stepmother,   and  you  as  Lord  Tredbury. 

(Touching  him  on  the  arm.) 
What  could  be  more  delightful ! 

BARKING 

What,  by  Jove  ? 

MARJORIE 

(With  a  side  glance.) 

Do  you  know,  I  believe  you  are  something  of 
a  devil.     Haven't  I  heard  tales? 

BARKING 

Well  —  er  —  I've  had  my  fling,  of  course,  Lady 
Marjorie. 

MARJORIE 

That's  what  you  men  call  it  —  a  fling.     Well, 
this  is  a  master-stroke. 

BARKING 

(Flattered.) 
Do  you  really  think  so? 

MARJORIE 

(Tapping  him.) 

Oh,  I  knew  you  were  quite  Satanic,  let  us  say, 
the  moment  I  laid  eyes  on  you. 


90  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

BARKING 

I  say,  but  you  are  clever  —  er  —  to  have  recog 
nized  me,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 


MARJORIE 

Recognize  you!  I  listened  a  whole  hour  in 
the  Ladies'  Gallery  of  the  House  to  a  speech  of 
yours  once,  enthralled.  And  when  I  was  con 
fronted  with  you  to-day,  as  Lord  Tredbury,  I 
saw  at  once  what  had  happened,  with  your  repu 
tation  for  doing  bright  things  and  all  that.  It  was 
not  very  clever  of  me. 

BARKING 

Er  —  I  think  it  was  deuced  clever  —  if  you 
don't  mind. 

MARJORIE 

I  don't  mind.  And  what  deviltry  is  Tredbury 
up  to?  You  and  he  are  two  of  a  sort,  I  rather 
think. 

BARKING 

Oh,  he  got  your  letter. 

MARJORIE 
Did  he  read  it? 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  91 

BARKING 

Yes.  And  by  the  way,  he  said  there  were  — 
ahem  —  some  rather  nice  things  about  me  in  it. 

MARJORIE 
Yes? 

(Hastily.) 

There  were.  I  hope  he  didn't  show  them  to 
you. 

BARKING 

Oh,  no! 

(A  pause.     Then  he  laughs.) 
I  say,  Tredbury  thinks  Miss  Blackwell  is  Dotty 
Davenport,  the  actress. 

MARJORIE 
How  did  he  get  that  notion? 

BARKING 

I  told  him.  Miss  Blackwell  looks  quite  a  bit 
like  Dotty,  you  know.  And  —  er  —  I  believe  you 
described  her  to  Tredbury  as  unattractive  —  hoi- 
denish  —  something  of  that  sort. 

MARJORIE 

Yes.  When  you  know  her  better  you  will  see 
what  I  mean.  Well? 


92  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

BARKING 

Well,  he  called  her  Miss  Davenport,  and  she 
fell  into  the  joke,  and  he  thinks  she  is  visiting  here 
with  Miss  Blackwell. 

MARJORIE 

What  a  situation ! 

(Laughs.) 
What  a  joke  on  every  one  but  — 

(Looking  up  at  him.) 
you  and  me. 

BARKING 

By  jove,  that's  so !  But  how  will  it  end  ? 
That's  what  I  want  to  know. 

MARJORIE 

(Tapping  him.) 

You  mischievous  man !  You  are  playing  your 
part  magnificently.  I'll  do  mine,  never  fear. 

(Their    conversation    sinks    into    dumb 
show.) 

EDITH 

"Hoidenish  —  unattractive  --  impossible,"  I 
have  the  letter  here. 

(Shows  it.) 
You  ought  to  hear  what  she  says  about  him  in  it. 

(Indicating  BARKING.) 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  93 

PEPYS 

Edith,  you're  too  much  for  me.     What  are  you 
going  to  do  about  all  this? 

EDITH 

Nothing.     Just  let  things  happen. 
(Enter     MRS.    BLACKWELL,    lower    Left.       She 
glances  at  MARJORIE  and    BARKING    through 
her  lorgnette.) 

PEPYS 

(To  EDITH.) 

Things     are     likely     to     happen.     I'm  — I'm 
coming  back. 

(Exit,  MR.  PEPYS,  upper  Left.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(To  EDITH.) 
Can  she  be  making  love  to  him? 

EDITH 

Possibly.     It's  quite  easy. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,  how  do  you  know? 

(Across  to  MARJORIE.) 
I'm  so  glad  you  have  found  a  friend,  dear. 


94  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

EDITH 
It  is  extraordinary. 

MARJORIE 

(Suppressing  laughter.) 

Lord  Tredbury  has  been  most  amusing.  I  — 
I  think  it  must  be  the  climate. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,  you  must  dress.  We  are  dining  at  the 
Grant  Townsends.  I  hope  Lord  Tredbury  will 
amuse  me. 

(At  this  moment,  a  young  REPORTER  with  a  hand 
camera  enters,  upper  Right,  and  approaches  the 
party.     All  turn  to  look  at  him,  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL  and  LADY  MARJORIE  through  lorgnettes, 
BARKING    through    his    monocle.     The    young 
man  has  a  keen,  eager  jace,  is  dressed  in  a  sack 
suit  and  felt  hat,  white  collar,  etc.     He  comes 
on,  undaunted  by  the  stares.) 
How  did   this   person   get   in?      I've   given  the 
strictest  orders  to  allow  no  tourists  in  the  grounds. 

REPORTER 

(Approaching  undaunted,   and  singling 

out  BARKING.) 
Am  I  addressing  Lord  Tredbury? 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  95 

BARKING 

(Glancing    fearfully    at    MRS.    BLACK- 
WELL.) 
Er  —  really  —  I  — 

REPORTER 
(Coolly.) 

Thank  you.     I  thought  so. 
(EDITH  laughs.) 

BARKING 

(Taking  a  step  back.) 
But  I  haven't  said  so. 

REPORTER 

It  isn't  necessary.  Glad  to  make  your  acquaint 
ance.  My  name  is  Clarkson,  of  the  New  York 
Republic. 

(Takes  a  step  forward,  draws  a  card 
from  his  pocket,  and  holds  it  out  to 
BARKING.) 

BARKING 

(Gases  at  the  card  helplessly  through  his 

glass,  and  takes  a  step  backward.) 
Thanks  very  much,  but  —  er  —  I  don't  think 
I  care  for  it,  you  know. 


96  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

REPORTER 

(With  an  injured  but  brisk  air,  restores 

the  card  to  his  pocket.) 

I  hope  you  don't  mind  answering  a  few  ques 
tions,  —  the  public  is  interested  in  the  titled 
Englishmen  who  come  to  our  shores. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
May  I  ask  how  you  got  here,  Mr.  —  Mr.  —  ? 

REPORTER 

Clarkson.  Certainly.  I  came  from  New  York 
this  morning.  I  am  always  sent  on  these  impor 
tant  stories.  On  Wednesday  I  went  to  Phila 
delphia  on  the  Oliver  divorce  scandal,  yesterday 
there  was  a  sensational  murder  in  New  Jersey, 
and  to-day  came  a  telegram  that  Lord  Tredbury 
had  left  Tipton's  Hotel  to  visit  you. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Really,   I   can't   allow   Lord   Tredbury   to   be 
annoyed.     The  English  aristocracy  do  not  under 
stand  this  sort  of  thing. 
(To  BARKING.) 

Dear  Lord  Tredbury,  under  our  unfortunate  - 
Constitution  —  I   suppose   you   would   call   it  — 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  97 

we  have  no  rights  of  privacy.  Alas,  we  have  no 
court  journal,  no  nice  dignified  Morning  Post, 
or  anything  of  that  sort. 

(To  REPORTER:   with  hauteur.) 
You   may   say   that   Lord   Tredbury   and   Lady 
Marjorie  Ticknor   are   my   guests,   that   we   are 
dining  to-night,  most  informally,  with  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Grant  Townsend. 


REPORTER 

(Writing  rapidly:   to  BARKING.) 
But  surely  you  wouldn't  mind  telling  the  read 
ers  of  the  Republic  the  object  of  your  journey  to 
this  country,  Lord  Tredbury? 


BARKING 

I  assure  you,  my  dear  fellow,  I  am  here  with 
no  —  er  —  mysterious  —  object  whatsoever.  Just 
for  a  visit. 

(Looks  from  one  to  the  other  of  the  group, 

as  ij  in  vindication.) 
Just  for  a  visit. 

(EDITH  laughs.) 


MRS.  BLACK  WELL 


Just  for  a  visit. 

H 


98  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

REPORTER 

(Persistently.) 

There   is  a  rumor  that    Cupid   is   responsible 
for  the  visit. 

BARKING 
Oh,  I  say ! 

EDITH 
How  wicked  of  Cupid! 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Horror-struck.) 
Edith ! 

REPORTER 
(Smiling.) 

Cupid  brings  a  great  many  of  the  British  aris 
tocracy  to  our  shore,  Miss  Blackwell.  And,  it  is 
said  that  we  Americans,  too,  are  gradually  acquir 
ing  an  aristocracy. 

EDITH 

I  suppose  you  mean  that  we  are  acquiring  the 
English  aristocracy. 

(The  REPORTER  laughs.  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL,  LADY  MARJORIE,  and  BARKING 
have  fallen  into  various  attitudes.) 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  99 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(On  tenterhooks.) 
Edith,  you  must  go  and  dress  at  once. 

(To  REPORTER.) 
And  I  must  ask  you  to  excuse  us,  —  Mr.  —  Mr.  — 

EDITH 

(To  REPORTER.) 

I  should  merely  say  that  Lord  Tredbury 
appeared  greatly  embarrassed  when  the  question 
was  put  to  him,  and  remarked  that  his  visit  had 
no  mysterious  object  whatever. 

REPORTER 

(Writing  rapidly.) 

You  would  make  a  success  as  a  journalist, 
Miss  Blackwell. 

BARKING 
Oh,  by  jove,  you  aren't  writing  that ! 

LADY  MARJORIE 

This  is  becoming  painful,  I  should  say.  Grace, 
I  think  I'll  take  a  turn  with  —  with  Tredbury 
before  dinner. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith  is  so  mischievous,  you  must  pardon  her. 
Oh,  if  John  were  only  here !  He  is  never  here 


ioo  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

when  I  want  him,  and  always  when  I  don't.     I'll 

get  Larry  Pepys. 

(Exit  into  the  house,  Left.  BARKING 
and  MARJORIE  cross  over,  Right.  As 
they  are  about  to  exit  the  REPORTER 
slips  down  on  the  grass  and  levels  his 
camera  at  them.  Just  as  he  is  about 
to  snap  them,  EDITH,  who  is  beside 
him,  by  a  dejt  Jiu  Jitsu  movement 
throws  him  oft  his  balance,  and  very 
nearly  upsets  him.  MARJORIE  and 
BARKING  exit,  lower  Right,  without 
seeing  this.) 

EDITH 
(Calmly.) 

I  don't  think  I'd  take  pictures  if  I  were  you, 
Mr.  Clarkson. 

REPORTER 

(Regaining  his  feet,   ruffled  and  aston 
ished.     Staring    at    her,    rubbing    his 
shoulder.) 
Did  you  do  that? 

EDITH 
Yes. 

REPORTER 
You? 

EDITH 

Yes.     There's  no  one  else  here  to  do  it. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  101 

REPORTER 
(Staring.) 

Great  Scott !     How  in  —  how  did  you  do  it  ? 

EDITH 

It's  very  simple  —  only  one  has  to  be  a  little 
careful  not  to  break  the  other  person's  collar 
bone. 

REPORTER 
To  break  — 

(Rubs  his  shoulder.) 
I  —  I  feel  as  if  a  paving  block  had  hit  me. 

EDITH 
I'm  sorry.     I  tried  to  be  as  gentle  as  I  could. 

REPORTER 
Gentle ! 

(Begins  to  laugh,  admiringly.) 
I  don't  care  to  get  into  trouble  with  you,  Miss 
Blackwell. 

EDITH 

(Calmly.) 
It  won't  be  necessary,  I  hope. 

REPORTER 
Won't  be  necessary ! 


102  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

EDITH 

Not  if  you  do  what  I  tell  you.  You  mustn't 
publish  anything  about  myself  or  my  family, 
or  about  Lord  Tredbury. 

REPORTER 
But  what  am  I  to  say  to  my  paper? 

EDITH 

Telegraph  them  that  you  were  unexpectedly 
injured  in  the  performance  of  your  duty.  Go 
back  to  the  village,  and  if  there  is  any  news,  I 
promise  you  you  shall  have  it.  Good-by,  Mr. 
Clarkson. 

REPORTER 

(Admiringly.} 

Well,  I'll  risk  it,  for  you.     I'll  call  to-morrow. 
(As  he  exits,  upper  Left,  PEPYS  saunters 
in,  Right.} 

PEPYS 

Hello,  Edith,  not  dressed  yet?  Your  father 
and  Hiram  Peters  have  just  driven  up  with  a 
bunch  of  game  cocks,  and  if  I'm  not  mistaken, 
your  father  has  the  real  Tredbury  with  him. 

(Looks  around,  Left.) 
They  are  coming  now. 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  103 

EDITH 
(Laughing.) 

I  must  go,  Larry,  —  remember  I'm  an  actress  — 
for  the  present,  unless  he  has  found  out  from  Dad. 

PEPYS 

(Waves  his  hand,  laughing.) 
All  right.     You're  a  vixen. 

(Exit  EDITH,  lower  Right.  Enter, 
upper  Right,  from  behind  the  corner 
of  the  house,  MR.  BLACK  WELL  in 
his  linen  duster,  LORD  TREDBURY, 
and  HIRAM  PETERS,  followed  by  a 
powdered  FOOTMAN  holding  out  gin 
gerly  a  small  coop  of  game  cocks. 
During  the  following  scene,  TRED 
BURY  peers  around  into  the  house, 
as  if  looking  for  EDITH.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(To  TREDBURY.) 

Here  we  are,  Mr.  Barking.     Make  yourself  at 
home;  this  is  my  house.     Come  on,  Hiram. 

(To  PEPYS.) 

Hello,  Larry,  I  want  you  to  know  Mr.  Barking. 
Mr.  Barking,  Mr.  Pepys. 

(The  two  men  shake  hands,  PEPYS 
smiling  slightly  with  quiet  amuse 
ment.) 


104  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

You  know  Hiram  Peters,  the  sheriff  of  Carroll 
County. 

(PETERS  and  PEPYS  shake  hands.) 
Hiram  and  I  were  pals  before  any  of  this  torn- 
foolishness  was  ever  dreamed  of.  This  isn't 
what  we  used  to  call  a  camp,  eh  —  Hiram  ?  Used 
to  fancy  chickens  then,  too.  I  guess  that's  the 
only  youthful  passion  we've  got  left. 

HIRAM 

(Solemnly:    awed  by  his  surroundings.) 
The  child's  the  father  of  the  man,  John. 

(All  this  time  the  FOOTMAN  is  gravely 

but  gingerly  holding  the  crate.     HIRAM 

peers  into  it.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  Larry,  I  drove  around  by  the  wharf,  and 
there  was  Mr.  Barking,  and  night  coming  on. 
Grace  left  him  there  stranded.  What  do  you 
think  of  that  ? 

(PEPYS  makes  a  comical  gesture.) 
It's  a  good  thing  I  reserved  one  wing  of  this 
"camp"    for   my   own   guests.     I   don't    care   a 
doughnut  whether  they've  got  titles  or  not. 

(Putting   his   hand   on  TREDBURY'S 
shoulder.) 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  105 

I  said  to  him,  "Just  jump  into  the  buggy  between 
Hiram  and  me,  and  come  up,  and  you  needn't 
ever  see  Mrs.  Blackwell  and  her  house  parties." 
My  guests  generally  don't.  What's  the  house 
party  doing  to-night,  Larry? 


PEPYS 
Going  to  dine  at  the  Townsends',  I  believe. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

That's  good  —  that's  capital.  We'll  have  the 
place  to  ourselves  and  dine  out  here  on  this  porch. 
What  do  you  say  ?  • 

TREDBURY 
Splendid ! 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(To  FOOTMAN.) 

Here,  you,  just  tell  the  butler  to  set  the  table 
for  two  out  here,  right  away. 

FOOTMAN 
Very  good,  sir. 

(Sets  down  the  crate,  and  exits,  Left.) 


io6  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

I  never  can  get  used  to  these  flunkeys.  Lord, 
Larry,  didn't  he  look  funny  with  that  crate  of 
chickens?  Eh,  Hiram? 

HIRAM 

(Shaking  his  head.} 
Wahn't  what  you'd  call  a  natural  affinity. 

(Picks  up  the  chicken  coop.} 

Guess  I'll  take  'em  along  out  to  the  barns.  I 
reckon  if  your  wife  was  to  find  me  here,  on  the 
porch,  she'd  get  tarin'  mad. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Hold  on,  Hiram,  I'll  go  with  you.     I'm  afraid 
those   cocks   might   accidentally  get  to   fighting, 
and  you  know  I  won't  have  that. 
(Enter    BUTLER    and  FOOTMAN  to  set  the  table. 

To  FOOTMAN.) 

When  Mr.  Barking  gets  ready  to  go  up,  show  him 
to  the  room  next  to  mine. 


FOOTMAN 
Very  good,  sir. 

(Exit  HIRAM,  carrying  the  chickens,  and 
MR.  BLACKWELL.) 


ACT  ii  THE    TITLE-MART  107 

PEPYS 

(Handing  his  cigarette  case.) 
Have  a  cigarette  —  Mr.  Barking. 


TREDBURY 

(Looks  at  him  keenly,  but  with  a  slight 

smile.) 
Thanks  very  much. 

(BUTLER  and  FOOTMAN  busy  themselves 

setting  the  table.) 


PEPYS 

(After  a  pause,  which  is  a  trifle  awk 
ward,  both  men  lighting  cigarettes.) 
Pretty  place,  isn't  it? 


TREDBURY 

Ah,  very  - 

(A  pause.) 

Do  you  happen  to  know  whether  Miss  Dotty 
Davenport  is  staying  here?  Mr.  Blackwell  didn't 
seem  to  know  much  about  her.  He  says  he  doesn't 
ever  see  his  wife's  guests. 

(Exit  BUTLER  and  FOOTMAN,  having  set 
the  table.) 


-I08  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

PEPYS 

(Trying  to  be  solemn.) 
Ahem! 

(Aside.) 
What  the  devil  am  I  to  say  - 

(Peers  ofj  Left:  relieved.) 

I  believe  there  is  some  one  coming.  Excuse  me. 
(Strolls  off  to  upper  Right  and  looks  over 
balustrade  toward  the  lake,  TRED- 
BURY  looking  ajlcr  him,  as  EDITH 
enters,  Lejt,  dressed  in  a  very  simple 
dinner  gown.) 

TREDBURY 

(Turning  quickly.) 

Ah,  there  you  are  !  I  was  just  trying  to  find  out 
from  that  chap  if  you  were  here. 

EDITH 
If  I  was  here? 

TREDBURY 

I  thought  you  might  have  been  chaffing  me; 
Mr.  Blackwell  didn't  seem  to  know  much  about 
you.  I  came  up  to  see  you,  you  know. 

EDITH 
How  in  the  world  did  you  get  here? 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  109 

TREDBURY 

Oh,  Mr.  Blackwell  had  pity  on  me.  He's  a 
deuced  good  sort.  He  brought  a  sheriff  up  with 
him  and  they  talked  chickens  all  the  way.  It 
seems  he  picks  his  own  guests  without  regard  to 
—  er  — 

EDITH 
Titles? 

TREDBURY 
(Laughing.) 
He  seems  to  have  some  such  prejudice. 

EDITH 
Aren't  you  afraid  of  Mrs.  Blackwell? 

TREDBURY 

I'm  to  keep  on  the  other  side  of  the  house,  you 
know.  But  when  am  I  to  see  you? 

EDITH 

I'll  give  you  a  piece  of  advice.  Don't  let  Mrs. 
Blackwell  see  you  here  —  to-night,  at  all  events. 

TREDBURY 
If  you  like,  of  course.     But  why? 


i  io  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

EDITH 

She'd   be  very   angry   with   me.     And  I'm - 
on  her  side  of  the  house,  you  know.     If  you  see 
any  one  coming,  you  must  run. 

TREDBURY 

(Indicating  PEPYS.) 
How  about  that  chap? 

EDITH 

Mr.  Pepys.  Oh,  he's  in  my  confidence.  He's 
an  old  friend. 

TREDBURY 
Nothing  more? 

EDITH 
Of  course  not. 

TREDBURY 

I  say  —  when  shall  I  see  you  ?  Wouldn't  it  be 
jolly  if  I  were  to  dine  here, 

(Indicates  table.) 
with  you,  instead  of  the  old  party? 

EDITH 

Very,  but  I  think  you  are  rather  cool  to  come 
up  after  you've  been  snubbed.  What  would  you 
have  done  if  —  if  Mr.  Blackwell  hadn't  found 
you? 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  in 

TREDBURY 

Oh,  I  should  have  managed.  Tell  me,  when 
am  I  to  see  you? 

EDITH 

I'll  come  to  the  window  and  wave  to  you  once 
in  a  while.  You'll  have  a  very  good  time  with 
the  "old  party."  He  plays  golf,  you  know,  and 
you  might  teach  him  Jiu  Jitsu.  Good-by. 

TREDBURY 
Good-by? 

EDITH 
Yes.     Some  one's  coming,  you  must  go. 

TREDBURY 

Where? 

EDITH 
To  —  to  your  own  wing. 

TREDBURY 
But  when  am  I  to  see  you? 

EDITH 

Never  —  if  you  don't  obey  me.  Come,  I'll 
show  you  the  way. 


H2  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

(Exit,  upper  Left,  followed  by  TREDBURY. 
Enter,  lower  Left,  BARKING  and  MAR- 

JORIE.) 

BARKING 

But  I  say,  the  beastly  freedom  of  these  chaps. 
I  didn't  at  all  count  on  having  a  reporter. 

MARJORIE 

(Interrupting.) 

You  dealt  with  him  very  cleverly.  I  can  im 
agine  you  treating  aspirants  for  office  like  that 
when  — 

(Looking  up  at  him.) 
you  are  Prime  Minister. 

BARKING 

Prime  Minister,  I  say;  I  can't  quite  tell  you 
what   a   strange   effect  you   have   on   me,   Lady 
Marjorie.     You  quite  make  me  tingle  with  —  er 
—  ambition. 
(Enter,  Left,  EDITH  and  MRS.  BLACKWELL,  and 

MR.  PEPYS  comes  forward.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Dear  Marjorie,  have  you  got  a  shawl? 

(Seeing  the  table  set.) 
Who's  going  to  dine  here? 

(EDITH  laughs,  and  looks  at  PEPYS.) 


ACT  H  THE   TITLE-MART  113 

EDITH 
Dad  has  Hiram  Peters  with  him. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Sighing.) 

Hiram  Peters!  John  has  the  most  senseless 
ideas  of  equality.  To  think  of  dining  here  with 
Hiram  Peters. 

EDITH 

I  wish  I  were  going  to,  —  he's  much  more  in 
teresting  than  Grant  Townsend. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,    you're    positively    anarchistical.     Why 
did  you  put  on  that  gown?     It  makes  you  look 
like  a  village  belle.     And  where  are  your  pearls? 
(Sighs.) 

EDITH 

I'm  going  to  paddle  Lord  Tredbury  across  the 
lake.  You  may  go  in  the  launch. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Mollified.) 

I  suppose  you  wouldn't  be  happy  unless  you 
were  exercising.  And  it  will  be  a  new  experience 


ii4  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

for  Lord  Tredbury  —  an  Adirondack   canoe  at 
sunset.     Don't  be  late  ! 

(Exit,  Lejt,  MRS.    BLACKWELL,    PEPYS, 
MARJORIE.) 

EDITH 

You  seem  to  be  quite  intimate  with  Lady 
Marjorie. 

BARKING 
(Aside.) 
By  jove,  she's  jealous ! 

(Aloud.) 

Yes,  I've  always  been  fond  of  —  er  —  of  Mar 
jorie,  you  know. 

(Lights  a  cigarette.) 

EDITH 

Interesting  —  if  true  !  But  let's  go  down  to  the 
lake.  If  you  have  any  money  in  your  pockets, 
take  it  out  and  put  it  in  your  lap. 

BARKING 
I  say,  would  you  mind  telling  me  the  reason? 

EDITH 

And,  by  the  way,  don't  smoke  your  cigarette  on 
one  side,  even  for  an  instant.  I  hope  you  swim 
well. 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  115 

BARKING 
Oh,  by  jove,  is  it  as  bad  as  that  ? 

EDITH 

Then  you  could  rescue  me.  Wouldn't  that  be 
romantic?  The  lake  is  fed  by  springs,  and  the 
water's  deliciously  cold. 

(Enter  BUTLER  and  FOOTMAN.) 

BARKING 

If  I'd  known  that  now,  I'd  have  worn  a  bathing 
suit. 

(Laughs  confidently.) 

I  think  I  can  manage  a  canoe  —  I  used  to  row  a 
bit  at  Oxford,  you  know. 

(Exit  EDITH,  upper  Lejt,  followed  dubi 
ously  by  BARKING.) 

FOOTMAN 

(Setting  dishes  at  a  side  table.) 
I  s'y,  Stetson,  'e's  a  rum  one  for  a  lord,  'e  is. 
'E  ain't  got  no  cornets  nor  nothin'  on  'is  shirts. 
An'  the  other  one,  Mister  Barking,  did  you  'ear 
'im  a-callin'  of  Miss  Edith  Dotty  Davenport? 


n6  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

BUTLER 

She's  allus  up  to  some  devilment,  Lord  bless 
'er.     If  it  wasn't  for  'er,  I  wouldn't  stay  in  this 
'ouse  a  blessed  minute. 
(Enter,  Right,  MR.  BLACKWELL  and  at  the  same 

time,  Le}ty  LORD  TREDBURY.) 


MR.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  here  you  are,  Barking !     Sit  down. 

(Sits  down  at  table,  and  waves  TREDBURY 

to  a  seat  opposite.) 

Well,  this  is  cosey,  ain't  it,  all  by  ourselves,  with 
that  cussed  house  party  out  of  the  way? 

(BUTLER  and  FOOTMAN  begin  to  serve 


TREDBURY 
Very. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

That's  right.  These  house  parties  never  turn 
over  till  ten,  and  then  some  of  'em  breakfast  in 
bed,  —  a  slovenly  habit,  sir.  I  always  got  up 
early  —  shouldn't  be  where  I  am  now  if  I  hadn't. 
This  place  is  glorious  in  the  morning,  sir,  glorious. 
We'll  breakfast  here  about  seven  o'clock,  sav. 
How  does  that  strike  you? 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  117 

TREDBURY 
Delightful ! 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Good.  At  seven-fifteen  my  buggy  will  be  at 
the  door  and  I'll  show  you  this  country.  We'll 
make  a  day  of  it.  I'll  drive  you  over  to  Ead's 
Centre,  and  let  you  see  the  house  where  I  was 
born. 

TREDBURY 

You're  very  kind. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Not  at  all.  Then  we'll  go  to  Walker's  Corners, 
and  I'll  show  you  where  I  made  my  first  start  in 
life,  —  sweeping  out  a  store.  Store's  there  yet. 
I  daresay  your  own  father  began  that  way. 

TREDBURY 

You  mustn't  have  me  on  your  mind,  you  know. 
I'm  quite  content  here  —  er  —  keeping  out  of 
the  way  of  the  house  party. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Glad  to  do  it.  I  want  you  to  enjoy  yourself. 
You  found  your  room  all  right  —  did  Stetson 
show  you? 


ii8  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

TREDBURY 

Miss  Davenport  showed  me.     I  am  next   to 
you,  I  think. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Who  the  devil  is  this  Miss  Davenport,  and  how 
did  she  know? 

(BUTLER  and  FOOTMAN  turn  their  backs 
to  laugh.) 

TREDBURY 

She  appeared  somewhat  familiar  with  your  side 
of  the  house. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(With  vehemence.) 

I  never  saw  the  woman,  sir;  I  give  you  my 
word  I  never  saw  her. 

TREDBURY 

(Polite,  but  unbelieving.) 
I  found  the  view  very  fine  from  my  window. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

I'd  like  to  know  what  this  Davenport  woman 
has  got  to  do  with  my  rooms. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  119 

TREDBURY 

I  think  that  she,  too,  rather'  liked  the  view 
from  that  side. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

She's  a  designing  hussy,  sir,  I  warn  you  to  be 
careful.  But  you  won't  have  much  chance  to 
see  her.  I  confess  I  don't  grasp  the  principle 
on  which  these  house  parties  are  made  up, — an 
actress,  a  lord  who  hasn't  anything  but  mortgages 
to  his  name,  and  I  daresay  wants  to  marry  my 
daughter.  By  thunder,  he  shan't  have  her,  sir. 
A  plain  business  man,  such  as  you,  sir,  is  good 
enough  for  me.  I've  heard  all  my  life  of  your 
father's  china  plant,  and  I've  a  great  admiration 
for  any  one  who  can  build  up  such  a  concern. 
I'd  like  to  know  something  of  the  details  of  the 
business.  I  suppose  it's  incorporated? 

TREDBURY 
Oh,  yes,  thoroughly  incorporated. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
What  is  the  amount  of  your  capital? 

TREDBURY 
The  fact  is,  I  don't  quite  remember. 


120  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Swallowing.) 

Don't  remember? 

TREDBURY 

You  see,  I'm  —  er  —  in  Parliament.  My 
father  rather  wanted  me  to  be  a  public  man. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

A  great  mistake.  I'd  have  put  you  in  the  busi 
ness.  Now,  for  instance  — 

(Exit   BUTLER,    and   enter,  Right,  in   a 

leisurely  fashion,  HIRAM.) 
Why,    Hiram,    I    thought    you'd    gone    home. 
Changed  your  mind?     That's  good.      Sit  right 
down  here  and  have  some  dinner. 

HIRAM 

No,  I  didn't  come  for  that.  Say,  John,  that 
little  black  and  red  cock  we  both  liked  has  got 
kinder  mixed  up  with  the  mottled  one. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Jumping^) 
What? 

HIRAM 

Thought  ye  might  be  interested. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  121 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

How  long  has  this  been  going  on  ?     Excuse  me, 
Mr.  Barking,  I'll  be  back  presently. 

(Exit,  precipitately,  Right,  carrying  his 
napkin.) 

HIRAM 

Kinder  thought  he'd  like  to  know. 

(They  both  look  after  him.  It  is  now 
deep  twilight.  Unperceived  by  either 
of  them,  BARKING,  dripping,  bedrag 
gled,  wet  to  the  skin,  carrying  his 
coat,  passes  along  the  terrace  back 
of  the  loggia,  from  Right  to  Lejt, 
and  disappears.) 

You  don't  seem  to  take  much  to  chickens,  Mr. 
Barking. 

(Exit  Right.  TREDBURY  sits  down. 
Voices  and  a  commotion  are  heard 
within  the  house,  off  Left,  and  enter 
EDITH,  lower  Left.  TREDBURY  rises 
in  astonishment.  Enter,  Left,  BUTLER 
and  FOOTMAN,  showing  signs  of  mer 
riment.) 

EDITH 

Isn't  it  too  bad  ?     Lord  Tredbury  fell  into  the 
lake, 


122 


THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 


(Ingenuously.} 

and  there's  no  way  of  my  keeping  my  dinner  en 
gagement  at  the  Townsends'.  They're  telephon 
ing. 

TREDBURY 

Tredbury  —  has  fallen  into  the  lake ! 

EDITH 

Oh,  I  fished  him  out  with  the  paddle.  You 
see  he  was  so  sure  that  he  could  manage  a  canoe 
that  I  let  him  get  in  first.  Perhaps  I  shouldn't 
have  done  it.  He's  gone  up  to  change  his  clothes. 
I'm  afraid  they're  ruined,  and  he  can't  afford  to 
get  any  more,  poor  man;  his  tailors  won't  give 
him  any  more  credit. 

(Glancing  at  the  vacant  seat.} 
May  I  have  some  dinner?     I'm  famished. 

(Sits  down  in  MR.  BLACKWELL'S  chair, 
opposite  to  TREDBURY' s,  and  BUTLER 
hands  her  a  dish.} 

TREDBURY 

(Transported.} 

Mr.  Blackwell's  called  away  to  a  cock  fight. 
I  hope  it  lasts  forever. 

EDITH 
A  cock  fight? 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  123 

TREDBURY 

Providence,  assisted,  I  suspect,  by  Hiram,  has 
mixed  up  the  black  and  red  game  cock  with  the 
mottled  one.  By  jove,  Dotty,  Providence  has 
been  more  than  decent  to  shuffle  off  Tredbury 
into  the  lake,  too,  and  transform  me  from  an  out 
cast  on  a  wharf  into  Aladdin's  palace,  dining  with 
you. 

(Hysteric  signs  of  merriment  from  the 

BUTLER   and   FOOTMAN.     TREDBURY 

lifts  his  glass.) 
Let's  drink  to  the  absent. 

EDITH 

(Looking  at  him  critically.) 
You're  cleverer  than  I  thought  you  were.     Of 
course,  that  isn't  saying  a  great  deal. 

TREDBURY 

(To  the  BUTLER.) 
Fill  Miss  Davenport's  glass. 
(BUTLER  has  a  spasm.) 

EDITH 

I  don't  care  for  wine,  —  it  puts  one  rather  out 
of  condition.  But  we  might  send  some  up  to 
Lord  Tredbury.  I  hope  he  won't  take  cold  after 
his  wetting. 


124  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

TREDBURY 

(Laughing  joyfully.) 
It  serves  him  jolly  well  right. 

(Looking  at  her  admiringly.) 
Ton  my  word,  Dotty,  I  believe   you  did  it  on 
purpose. 

EDITH 
(Coolly.) 
Did  what? 

TREDBURY 
Doused  him. 

(Leaning  forward.) 

I  believe  you  did,  so  that  we  two  could  have  an 
evening  together.  By  jove,  I'd  like  to  have  seen 
him  pitching  into  the  water.  How  did  you 
manage  it? 

EDITH 

By  letting  him  do  it  himself.  That's  all  one  has 
to  do  with  men  —  they'll  drown  themselves  if  one 
only  provides  the  water  — 

(Looking  across  at  him.) 
or  the  wine. 

TREDBURY 

You'll  catch  it  rather  when  Mrs.  Blackwell 
comes  home  and  finds  out  that  you've  wet  — 
Lord  Tredbury. 

(Laughs.) 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART 


125 


EDITH 

Well,  I  hope  the  water  didn't  hurt  his  title  any. 
That's  the  main  thing,  and  it's  still  here.  Water 
doesn't  harm  titles,  does  it? 

TREDBURY 
(Laughing.) 

Mr.  Blackwell  was  awfully  squeamish  about 
your  showing  me  to  my  room. 

EDITH 
Who  told  him? 

TREDBURY 

I  had  to,  he  asked  me.  By  the  way,  I  said  you 
seemed  to  know  quite  a  bit  about  his  side  of  the 
house,  and  he  swore  by  all  things  he'd  never 
heard  of  you.  The  old  chap  was  quite  worked 
up,  vowed  he  took  no  stock  in  the  noblemen  and 
actresses  and  all  that  sort  of  trash  his  wife  had 
here.  What  are  you  laughing  at  now? 

EDITH 
I'm  very  fond  of  —  Mr.  Blackwell. 

TREDBURY 
(Annoyed.) 

Do  you  know,  I  thought  he  was  foxing.  He 
protested  too  much.  But  really,  I  can't  see  what 


126  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

there  is  in  the  old  boy  to  attract  you.     He's  a 
good  sort,  and  all  that,  of  course. 

EDITH 
(Calmly.) 
I  love  him  — 

TREDBURY 

(Starting  back  in  his  chair.) 
Oh,  come  now,  Miss  Davenport  — 

EDITH 
—  as  a  father,  of  course. 

TREDBURY 

(Incredulously.) 
Why  does  he  deny  it? 

EDITH 

He  probably  thought  you  might  doubt  —  the 
quality  of  my  affection.  He'll  be  back  presently, 
and  then  — 

TREDBURY 
And  then  — 

EDITH 
I'll  prove  it. 

(The  servants  put  the  coffee  on  the  table 
and  exit,  Left.) 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  127 

I  have  a  piece  of  news  for  you.  You  had 
better  be  careful,  Mr.  Barking  —  Lady  Marjorie's 
here. 

TREDBURY 
(Starting.) 

Marjorie  here  !  Marjorie !  You  say  she's  here. 
How  the  —  how  did  she  get  here  ? 

EDITH 

She  came  by  way  of  Ead's  Centre,  I  believe. 
You  seem  to  be  quite  intimate  with  her, —  in 
spite  of  the  fact  that  she  only  saw  you  once 
when  everybody  was  leaving  —  and  all  that. 
Are  you  quite  sure  that  there  hasn't  been  some 
little  affair?  How  am  I  to  know  she  wasn't 
deceiving  Lord  Tredbury? 

TREDBURY 

Ton  my  word,  Dotty,  there's  nothing  of  that 
kind.  Oh,  I  swear  it.  Nothing  of  that  kind. 
I  wouldn't  marry  her  —  not  if  she  were  the 
granddaughter  of  all  the  royalties  in  Europe. 
Don't  you  believe  me? 

EDITH 

Well,  I've  seen  her,  and  that  makes  me  rather 
inclined  to.  I  don't  like  your  calling  her  by  her 
first  name. 


128  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

TREDBURY 

It  was  only  because,  well  —  because  Tredbury 
does.  What  a  nasty,  characteristic  thing  for 
Marjorie  to  do  —  to  leave  Newport  and  come  here. 
What  the  deuce  could  have  put  her  up  to  it  ? 

EDITH 

Her  hosts  moved  out,  I  suppose.  I  believe 
you're  afraid  of  her. 

TREDBURY 
I?     Oh,  no.     Where  is  she  now? 

EDITH 
She's  gone  to  dine  at  the  Grant  Townsends'. 

TREDBURY 

Would  you  mind  telling  me  what  happened 
when  Tredbury  met  her? 

EDITH 
Well,   she  seemed  rather  surprised  — 

TREDBURY 
Did  she,  eh?    And  he? 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  129 

EDITH 

He  seemed  considerably  surprised.  That  was 
all.  They  talked  awhile,  and  —  if  I  remember 
rightly  — Lady  Marjorie  said  a  number  of 
pleasant  things  to  Tredbury  about  you.  That 
you  were  to  be  Prime  Minister  some  day. 

TREDBURY 

(Breaking  into  laughter.) 
Prime  Minister ! 

(Suddenly  becoming  sober.) 

Oh,  did  she?  Nice  of  her,  I'm  sure.  Don't 
let's  talk  about  her  any  more,  —  time's  too  short. 
Dotty,  how  long  are  you  going  to  stop  with  Mrs. 
Blackwell? 

EDITH 

Oh,  indefinitely.  How  long  are  you  going  to 
stop  with  Mr.  Blackwell? 

TREDBURY 

Until  he  puts  me  out.  I'm  afraid  that'll  be 
rather  soon  when  he  finds  out  —  what  great 
friends  we  are.  Do  you  know,  Dotty,  I've 
never  had  precisely  the  same  feeling  about  any 
one  that  I  have  about  you.  We've  the  same 
sense  of  humor,  and  all  that. 

(Earnestly.) 
Could  you  care  for  me  if  I  didn't  have  any  money  ? 


130  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

EDITH 

(Thoughtfully.) 

I  haven't  enough  imagination  to  answer.  The 
question  is :  Could  you  care  for  me  if  you  didn't 
have  any  money  ?  That's  always  what  a  woman 
wants  to  know. 

TREDBURY 
Dotty  —  since  I  met  you,  since  — 


EDITH 
Since  you  wrestled  with  me. 

TREDBURY 

I'm  not  jesting.     Since  I  met  you,  you've  — 
Dotty  —  the  whole  world  has  changed. 

(He    reaches    across    the    table    for    her 

hand.     She  withdraws  it.) 

Dotty,  listen!  Since  I  met  you  to-day  you've 
become  everything  to  me.  What  are  you  think 
ing  of? 

EDITH 

I'm  wondering  what  you  had  before  that. 

TREDBURY 
Oh! 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  131 

EDITH 

(Critically:   looking  at  him.} 
There   are   many   things   about    you   I   don't 
approve  of. 

TREDBURY 
What? 

EDITH 
Well,  first  of  all,  your  passion  for  actresses. 

TREDBURY 

Ah,  but  it  isn't  a  passion  for  actresses,  you 
know.  I  scarcely  know  how  to  describe  it.  I 
should  have  the  same  feelings  if  you  were  —  er  — 

EDITH 

An  heiress? 

TREDBURY 
(Starting.) 

Why  do  you  say  that? 

(Laughs.) 
Well,  yes,  only  if  you  were. an  heiress,  you'd  be  — 

EDITH 

Unattractive,  hoidenish,  impossible ! 


i32  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

TREDBURY 
Instead  of  the  dearest  little  girl  in  the  world. 

EDITH 
I  don't  like  being  called  little. 

TREDBURY 

(Leaning  forward.) 

The  old  chap  will  be  coming  back  now  and 
making  a  row.  When  can  I  see  you?  He 
wants  to  take  me  off  at  some  beastly  hour  to 
morrow  morning  to  Ead's  Corners,  or  some  place 
like  that,  in  his  buggy,  to  show  me  the  spot  where 
he  was  born.  I  believe  he  wants  to  keep  me  away 
from  you.  I  wonder  what  he'd  say  if  he  knew? 

EDITH 
Knew  what? 

TREDBURY 
How  much  I  cared  for  you. 

EDITH 

(Glancing   off,  Right,  across   the   lawn, 

and  rising.) 
Here  he  comes  now.     We  might  ask  him. 


ACT  II  THE   TITLE-MART  133 

TREDBURY 

(Rising:  alarmed.) 

Dotty,  what  the  deuce  are  you  going  to  do? 
(Enter,  upper  Right,  MR.  BLACKWELL  in  his 
shirt- sleeves,  carrying  his  coat.  He  pauses 
when  he  sees  EDITH,  who  runs  to  him,  and 
they  talk  at  the  back  0}  the  stage  in  dumb  show 
for  a  moment.  MR.  BLACKWELL  pats  EDITH 
on  the  cheek  and  exits,  upper  Lejt.) 

EDITH 

(Returning   and   resuming    her   seat: 

calmly.) 

He'll  be  down  presently.  I  told  him  I'd  eaten 
his  dinner,  but  he  doesn't  seem  to  care.  He  says 
there  is  plenty  more,  and  that  the  mottled  bird 
won. 

TREDBURY 

(Agitatedly.) 

Dotty,  I  don't  at  all  like  his  tapping  your 
cheek.  You  —  er  —  don't  know  these  old  chaps 
as  well  as  I  do. 

EDITH 

(Laughing.) 
I  know  this  "old  chap"   better  than  you  do. 


134  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

TREDBURY 

(Sulkily:  sitting  down.} 

Of  course  it's  none  of  my  affair,  but  why  did 
he  tell  me  he  didn't  know  you  ?  He's  a  sly  old 
fox.  I  think  he  knows  you  rather  well. 

(EDITH  laughs.) 

I  can't  make  him  out.  He  didn't  seem  to  mind 
my  being  here  with  you. 

(Leaning  forward.) 

See  here,  Dotty,  he'll  be  coming  back,  now. 
When  shall  I  see  you?  Can't  you  see  that  I'm 
mad  about  you  ? 

EDITH 

Yes,  I  can  see  it. 

TREDBURY 

I'm  quite  ready  to  chuck  everything  and  stay 
in  America  and  follow  you  round. 

EDITH 
What  would  you  chuck? 

TREDBURY 

(Laughing.) 
China,  I  suppose. 

EDITH 
If  you  chuck  china,  it  breaks,  doesn't  it  ? 


ACT 


THE  TITLE-MART  135 


TREDBURY 

Dotty,  listen!     Why  do  you  torment  me? 
(Reaching  for  her  hand.) 

I  love  you  - 

(Enter  MRS.  BLACKWELL,  upper  Left,  and  comes 
around  behind  TREDBURY.  The  lights  are 
burning  very  low  on  the  table,  and  when  MRS. 
BLACKWELL  sees  TREDBURY  reaching  for 
EDITH'S  hand,  she  pauses  and  coughs  at  some 
distance  behind  him,  mistaking  him  for  BARK 

ING.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  here  you  are.  You  got  word  in  time  that 
Adelaide's  grand-aunt  died.  I  supposed  you  had. 
We  went  all  the  way  over  there,  and  the  butler 
met  us  at  the  landing  with  the  telegram  in  his 
hand,  and  we  haven't  had  any  dinner,  and  we're 
almost  starved.  Dear  Lord  Tredbury,  I'm  so 
glad  you  weren't  put  to  such  inconvenience. 

TREDBURY 

(Rising,  greatly  flustered.) 
Er  —  thanks.     I've   dined   quite   comfortably, 

thanks. 

(An  expression  of  horror  crosses  MRS. 
BLACKWELL'S  face  when  she  recog 
nizes  him,  and  she  backs  away.) 

We  had  —  er  —  just  reached  the  coffee. 


'36  THE    TITLE-MART 


ACT   II 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Ignoring  him  —  her  -voice  shaking  with 

anger:   to  EDITH.) 
Where  is  Lord  Tredbury? 

EDITH 
(Calmly.') 

The  last  I  heard  of  him,  he  was  changing  his 
clothes. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Changing  his  clothes? 

EDITH 

Yes.     He  got  wet.     It  didn't  hurt  his  title  any. 
He  was  quite  careless  getting  into  the  canoe. 
(TREDBURY  laughs.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(With  inarticulate  anger.) 
Oh! 

(Pushes  an  electric  bell:   turns  to  TRED 
BURY.) 
And  what  are  you  doing  here,  may  I  ask,  sir? 

TREDBURY 

(Hugely  embarrassed,  glancing  at  EDITH.) 
Dining  with  Miss  Davenport. 


ACT  ii  THE   TITLE-MART  13? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

With  Miss  Davenport?       With  whom? 
(Enter  BUTLER.) 

TREDBURY 

(Waves  his  hand  helplessly  at  EDITH.) 
With  Miss  Davenport. 
(BUTLER  chokes.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

When  I  saw  you  —  ahem  —  wrestling  with 
Miss  Blackwell,  I  had  reason  to  suspect  this 
afternoon,  Mr.  Barking,  that  you  were  not  in 
your  right  mind.  Now  I  am  sure  of  it.  At  any 
rate, 

(Glancing  at  the  champagne.) 
that  is  the  more  charitable  view. 

TREDBURY 

(Petrified  with  horror.) 
Wrestling  with  —  with  Miss  Blackwell ! 

(Stares  wildly  at  EDITH.) 
Are  you  —  are  you  — 

(Collapses.) 
Oh,  by  jove ! 


138  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  n 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(To  BUTLER.) 

Stetson,  give  his  lordship  my  compliments, 
and  say  that  I  trust  he  feels  no  ill  effects  from  his 
wetting. 

(Exit,  lower  Left,  sweeping  out.) 

EDITH 

I'm  sorry,  but  —  I'm  the  unattractive  person 
you  read  about.  And  I  never  acted  in  my  life  — 
until  to-night. 

(She  drops  him  a  courtesy,  and  exits, 
lower  Left,  TREDBURY  staring  after 
her.) 

CURTAIN 


ACT  III 

SCENE.  The  drawing-room  of  Mr.  Blackwel^s  camp,  ft 
is  a  large  room,  the  wooden  walls  decorated  with  antlers, 
and  finished  in  a  very  costly  manner.  It  has  a  great, 
rough  stone  fireplace,  middle  Left,  and  a  door  on  either 
side.  Over  the  fireplace  is  a  moose^s  head.  In  the  rear 
there  are  three  long  windows,  like  French  windows. 
Beyond  these  can  be  seen  the  terrace  with  balustrade, 
like  that  in  the  second  act,  and  the  lake  and  mountains 
beyond.  Between  two  of  the  windows  is  a  dainty  writ 
ing  desk.  Down  Right  is  a  long  table  on  which  magazines 
and  newspapers  are  arranged,  and  a  telephone  instru 
ment.  There  is  another  window  at  lower  Right  which  is 
supposed  to  lead  out  on  the  loggia  shown  in  the  second 
act. 

TIME  :  About  ten  o'clock  in  the  morning  following  the 
preceding  act. 

AT  RISE  :  LADY  MARJORIE  is  discovered  looking  languidly 
over  the  table  of  magazines,  and  STETSON,  the  butler, 
stands  respectfully  in  the  middle  of  the  room. 

MARJORIE 
I  don't  see  Truth. 

BUTLER 

We  don't  'ave  it  in  the  house,   your  ladyship. 
139 


I4o  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

MARJORIE 

I  might  have  known  it.     Or  La  Vie  Parisi- 
enne. 

BUTLER 
I  beg  pardon,  me  lady. 

MARJORIE 
Where  are  the  French  papers? 

BUTLER 

Please,  me  lady,  they  are  in  Mrs.  BlackwelFs 
room. 

MARJORIE 

(Picking  up  a  silver  cigarette  box.} 
Stetson,  I  don't  at  all  like  these  cigarettes. 

(Puts  one  in  her  mouth,  and  STETSON 

lights  it.} 

Can't  you  find  Mr.  Pepys?    He  has  some  good 
ones  —  Melachrinos. 

BUTLER 

I'll  try  to  find  him,  me  lady. 

(Exit  STETSON,  lower  Right.  As  he 
exits,  TREDBURY  is  seen  peering  in 
through  one  o)  the  windows.  He 


ACT  in  THE  TITLE-MART  141 

starts,  utters  an  ejaculation,  looks  all 
around  the  room,  and  enters  just  as 
LADY  MARJORIE  is  going  to  the  desk, 
rear.  They  stop  face  to  face.) 

TREDBURY 

(Exclaiming,  indignantly. ) 
I  say,  Marjorie,  I  don't  see  why  you  came  here. 

MARJORIE 
(Calmly.) 

The  Windhams  were  leaving  Newport;  there 
didn't  seem  any  other  place  to  come. 

TREDBURY 

(Looking  around  cautiously.) 
Is  any  one  else  about? 

MARJORIE 
Whatever's  the  matter  with  you? 

TREDBURY 
(Fiercely.) 
Where's  that  ass  ? 

MARJORIE 

You  mean  your  china  friend  who  is  representing 
you  for  the  time  being,  I  suppose.     He's  been  in 


1 42  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

bed  since  eight  o'clock  last  evening,  and  I  think 
he's  afraid  to  come  down.  Awfully  clever  of 
you  to  send  him  up  in  your  place,  Treddy.  But 
you  should  have  seen  him  when  he  first  met  me ! 
He  had  a  frightful  quart  d'heure. 

TREDBURY 

(Vehemently.) 

Confound  him!  Between  the  two  of  you,  I 
shouldn't  wonder  if  you'd  ruined  my  life. 

MARJORIE 
Rubbish ! 

(Sitting  down:  innocently.) 
What  have  I  done? 

TREDBURY 

Why  did  you  write  me  all  that  stuff  about  Miss 
Blackwell? 

MARJORIE 

Stuff?  What  did  I  say?  Sit  down,  Treddy, 
and  have  a  cigarette.  There  are  some  on  the 
table.  You  might  give  me  another;  they're  not 
very  good. 

TREDBURY 

(Angrily:  handing  her  the  cigarettes.) 
No,  thanks.     You  said  Miss  Blackwell  was  un- 


ACT  in  THE  TITLE-MART  143 

attractive,  hoidenish,  impossible.     By  jove,  how 
could  you? 

MARJORIE 

(Lighting  cigarette  from  the  other  one: 

ingenuously.) 

Isn't  she?  I  thought  she  was.  Of  course, 
men  are  not  as  good  judges  of  the  opposite  sex 
as  women. 

TREDBURY 

Impossible!  Unattractive!  She's  quite  the 
most  attractive  girl  I  ever  met. 

MARJORIE 

Oh,  come  now,  Treddy,  you  don't  mean  quite 
that.  Aren't  you  a  bit  dazzled  by  her  millions? 

TREDBURY 
(Angrily.) 
I  thought  she  was  an  actress  until  last  night. 

MARJORIE 
What  made  you  change  your  opinion? 

TREDBURY 

Reggie  told  me  she  was  an  actress.  Con 
founded  clever  of  him!  I  must  say  that  she 
played  the  part  dashed  well. 


144  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

MARJORIE 
(Laughing.) 

Then  Reggie  ain't  such  a  fool  as  he  looks. 

TREDBURY 

How  is  it  all  going  to  end? 

(Fiercely.) 
I  want  you  to  tell  me  that. 

MARJORIE 

You  must  be  in  love  with  her,  or  you  wouldn't 
be  hanging  around  here  like  an  escaped  lunatic. 

TREDBURY 

I  want  to  see  her,  tell  her  I've  been  an  ass,  and 
go  away  forever. 

MARJORIE 

It  seems  quite  unnecessary,  Treddy. 

(Laughs.) 

All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  fall  on  your  knees,  con 
fess  you're  Lord  Tredbury,  and  she'll  accept  you 
before  you  have  time  to  get  up  again. 

TREDBURY 

Accept   me!    She'd   do   nothing   of   the   sort. 
You're  —  you're  incapable  of  appreciating  her. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  145 

And  do  you  think  I'd  tell  her  who  I  am  after 
what  has  happened?  I'd  cut  my  tongue  out  first. 
I  simply  want  to  apologize  like  — 

MARJORIE 
Like  a  china  person.     That's  your  role,  isn't  it  ? 

TREDBURY 
Like  a  decent  chap,  and  then  get  out. 

MARJORIE 
Where  will  you  go? 

TREDBURY 
I  don't  know  —  I  don't  care. 

MARJORIE 

Suppose  you  come  to  Lenox.     I'll  take  your 
friend  Barking  there. 

TREDBURY 

(With  jeeling.) 
I  never  want  to  see  either  of  you  again. 

(Stops,    listens,    and    goes    toward    the 
windows  in  the  rear.) 


146  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

MARJORIE 
Where  are  you  going? 

TREDBURY 

I'm  —  I'm  not  allowed  in  this  part  of  the  house. 
(Coming  back,  and  addressing  her  in  a 

tense  voice.) 

I  shouldn't  at  all  wonder  if  you've  ruined  my  life. 
(Exit  rapidly,  through  rear  windows. 
MARJORIE  sinks  into  a  chair,  and  be 
gins  to  laugh.  Enter  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL,  lower  Left.  She  has  a  letter  in 
her  hand.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Why,  Marjorie  dear,  are  you  down?  And  it's 
only  ten  o'clock.  I  hate  the  morning.  You  have 
such  a  sensible  custom  in  England  of  not  facing 
it  till  lunch  time.  All  the  worries  and  perplexities 
of  one's  life  come  in  the  morning,  and  now  I've 
had  a  letter  from  Sarah  Hollingsworth  that  my 
cook  is  advertised  on  the  billboards.  It's  the 
last  straw,  but  I  might  have  known  that  it  would 
come. 

MARJORIE 

Your  cook  advertised  on  the  billboards  !  What 
in  the  world  do  you  mean? 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  14? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  as  using  some  kind  of  porridge,  or  breakfast 
food,  as  it  is  vulgarly  called.  Sally  says  that  the 
first  time  she  saw  it  was  from  a  car  window, 
on  a  huge  board  in  a  swamp.  My  name  caught 
her  eye :  "  Mrs.  John  Blackwell's  cook  uses 
Manna."  Manna!  Nothing  is  sacred  in  Amer 
ica,  not  even  the  Bible,  and  poor,  dear  Antoine, 
—  how  he  must  relish  being  called  a  cook ! 

(Sighs.) 

That  is  one  of  the  penalties  of  belonging  to  the 
aristocracy. 

MARJORIE 

It  seems  so  strange  to  have  an  aristocracy 
in  a  Republic.  Doesn't  the  Constitution,  or  the 
Declaration  of  Rights,  or  whatever  you  have,  for 
bid  it? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

My  dear,  how  very  English  you  are !  Our 
aristocracy  is  founded  on  republican  principles, 
and  we  have  the  right  to  be  as  arrogant  as  we 
choose.  Any  one  who  has  sufficient  discrimina 
tion  and  determination  and  sang-froid  may  belong. 
We  are  not  encumbered  by  duties  or  responsibili 
ties,  and  we  have  a  code  of  our  own. 


148  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

MARJORIE 

It's  magnificent,  but  —  is  it  an  aristocracy? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Certainly. 

MARJORIE 

But  there  is  no  peerage  or  Almanac  de  Gotha. 
How  is  one  to  tell  whether  one  belongs? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

By  the  increased  consideration  one  receives 
from  people  who  profess  not  to  believe  in  an 
aristocracy. 

MARJORIE 

Ah,  I  see.  And  having  one's  cook  on  the  bill 
boards  is  an  outward  and  visible  sign,  I  suppose. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(Sighing.) 

I  am  not  saying  that  we  do  not  lack  finish.  We 
are  a  nation  of  barbarians,  and  we  are  suffering 
from  morality. 

MARJORIE 

How  very  odd !  I  thought  it  was  an  English 
trait. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  149 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  we  have  it,  too.  What  may  one  expect  of  a 
people  who  make  a  cult  of  that  crudest  of  sensa 
tions,  patriotism?  Who  keep  Decoration  Day 
and  the  Fourth  of  July,  for  instance?  And  our 
men  seldom  run  off  with  other  men's  wives. 

MARJORIE 

It  isn't  necessary,  any  more. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Have  you  seen  Lord  Tredbury? 

(TREDBURY  is  seen  peering  in.) 

MARJORIE 

(Absently.) 

Yes. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Turning:  with  interest.) 
He's  come  down? 

MARJORIE 

(Laughing.) 

What  did  I  say  ?  Oh,  no,  I  suppose  he's  still  in 
bed. 


ISO  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Coming  back,  towards  MARJORIE.) 
I  sent  a  footman  twice  to  his  room  this  morning 
—  he  left  his  valet  at  Tipton's,  you  know. 

(Confidentially  and  tragically.) 
My  dear  Marjorie,  nothing  will  convince  me  that 
Edith  didn't  upset  him  in  the  lake  in  order  to 
come  back  and  talk  with  that  vulgar  Barking. 

(With  inspiration.) 

I've  an  idea!     Dear  Marjorie,  why  wouldn't  he 
do  for  you? 

MARJORIE 
Did  you  say  that  vulgar  Barking? 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  well,  you  know,  there's  no  getting  around  it, 
—  he  is  vulgar.  He's  done  the  most  abominable 
things.  Still,  my  dear,  if  he  married  you,  you 
and  the  Duke  could  do  wonders  with  him,  — 
and,  of  course,  you  needn't  see  a  great  deal  of  him. 
You  tell  me  he  has  a  career  in  Parliament.  He 
is  visiting  Mr.  Blackwell,  you  know,  and  I  believe 
I'll  invite  him  to  my  side  of  the  house. 

(Sighs.) 

I  invite  so  few  of  Mr.  Blackwell's  guests  to  see 
me.  But,  Marjorie,  I  really  think  you  ought  to 
consider  him.  You'll  pardon  me  for  speaking 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  151 

frankly,  but  the  dear  Duchess  accomplishes  such 
marvels  by  frankness. 

MARJORIE 

Invite  him  over  by  all  means,  Grace,  —  if  you 

like. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Dear  Marjorie,  do  consider  him.     I  do  so  want 
to  see  you  happily  settled. 

MARJORIE 

Dear  Grace,  how  kind  of  you  to  consider  me! 
(Enter,  lower  Left,  EDITH.) 

EDITH 
Morning,  Lady  Marjorie.     Hello,  Grace ! 

(EDITH  catches  sight  of  TREDBURY  as 
he  dodges  away  from  the  window,  but 
does  not  betray  the  fact  that  she  sees 
him.  He  makes  frantic  signs  for  her 
to  come  out.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(A  little  embarrassed.) 

Edith,  I'm  thinking  of  asking  Mr.  Barking  to 
visit  me. 

(MARJORIE  pretends  to  read.) 


152  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

EDITH 

But  I  thought  you  didn't  like  him.  You've 
been  calling  him  vulgar  and  commercial  and  all 
sorts  of  things.  Why  this  change  of  heart  ? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Nervously:   glancing  at  MARJORIE.) 
Well,  my  dear,  I  suppose  I  was  wrong,  after  all. 

(Sighing.) 

We  must  recognize  the  claims  of  commerce;  we 
must  admit  that  new  blood  is  a  good  thing.  Mr. 
Barking  has  behaved  atrociously,  but  — 


EDITH 

But  you  said  of  him,  Grace,  that  one  cannot 
make  a  silk  purse  out  of  —  baser  materials. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  my  dear,  it  doesn't  make  so  much  difference 
about  the  purse  so  long  as  it's  full.  Lady  Mar- 
jorie  says  he  will  make  a  name  for  himself. 

EDITH 
Oh,  I  see ! 

(Glancing  at  LADY  MARJORIE,  who  is 
pretending  to  read.) 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  153 

Oh,  of  course,  if  you  are  inviting  him  on  Lady 
Marjorie's  account  — 


MARJORIE 
(Sweetly.) 

Pray  don't  consider  me.       I  am  sure  /  don't 
want  him. 

MRS.  BLACK  WELL 

Dear  Marjorie,you  are  so  lacking  in  worldliness. 
(TREDBURY,  who  has  been  peering  in, 
disappears  behind  the  wall.     MARJO- 
RIE'S  back  is  turned  to  him.) 


MARJORIE 
I  have  no  interest  in  Mr.  Barking  whatever. 

EDITH 

An  interest  in  him  might  be  rather  a  good  thing 
—  if  it  were  paid  quarterly. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Laughing.) 

Like  alimony.     Really,  Edith,  you  are  too  bad. 
You  seem  to  have  taken  quite  a  fancy  to  him. 


154  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

EDITH 

(Glancing  at  MARJORIE.) 

There's  quite  a  difference  between  wrestling 
with  a  man  and  marrying  him. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I'm  delighted  to  hear  you  say  so. 

(Suddenly   catches   herself:    glancing   at 
MARJORIE.) 

MARJORIE 

Oh,  pray  don't  mind  me,  Grace.  /  have  no 
intention  of  marrying  him. 

EDITH 

Then,  since  Lady  Marjorie  doesn't  want  to 
marry  him,  why  do  you  invite  him? 

MARJORIE 

(Pretending  to  read:   bitterly.) 
I  suppose  of  course  there  is  no  other  reason. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  of  course,  if  neither  of  you  want  him,  I 
don't.  I'm  sure  I  should  always  draw  the  line 
at  china.  Only  it  wasn't  very  nice  of  you  to 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  155 

trifle  with  him  that  way,  Edith.  I  suppose  you 
only  did  it  to  annoy  me. 

(Sighing.) 
I  am  quite  used  to  that. 

(TREDBURY  peers  in.) 

I  am  glad  he  offended  you ;  perhaps  it  will  teach 
you  a  lesson. 

(Rising.) 

Dear  Marjorie,  I  hope  you  are  comfortable.  The 
tea  you  ordered  from  New  York  will  arrive  to 
night.  And  —  isn't  there  any  other  little  thing 
you  would  like? 

MARJORIE 

(Rising.) 

Perhaps  if  you  would  let  me  take  the  French 
papers  from  your  room,  and  if  you  would  lend  me 
your  secretary  to  answer  my  letters  — 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Certainly,  my  dear,  come  with  me.  I  do  hope 
dear  Lord  Tredbury  hasn't  taken  cold.  Edith, 
I'll  be  down  presently.  I  want  to  talk  to  you. 

EDITH 

Very  well,  I'll  be  here.  I've  got  to  write  to 
the  vet,  and  I  can't  remember  whether  his  name 
is  Hoskins  or  Hawkins.  You  don't  happen  to 
know? 


156  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  my  dear,  how  should  I  know? 

(Exit,  lower  Left,  followed  by  MAR- 
JORIE.  EDITH  goes  to  the  desk  and 
sits  down.  TREDBURY  peers  cau 
tiously  in,  looks  around  the  room, 
enters,  and  stands  be j ore  EDITH.) 

EDITH 

(Who   has   the   tip   of   her   pen  in   her 

mouth.) 

Good  morning.  I  thought  you'd  gone  off  with 
Mr.  Blackwell  to  see  his  birthplace.  I'm  trying 
to  write  to  the  vet,  and  I  can't  remember  whether 
his  name  is  Hoskins  or  Hawkins.  Which  do  you 
think  is  the  more  likely? 

TREDBURY 

Miss  Blackwell,  I've  come  to  say  good-by  to 
you. 

EDITH 

I  supposed  of  course  you'd  gone. 

TREDBURY 
I  couldn't  go  without  seeing  you  again. 

EDITH 
Isn't  it  rather  warm  to  start  now? 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  157 

TREDBURY 
Warm  !     Did  you  say  warm  ? 

EDITH 

I  thought  you  were  to  start  at  seven,  —  Mr. 
Blackwell  likes  to  get  off  early. 

TREDBURY 

Er  —  the  fact  is,  we  did  start  at  seven.  I 
escaped. 

EDITH 

Escaped ! 

TREDBURY 

I've  been  here  three  hours  waiting  for  a  chance 
to  speak  to  you.  To  tell  the  truth,  I've  been  up 
practically  all  night. 

EDITH 

It  doesn't  sound  practical,  —  it  sounds  dissi 
pated.  I  hope  my  father  didn't  sit  up  with  you. 

TREDBURY 

Sometime,  perhaps,  you'll  understand.  But  I 
want  to  say  that  I  made  the  mistake  of  my  life. 


I58  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  ill 

EDITH 
It  must  have  been  monumental.     What  is  it? 

TREDBURY 

I  can't  tell  you ;  I  should  be  a  cad  if  I  did.  I 
don't  blame  you  for  despising  me,  Miss  Black- 
wcll.  You  served  me  jolly  well  right,  and  I 
deserve  it.  And  just  a  word :  look  out  for  that 
chap ;  I  can't  tell  you  why,  but  —  look  out 
for  him.  And  I  wouldn't  have  any  more  to 
do  with  Lady  Marjorie  than  I  could  help.  She's 
ruined  my  life. 

EDITH 
Not  quite,  I  hope. 

TREDBURY 

(Taking  a  step  nearer  her.} 
I  should  like  you  to  know  before  I  leave  that 
my  —  my  feeling  for  Miss  Davenport  was  of  the 
sincerest  nature.     Good-by ! 

EDITH 
Mr.  Blackwell  will  be  very  much  disappointed. 

TREDBURY 
I've  left  him  a  line.     The  old  boy  is  a  trump  - 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  159 

I  beg  your  pardon  —  your  father's  a  good  sort. 
I  hated  to  do  it.     Some  day  you'll  know  why. 

(With  more  fervor.) 
Some  day,  perhaps,  you'll  forgive  me. 

(A   noise  of    some  one   approaching    is 
heard  off  Right.    TREDBURY  looks  anx 
iously  in  that  direction.     Holds  out  his 
hand.) 
Good-by  —  Dotty ! 

(Goes  swiftly  to  window,   rear.     Turn 
ing,  and  pointing  up  towards  the  ceil 
ing.) 
Don't  marry  that  chap ! 

(Exit.  EDITH  goes  to  the  window  and 
looks  after  him.  Enter,  lower  Right, 
HIRAM  PETERS.) 

HIRAM 
How  be  you  to-day,  Edith? 

EDITH 

(Turning  quickly.) 
Oh!    Hello,  Hiram! 

HIRAM 

Whar's  the  missus?     She  sent  for  me  to  see 
about  gittin'  some  help  to  have  a  wall  built. 


160  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

EDITH 

She's  upstairs.     They  send  for  you  for  every 
thing,  don't  they,  Hiram? 

HIRAM 

I  am  a  kind  of  a  handy  man.     That  and  bein' 
the  sheriff  keeps  me  purty  busy. 

(Sadly.) 

But  there  ain't  as  many  criminals  in  the  county 
as  there  used  to  be.  How's  that  ther  fool  lord 
this  morning? 

EDITH 

I  believe  he's  still  in  bed. 

HIRAM 

In  bed!    Well,  I'll  be  jiggered! 

(Looks  at  his  watch.) 

I  don't  take  much  stock  in  this  here  effete 
nobility. 

(An  uneasy  pause.) 

Say,  Edith,  I  knowed  you  sence  you  was  a 
little  girl.  You  ain't  a-going  to  marry  him,  be 
you? 

EDITH 
I  don't  think  so. 

HIRAM 
Don't  marry  that  torn-fool  lord.     If  I  had  to 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  161 

marry  one  of  them,  I'd  take  Barking,  durned  if  I 
wouldn't. 

EDITH 

(Going  up  to  HIRAM,  pushing  back  his 
coat,  and  taking  hold  of  the  shield  on 
his  waistcoat.) 

Hiram,  would  you  arrest  anybody  if  I  asked 
you  to? 

HIRAM 
Guess  I  would!    Anybody  done  anything? 

EDITH 

That  Mr.  Barking  you  were  speaking  of  is 
about  to  make  his  escape. 

HIRAM 

I'll  be  jiggered.  He  was  a  nice  appearin' 
feller.  What's  he  done,  looted  the  house  ?  Took 
any  silver? 

EDITH 

Not  exactly  that,  but  he's  a  fraud,  and  I  have 
reason  to  suspect  he  is  going  to  try  to  take  the 
train  at  Balchville.  I  want  you  to  keep  an  eye 
on  him,  and  if  he  tries  to  get  away,  bring  him 
back  here,  to  me. 


1 62  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

HIRAM 

(Looking  at  his  watch,  excitedly.} 
We'll  have  to  go  over  to  the  Centre  and  git  a 
warrant. 

EDITH 
A  warrant ! 

(Putting  her  hand  on  HIRAM'S  shoulder.} 
Hiram,  couldn't  you  possibly  do  without  the  war 
rant?  If  you  could  only  bring  him  back  here 
quietly,  it  would  save  a  lot  of  publicity,  you  know, 
and  father  hates  publicity.  Get  him  and  bring 
him  back  to  me.  I'll  talk  to  him. 

HIRAM 

It's  irregular,  Edith.  By  godfrey,  it  might 
bring  on  a  war  with  Great  Britain. 

EDITH 

(Laughing.} 

Hardly  that.  Hiram,  won't  you  do  it  for  me? 
I'll  promise  you  that  it  will  go  no  farther.  Bring 
him  back  here  to  me. 

HIRAM 

(Looks  at  her  and  wavers.} 

Wai,  it's  consarned  irregular,  but  I'll  do  it  for 
you,  Edith.  I  don't  know  what's  gettin'  into 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  163 

the    place.     I   ain't    arrested    nobody  for    three 

months.     I'll  chance  it  —  I'll  git  him. 

(Starts  jor  the  window  and  turns.) 

Say,  tell  the  missus  I'll  see  her  about  that  wall 

later. 

(Exit.  EDITH  goes  to  the  window  and 
looks  ajter  him,  laughs,  sits  down  at 
the  desk,  and  puts  her  pen  in  her 
mouth.  Enter  MRS.  BLACKWELL, 
lower  Right.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Excitedly.) 

Edith,  Lord  Tredbury  is  up  at  last  —  he's 
coming  down ! 

EDITH 

(Without  looking  up.) 
You  don't  mean  it. 

(Begins  to  write.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith,  I  want  to  talk  seriously  with  you.  Why 
do  you  treat  Lady  Marjorie  as  you  do?  One 
would  think  you  had  no  manners. 

EDITH 

You  know  it  isn't  the  thing  to  have  manners  — 
except  for  horses. 


164  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  do  be  serious  for  once;  Lord  Tredbury 
will  be  down  any  minute. 

(EDITH  puts  her  hand  on  her  heart.} 
What  are  you  doing  now?  But,  as  I  was  say 
ing,  Lord  Tredbury  may  be  down  any  moment. 
Do  be  nice  to  him, — I'm  sure  you  spilled  him 
into  the  lake  on  purpose.  It  will  be  all  right  if  he 
never  knows  it;  and  the  aristocracy  are  dears, 
they  are  so  undiscerning. 

EDITH 

(Bending  over  her  letter  and  writing.} 
Please    wait   a    moment,  Grace;    I  must    get 
this  letter  off. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  that's  just  like  you,  writing  to  veterinary 
surgeons  when  your  life's  happiness  is  at  stake. 
Sometimes  you  are  so  like  your  father  that  I  want 
to  I  eat  you. 

EDITH 

(Folds  the  letter,  puts  it  in  the  envelope, 

and  closes  it.} 
There !    Now,  what  is  it  ? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

O  dear,  we  are  wasting  so  much  time  —  and 
I  don't  know  what  to  say  to  you. 


ACT  in  THE  TITLE-MART  165 

EDITH 

Perhaps  I  can  say  it,  Grace.     You  want  me  to 
marry  Lord  Tredbury,  whether  I  love  him  or  not. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(On  the  verge  0}  tears.) 

Edith,  you  have  a  positively  brutal  way  of  put 
ting  things. 

EDITH 

(Standing  up  and  patting  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL    on  the  shoulder.      She   has  a 
man's  way  0}  doing  this  kind  of  thing, 
although  she  gives  it  a  feminine  touch.) 
There,  don't  cry.     I  haven't  any  objection  to 
marrying  Lord  Tredbury. 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 


You've 
him? 


(Gasping,  and  rising  to  her  feet.) 
i've  no   objection!     Edith!     Do   you   love 


EDITH 


What  difference  does  that  make  ?     Well,  I  don't 
mind  admitting  that  I  am  —  rather  fond  of  him. 


166  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  HI 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  my  dear,  my  dear ! 

(Stares  at  EDITH,  totally  at  a  loss.) 
Has  he  spoken  already  ? 


EDITH 
I  haven't  allowed  him  to. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
Oh,  my  dear !    And  do  you  think  he  loves  you  ? 

EDITH 

Of  course  that  couldn't  make  any  difference, 
either.     But  I  think  he  does. 

(MRS.  BLACKWELL  makes  a  forward  move 
ment,  and  EDITH  evades  her.) 
Please  don't  embrace  me,  Grace  —  I  hate  to  be 
embraced. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Backing  off  and  looking  at  her.) 
Incomprehensible  girl !  Edith,  you're  a  dear ! 
(Enter,  lower  Left,  MR.  BARKING.  He  is  dressed 
in  a  rather  louder  checked  travelling  suit  than 
the  day  before,  and  he  has  a  blustering  manner 
which  betrays  to  the  audience  that  he  is  nervous. 
EDITH  has  resumed  her  seat  at  the  desk,  where 
she  is  stamping  and  sealing  her  letter.) 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  167 

BARKING 

(Stopping  short  at  sight  oj  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL.) 
Ah,  dear  Mrs.  Blackwell  — 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(Coming  forward  effusively  and  taking 

his  hand.) 

Dear  Lord  Tredbury !  I  hope  you  slept  well. 
I  hope  you  feel  no  unfortunate  effects  from  get 
ting  wet  —  I'm  so  glad  that  the  lake  was  cold,  - 
Englishmen  and  cold  water  go  so  perfectly  to 
gether.  As  I  said  to  dear  Marjorie,  if  the  lake 
had  been  hot,  I  should  have  worried  about  you. 
But  it  was  quite  cold,  was  it  not  ? 

BARKING 
By  jove,  I  should  rather  think  so! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I  am  so  glad.  I  told  the  valet  to  put  a  lump  of 
ice  in  your  bath  this  morning.  I  hope  he  did  it. 
Edith  should  have  warned  you  about  getting  into 
canoes  —  the  poor  child  has  been  so  worried. 
Really,  her  account  of  the  accident  was  most  dis 
tressing,  and  I  almost  wept  when  she  told  me 
how  she  saw  your  hat  floating  on  the  water,  with 
nothing  in  it.  She  said  it  looked  so  natural. 


168  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

BARKING 

I  say,  did  Miss  Blackwell  say  that? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

One  notes  the  pathetic  at  such  times.  I  hope 
you've  had  a  good  breakfast,  Lord  Tredbury. 
The  dishes  were  on  the  sideboard.  We  follow 
the  English  custom  of  getting  up  and  sitting  down 
as  often  as  possible.  I  never  could  quite  under 
stand  it  with  the  servants  around,  but  I  suppose 
the  idea  is  that  it  gives  one  so  much  exercise.  It's 
certainly  delightful. 

BARKING 

(He  has  not  perceived  EDITH  at  the  desk. 
He  has  passed  her,  and  his  back  has 
been  turned  towards  her.     EDITH  now 
exits  quietly  by  the  rear  windows.} 
Er  —  the  fact  is,  I  wanted  particularly  to  see 
you  alone. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Flustered.} 
Of  course  —  certainly  —  Edith ! 

(She  turns  and  perceives  EDITH  is  gone.} 
Why,  she's  gone.  She  was  here  only  a  moment 
ago. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  169 

BARKING 

(Glancing  around,  uneasily.} 
By  jove,  I  didn't  see  her! 

(Turning  to  MRS.   BLACKWELL:  impul 
sively  and  jerkily.} 

Mrs.  Blackwell  —  there  is  —  er  —  there  is  — 
something  I  must  tell  you.  I  feel  that  it  is  due 
to  you  to  tell  you. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(SofOy.) 

I  think  I  know. 

BARKING 

(Taken  aback.) 
You  know  —  you  knew  all  the  time  ? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
I  am  not  so  easily  fooled  as  you  imagine. 

BARKING 

How  you  must  despise  me !     But  really,  it  was 
not  my  fault  —  I  was  led  into  it. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Smiling  with  comprehension.) 
Oh,  don't  speak  of  them!    Young  men  will 


170 


THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 


be  young  men,  dear  Lord  Tredbury.  What 
would  an  aristocracy  be  without  its  debts  ?  That's 
the  trouble  with  us  in  America ;  we  pay  our  bills  at 
once,  although  we  are  beginning  to  see  that  this 
is  vulgar. 

(He  starts  to  expostulate,  but  she  silences 

him.) 

Let  me  finish.  I  can  quite  understand  your 
delicacy,  and  I  honor  it,  dear  Lord  Tredbury. 


BARKING 

Mrs.  Blackwell,  I  entered  your  house  in  a  false 
light.     I  must  explain. 


MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I  told  you  that  I  quite  understood. 

(BARKING  looks  at  her  blankly.) 
I  quite  understand.  Dear  me,  I  wish  that 
French  were  still  the  Court  language  —  one  can 
express  one's  self  so  much  better  in  French.  I  was 
aware  of  your  mission  to  this  country  when  I 
asked  you  to  my  house. 


BARKING 
My  mission !    Mrs.  Blackwell,  I  must  explain— 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  171 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

It  is  not  necessary.  The  fact  is,  your  entrance 
was  quite  opportune.  I  have  been  talking  to 
Edith,  and  I  feel  that  I  may  say  to  you,  quite 
frankly,  that  I  found  her  unexpectedly  reasonable. 
I  will  also  be  frank  with  you  and  say  that  I  had 
fears. 

BARKING 

(Bewildered:  sticking  in  his  monocle.) 
Fears !     Quite  so. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Sometimes  Edith  has  ridiculous  fancies  in 
social  matters,  and  when  I  saw  her  wrestling  with 
Mr.  Barking,  my  spirits  sank.  One  of  the  surest 
ways  for  a  man  to  win  her  heart  would  be  to 
wrestle  himself  into  it.  And  yet  you  seem  to 
have  won  it  without  resorting  to  such  —  violent 
methods,  Lord  Tredbury. 

BARKING 
(Agitated.) 
I  —  I !     I  won  her  heart  ? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Your  confusion  does  you  credit.  I  have 
spoken  to  Edith.  She  is  anything  but  indifferent 


I72  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

to  you,  dear  Lord  Tredbury,  and  she  has  con 
fessed  to  me  that  you  love  her. 

BARKING 
I  love  her ! 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

There,  you  must  tell  that  to  Edith.  It  was 
quite  honorable  to  have  spoken  to  me  first.  I 
was  so  afraid  that  she  was  taking  a  fancy  to  that 
Mr.  Barking. 

(BARKING  starts  to  expostulate.} 
There,  you  are  loyal  to  your  friend  —  but  I  under 
stand.  In  these  days  when  the  aristocracy  is  so 
hard  pressed,  it  is  their  friends  that  are  thrust 
upon  them.  And  now,  you  may  find  Edith;  you 
have  my  permission  —  James.  I  hope  you  will 
allow  me  to  call  you  James.  Don't  be  shy  with 
her.  She  is  a  problem,  but  if  she  is  managed 
rightly,  she  will  turn  out  to  be  a  fine  woman. 
She  has  already  something  of  the  English  man 
ner  —  the  English  rudeness,  one  might  say.  It 
is  enough  to  begin  with.  She  loves  you,  James, 
I  am  sure  of  it.  But  I  confess  that  I  am  as 
tonished  that  it  has  come  about  so  quickly. 

BARKING 

Really,   Mrs.   Blackwell  —  I   say  —  I   had   no 
notion  of  it,  upon  my  word  —  I'm  overwhelmed. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  173 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Don't  look  so  frightened.  Why  is  it  men  are 
always  frightened  ?  Here  she  comes !  Now  do 
be  courageous  —  James. 

(Exit,  throwing  him  a  kiss.) 

BARKING 

Oh,  my  God  —  she  loves  me !     I  might  have 
known  it.     Why  was  I  such  a  fool?     I  might 
have  known  it.     What  am  I  to  say? 
(Enter  EDITH,  unconcernedly.     She  looks  at  him. 

He  puts  up  his  monocle  and  backs  away  from 

her.) 

Er  —  ahem !     Er  —  ahem ! 

EDITH 

Why,  Lord  Tredbury !  I'm  afraid  your  wetting 
didn't  improve  your  throat  any.  I'm  so  sorry. 

BARKING 

Er  —  I  have  a  far  worse  affliction  than  the 
throat,  Miss  Blackwell. 

EDITH 

(Approaching  him  with  mock  anxiety.) 
Oh,  tell  me  what  it  is,  Lord  Tredbury ! 


I74  THE   TITLE- MART  ACT  in 

BARKING 

(Backs  away.) 
I  say  —  you  —  you  mustn't  call  me  that. 

EDITH 
(Meaningly.) 
What  shall  I  call  you? 

BARKING 

(Desperately.) 

I  —  I  have  something  to  tell  you,  Miss  Black- 
well.     I   tried   to   tell   Mrs.    Blackwell  —  er  —  I 
really  can't  say  how  distressed  —  and  yet  —  ahem 
-  and    yet    how    I  —  er  —  tingle    with  —  er  — 
something  I  never  felt  before. 

EDITH 
The  symptoms  sound  familiar. 

BARKING 

(Transported.) 

I  say,  do  they?  I  came  down  this  morning 
resolved  to  tell  your  mother  something,  to  tell  you 
something,  and  —  and  —  I  find  I've  lost  my  head. 

EDITH 

(With  concern.) 
Have  you  missed  it  long? 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  175 

BARKING 
Eh? 

(Looks  at  her,  but  is  reassured  by  her 

sympathetic  manner.) 

I  can't  describe  how  your  presence  affects  me. 
I  didn't  sleep  a  wink  last  night,  not  a  wink,  screw 
ing  up  my  courage  to  the  sticking  point. 

(Gazes  at  her  tenderly.) 

I  believe  no  man  was  ever  in  such  a  horrible 
plight,  really.  You  see  I'm  all  dressed  to  go  away. 
I  found  out  about  the  train.  I  asked  the  footman 
for  a  Bradshaw,  and  he  brought  me  some  kind 
of  a  cocktail  —  before  breakfast,  mind  you.  I 
drank  it  —  I  was  in  such  a  state. 

(EDITH  is  laughing  quietly.) 
It  seems  I  wanted  the  Baby  Pathfinder.  Now 
I  can't  go.  I  hoped  —  yes  —  I  hoped  for  your 
sake,  for  both  our  sakes,  that  this  would  not  come 
about,  Miss  Blackwell  —  Edith.  You  are  too 
true  a  woman  to  love  me  for  my  —  er  —  title. 
If  it  were  otherwise,  I  would  not  say  what  I  am 
going  to  say. 

(MR.  PEPYS  is  seen  strolling  over  the 
terrace  towards  the  windows.  They 
both  look  up.) 

EDITH 

(Runs  towards  the  door,  lower  Right, 
turns  and  looks  at  him  bewitchingly.) 


1 76  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

Don't    say    it    now.     We    might   go    canoeing 
again  this  evening. 

(Exit.  BARKING  crosses  over,  Right,  and 
stands  looking  after  her.  Enter  PEPYS 
through  a  rear  window.) 

PEPYS 

Morning,    Lord    Tredbury.     We    missed    you 
last  night. 

BARKING 
(Turning.) 

Er  —  yes  —  the  fact  is,  I  went  to  bed  early.     I 
was  —  er  —  quite  exhausted. 

PEPYS 

Hope  you're  rested.     You  look  fairly  fit. 

(Goes  to  the  table,  picks  up  a  paper, 
crosses  over  to  a  chair,  Left,  and  sits 
down.  Unperceived,  he  gives  BARK 
ING  an  amused  look  from  behind  the 
paper.) 

BARKING 

(Walks  to  the  windows,  rear,  hesitates, 
comes  halfway  back,  looks  at  PEPYS, 
who  is  apparently  immersed  in  his 
reading.  Coughs.) 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  177 

I  say,  Pepys,  you're  a  devilish  good  sort  of  a 
chap. 

PEPYS 

(Lowering  his  paper  and  smiling.) 
Thanks. 

BARKING 

A  man  of  the  world,  and  all  that  kind  of  thing. 
A  chap  who  would  never  —  er  —  betray  a  con 
fidence. 

PEPYS 
I  can't  recall  ever  having  betrayed  one. 

BARKING 

I  say,  I'm  in  the  devil  of  a  scrape,  don't  you 
know.  I've  a  great  mind  to  tell  you  all  about  it 
—  to  —  er  —  You  seem  so  dashed  level-headed. 


PEPYS 
What's  the  trouble,  Lord  Tredbury? 

BARKING 

Well  —  er  —  the  first  trouble  is,  you  know,  by 
jove  _  i'n  tell  you.     I'm  not  Lord  Tredbury. 


1 78  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

PEPYS 

(With  pretended  astonishment.} 
Not  Lord  Tredbury  !     Would  it  be  impertinent 
to  ask  who  you  are? 

BARKING 

Not  at  all,  my  dear  chap ;  I'm  Reginald  Barking. 
(Looking    around    uneasily,    as    though 

jearing  interruption.) 

It's  a  long  story.  The  other  chap  is  Lord  Tred 
bury.  He  has  to  marry  an  American,  and  —  er 
—  he  had  Miss  Blackwell  in  mind  for  the  position. 

PEPYS 
(Dryly.) 
Oh,  I  see. 

BARKING 

But  mind  you,  he  got  a  letter  saying  she  wouldn't 
do  at  all,  and  begged  me  to  come  up.  I  said, 
" Suppose  she  falls  in  love  with  me!"  "Oh, 
no,"  said  he,  "no  possibility.  Bet  twenty  guineas 
to  one."  Guineas ! 

(Backing  off,  with  a  gesture.) 
Well,  she  has. 

PEPYS 

Fallen  in  love  with  you ! 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  179 

BARKING 

Yes.  I'm  engaged  to  her.  Mrs.  Blackwell  — 
er  —  proposed  this  morning,  and  —  er  —  told  me 
of  Edith's  affection  for  me. 

PEPYS 

(Stifling  laughter.) 
Then  you've  won  your  bet. 

BARKING 

Oh,  damn  that !  There's  the  —  ahem  —  moral 
question.  That's  what  troubles  me.  I'm  happy 
to  say  I'll  have  a  title  of  my  own  some  day. 
This  has  been  a  bit  sudden,  you  know,  but  I 
mean  to  stick  by  my  word.  Of  course,  my 
governor  will  be  horribly  cut  up  —  he  rather 
wished  me  to  marry  into  the  aristocracy. 

PEPYS 
Your  feelings  do  you  credit. 

BARKING 

Thanks,  old  chap.  But  now  —  er  —  how  about 
Mrs.  Blackwell?  I'm  afraid  she'll  rear  a 
bit,  you  know.  I  thought  that  you  —  er  —  as 
a  man  of  the  world  — 

(Seeing  no  encouragement  in  PEPYS'S  jace. ) 
Er  —  what  would  you  advise  me  to  do  ? 


!8o  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

PEPYS 

Confess,  my  dear  fellow.  That's  part  of  the 
joke. 

BARKING 

(Dubiously.) 

Yes.  But,  by  jove,  she's  so  erratic,  you  know. 
She  might  do  anything.  You'll  stand  by  me,  old 
chap.  And  then  —  er  —  it  occurred  to  me  last 
night  that  Mr.  Blackwell  might  take  a  shot  at 
me.  I've  heard  Americans  were  so  handy  with 
revolvers,  and  all  that. 

PEPYS 
(Soberly.) 

You  needn't  be  afraid  of  John;  he  isn't  a  very 
good  shot.  No,  take  my  advice  and  confess  to 
Mrs.  Blackwell.  The  storm  will  blow  over. 
You're  quite  right  to  treat  it  as  a  joke.  By  the 
way,  here  comes  Mrs.  Blackwell  now.  I'd  like 
to  stay  here  and  see  the  fun  if  it  wasn't  for  a 
natural  delicacy. 

BARKING 
(Wildly.) 

Oh,  I  say,  delicacy  be  damned!  Don't  mind 
that !  I  say,  I'd  like  to  have  you  here. 

(He  clutches  PEPYS.    Enter  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL,  lower  Left.) 


ACT  in  THE  TITLE-MART  181 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I'm  so  glad  you've  taken  a  fancy  to  Larry, 
James.     He's  a  dear!    But  where  is  Edith? 

BARKING 

(Looking  at  PEPYS.) 

She    has  —  er  —  stepped    out.     Yes,    stepped 
out  —  that's  it. 

(Puts  in  his  monocle,  and  gazes  foolishly 
off,  lower  Right.) 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Reproachfully.) 
James,  I  hope  you  haven't  quarrelled  already. 

BARKING 

(Aside,  to  PEPYS.) 
I  say,  old  chap,  couldn't  you  drop  her  a  hint? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

I  suppose  James  has  told  you,  Larry.     Yes,  it's 
true. 

(Sighs.) 

When  Lord  Tredbury  spoke  to  me  this  morning 
it  was  a  great  shock,  —  so  sudden,  and  so  little 
time  has  elapsed. 

(PEPYS  turns  away  and  laughs  silently.) 


182  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

But  it  is  best  to  be  sensible  about  these  matters. 
They  are  inevitable. 

BARKING 

(Desperately.} 

Oh,  I  say,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  I  must  tell  you 
something  about  myself. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Interrupting.} 

James,  you  are  so  painfully  honest.  Do  let 
youthful  indiscretions  be  a  closed  book.  We  are 
getting  more  and  more  sensible  about  that  sort  of 
thing  in  America. 

(The  telephone  on  the  table,  down  Left, 
rings,  and  she  goes  to  it.  BARKING 
gazes  at  her  helplessly.  PEPYS,  with 
his  hand  over  his  mouth,  walks  over 
to  the  window,  down  Right,  and  stands 
with  his  back  to  them  during  the  fol 
lowing  scene,  his  shoulders  shaking  in 
termittently  with  laughter.} 

(Enter,  quietly,  by  the  rear  windows,  the  REPORTER. 
He  has  a  rather  large  hand  camera  in  his  hand, 
and  unperceived  by  any  one  he  levels  it  at  BARK 
ING,  who  is  standing  in  an  agonized  position, 
puts  in  the  long  stop,  and  photographs  him.) 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  183 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(At  the  telephone:   simpering.} 
Yes,  dear,  Lord  TREDBURY  is  staying  with  us. 

BARKING 

(Breaking  in  desperately.} 
I  say,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  one  moment. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
(Waving  him  away  with  her  hand,  and 

speaking  into  the  telephone.} 
He  is  just  a  nice,  overgrown  boy  —  so  English, 
and  he's  actually  trying  to  pull  me  away  from  the 
telephone. 

(A  pause.     BARKING  starts  back.} 
What's  that? 

(A  pause.} 

Well,    dear,    how   clever  you   are.     Yes,    you've 
guessed  it  —  Tredbury  and  Edith    are  engaged. 

BARKING 

Oh,  by  jove,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  you  mustn't;  you 
know  —  you  mustn't.  I'll  tell  you  why  if  you'll 
only  listen!  Oh,  my  God! 

(MRS.  BLACKWELL  puts  up  her  hand 
and  smiles  absently,  listening  the  while 
to  the  remarks  that  come  palpitating 
through  the  telephone.  In  the  rear 
the  REPORTER  is  writing  rapidly,  a 
beatific  smile  on  his  face.) 


184  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Into  the  telephone.) 

Dear  Isabel,  I  don't  know  —  Lord  Tredbury 
made  his  proposal  in  form  this  morning ;  he  was 
so  nice  about  it,  so  comme  il  jaut.  I'll  take  Edith 
to  Paris  in  September.  I  think  November's  a 
good  month,  but  it's  difficult  for  people  to  get  into 
town  so  early. 

(A  pause,  during  which  BARKING  stands 

helplessly  resigned.) 

Dear  Isabel,  I  don't  wonder  you're  excited.  I 
couldn't  help  telling  you.  Good-by,  dear,  James 
has  taken  such  a  fancy  to  me  that  he  won't  even 
let  me  talk. 

(She  puts  down  the  receiver.) 


BARKING 
My  God,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  what  have  you  done  ? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Looking  up,  beatifically.) 
James,   don't  be  ridiculous.     There's  no  use 
trying  to  keep  a  thing  like  that  a  secret. 

(REPORTER  coughs  discreetly  and  MRS. 
BLACKWELL,  BARKING,  and  PEPYS 
all  turn  and  face  him.) 


ACT  in  THE  TITLE-MART  185 

(To  REPORTER.) 

What  are  you  doing  here  again?  You  have 
great  temerity,  sir,  to  return. 

REPORTER 

I  was  once  a  war  correspondent,  and  my  paper 
telegraphed  me  last  night  to  get  the  news  at  any 
cost. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  since  you  are  here,  I  may  as  well  tell  you 

(Grandly.) 
—  that  a  marriage  has  been  arranged  — 

BARKING 

(Wildly.) 

Stop,  Mrs.  Blackwell,  stop,  I  command  you! 
You  must  not !  I  must  see  you  alone.  I  insist 
upon  it.  I  demand  it. 

(Enter  EDITH,  lower  Right.) 

REPORTER 

(Picks  up  his  camera,  and  backs  away 
jearfally   at   sight   o)   her:    to   MRS. 
BLACKWELL.) 
Thank  you,   I  think  I  know  everything  — I 


1 86  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

think  I  have  enough.     Good  day,  Mrs.  Black- 
well. 

(Exit,    precipitately,    by    the    rear   win 
dow.) 

PEPYS 

(Aside,   to  EDITH,   as  she  passes  him: 

delightedly.) 
Oh,  you  vixen ! 

EDITH 

(Calmly.) 
What's  the  matter? 

(Enter,  lower  Left,  LADY  MARJORIE.) 

MARJORIE 

Whatever's  the  matter? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Rushing  to  her,  tearfully.) 
Dearest    Marjorie,     don't    you    know?     You 
should  have  been  told  first,  the  very  first,  you  are 
such  a  near  friend  of  Tredbury's. 

(MARJORIE    bewilderingly    tries   to    dis 
engage  herself.) 
Lord  Tredbury,  I  mean  James  — 

(Waves  at  BARKING.) 
and  Edith  are  engaged  to  be  married.     I  am  so 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  187 

excited.     It  only  happened  a  little  while  ago,  and 
I  haven't  had  a  chance  to  tell  you. 

MARJORIE 

(Dramatic,  for  once,  pointing  at  BARK 
ING,  scornfully.) 

Do  you  mean  that  man?  Is  he  engaged  to 
Edith? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Certainly.  He  made  his  proposal  in  form  half 
an  hour  ago  —  and  in  such  good  form. 

BARKING 

(Wildly.) 

Great  heavens,  I  shall  go  mad.  I  did  nothing 
of  the  sort.  I  have  been  trying  to  tell  her  all 
morning,  —  but  she  won't  listen  - 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

James,  you  can't  mean  that  you  have  another 
wife! 

BARKING 
No,  no,  my  God,  no  - 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 
Then  what  are  you  saying? 


1 88  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

BARKING 
I  —  I  —  I  am  not  — 

MARJORIE 

(Interrupting:  sweetly.} 

I  think  he's  been  trying  to  tell  you,  Grace,  that 
he  is  not  Lord  Tredbury. 

BARKING 
(Groaning.) 
Er  —  I  was  just  coming  to  that. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Just  coming  to  it?     What  do  you  mean?     Is 
it  that  you  haven't  yet  come  into  your  title  ? 

BARKING 

Precisely  —  that's  it.     My  governor's  —  er  — 
services  —  er  —  have    meant    so    much    to    the 
party,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing  — 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Your  governor ! 

(Glancing  from  PEPYS  to  MARJORIE.) 
Has  the  man  gone  mad? 

(To  BARKING.) 
What  are  you  talking  about? 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  189 

BARKING 

I  was  referring  to  —  my  father.  He  was  ill 
advised  enough  to  make  a  great  fortune  in  —  er  — 
well,  in  china. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(With  an  agonized  shriek.) 
China !     China ! 

(Overpowered    by    the    enormity    of    the 
news,  she  gazes  at  him  speechless.) 

BARKING 

(With  an  attempt  to  assert  his  dignity.) 
My  father's  choice  of  a  commodity  may  have 
been  misguided,  but  nevertheless  by  his  industry 
and  ability  he  has  built  up  a  business  that  is 
known  wherever  —  wherever  — 

(He  hesitates,  seeing  that  MRS.  BLACK- 
WELL  is  paying  no  attention  to  him.) 

EDITH 

(Calmly.} 
Dishes  are  washed. 

MARJORIE 
(Hastily.) 

Tredbury  is  so  shy,  Grace  —  so  sensitive  about 
people  thinking  that  he  wants  to  sell  his  title  — 


190 


THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 


BARKING 

(Gaining  confidence.) 

And  when  you  took  me  for  him  he  —  er  — 
just  backed  out.  And  then  you  snubbed  him, 
you  know. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

You  don't  mean  to  tell  me  it  was  Lord  Tred- 
bury  that  I  - 

(At  this  point  MRS.  BLACKWELL'S  eye 
lights  on  the  telephone  instrument  on 
the  table,  and,  gazing  at  it,  she  sud 
denly  becomes  transfixed  with  horror, 
struck  dumb,  as  it  were.  They  all 
move  a  step  towards  her  anxiously.) 

EDITH 
What's  the  matter,  Grace? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Panting.) 
The  telephone ! 

(Wildly.) 

I've  announced  the  engagement.  I've  told 
Isabel  Sibley,  and  I'm  sure  it's  all  around  the 
lake  by  this!  Oh,  what  shall  I  do?  And  the 
reporter!  Larry,  do  try  to  catch  him,  and  tell 
him  it's  all  a  mistake.  He's  only  had  ten  minutes' 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART 


191 


start.  If  you  run  fast,  you  can  catch  him  before 
he  reaches  the  village. 

(Exit  PEPYS,  rear.) 

I  hope  he  can  run  faster  than  that.  And  where 
is  Lord  Tredbury?  John  had  him  here  only 
last  night.  I  might  have  known  him,  he  was 
such  a  mauvais  garcon. 

(To  BARKING,  pointing  at  the  bell.) 
Ring  the  bell ! 

(BARKING  obeys  mechanically.) 
Tredbury  must  be  found! 

(Enter  BUTLER,  lower  Left.) 

(To  BUTLER.) 

Stetson,  do  you  remember  a  —  a  Mr.  Barking 
who  —  was  visiting  Mr.  Blackwell? 

BUTLER 

Perfectly,  Madam. 

(He  points  out  of  the  window,   indig 
nantly.) 

'E  was  'ere  not  an  hour  ago,  Madam.  I  seed 
a  man  a-hidin'  be'ind  the  balustrade,  and  I  goes 
out  to  ask  'im  'is  business,  and  'e  was  gone. 
Once  I  seed  'im  a-hidin'  in  the  syringes. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

He   must   be   found,    Stetson.     Telephone   his 
description  to  the  stables,'  to  the  lodge,   to  the 


192  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

village  —  everywhere.  He  must  be  treated  with 
every  courtesy  and  brought  back.  Do  you  under 
stand,  Stetson?  He  is  Lord  Tredbury. 

BUTLER 

(Imperturbably.) 
Very  good,  Madam. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Sitting  down.) 

The  aristocracy  is  unaccountable!     Oh,  what 
shall  I  do ! 

(As  the  BUTLER  exits  Left,  he  runs  into 
MR.  BLACKWELL  in  a  linen  duster. 
MR.  BLACKWELL  exclaims,  BUTLER 
begs  his  pardon,  and  exits.  As  MR. 
BLACKWELL  recoils  from  the  shock, 
his  eye  lights  on  BARKING,  and  at  the 
same  time  MR.  BLACKWELL  puts  his 
hand  to  his  hip  pocket.  BARKING 
exits  precipitately,  lower  Left,  and 
MR.  BLACKWELL  produces  a  handker 
chief  from  his  pocket.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Looking    after    BARKING    in    astonish 
ment.) 
Is  everybody  crazy?     I  just  met  Larry  Pepys 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  193 

going  like  a  madman  at  hare  and  hounds.  He 
wouldn't  pay  any  attention  to  me.  I  never  saw 
him  move  faster  than  a  walk  in  his  life.  And 
why  did  he  run  away? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Rising:    not  noticing  BARKING'S  exit.) 
John,  has  he  run  away?     I  was  in  hopes  you 
had  him. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Had  him !  Oh,  you're  talking  about  the  other 
one.  That's  what  I  came  in  for.  Haven't  you 
got  him?  It  wouldn't  be  the  first  time  you'd 
enticed  one  of  my  guests  away  from  me.  I 
thought  you'd  be  after  him. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Oh,  John,  you  don't  mean  to  say  you've  lost 
him.  How  stupid  of  you  1 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(With  some  heat.) 

Stupid !  I  don't  see  why  you  are  so  interested, 
Grace,  when  you  snubbed  him.  How  was  I 
to  know  he  wanted  to  escape  1  I  went  into 
Fowler's  chicken  yard  about  half -past  seven  this 


J94  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

morning,  left  this  Barking  in  the  buggy,  and 
when  I  came  out,  he'd  tied  the  horse  to  the  fence 
and  skipped. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Skipped ! 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Yes,  skipped.  Thank  God  he  didn't  take  the 
horse  and  buggy.  I  call  that  a  durned  mean 
return  for  my  kindness,  when  I  was  going  to 
show  him  the  country  and  the  house  I  was  born 
in.  I'll  never  forgive  him.  He  deceived  me  — 
went  to  bed  last  night  before  I  had  finished  my 
dinner  so  that  he  might  be  fresh  for  to-day's 
pleasure. 

(Snorts.     Looks    around    and    his    eye 

lights  on  MARJORIE.     Sternly.) 
But  I  have  a  notion  who's  responsible.     Have 
you  any  other  ladies  in  your  house  party  ? 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Mystified.) 
No.     Why? 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Interrupting:  to  MARJORIE.) 
Then  I'll  thank  you  to  keep  out  of  my  rooms. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  195 

MARJORIE 
Out  of  your  rooms ! 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Yes,  out  of  my  rooms.  The  view  is  very  fine 
from  my  window,  is  it? 

MARJORIE 

(Haughtily.} 
I  don't  know  anything  about  your  view. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Humph  !  Of  course  not.  I'll  have  you  under 
stand  I'm  a  respectable  man,  and  not  given  to 
intrigues.  I  won't  have  my  good  name  ruined 
by  any  woman,  and  I  won't  have  any  woman 
talk  about  me  familiarly  behind  my  back. 

(To  MRS.  BLACKWELL.) 

You  can  have  your  lords  and  actresses,  Madam, 
as  long  as  they  are  harmless  tomfooleries,  but  I 
stipulate  they  shan't  interfere  with  me.  When 
the  actresses  come  into  my  rooms,  and  talk  about 
the  view  from  my  window,  out  they  go.  I  mean 
it.  Ask  this  Miss  Davenport,  or  whatever  her 
name  is,  where  Mr.  Barking's  gone.  She  can 
tell  you  if  she  will. 


196  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

(Towards  the  end  of  this  speech,  BARKING 
is  seen  peering  in  through  rear  win 
dows.  M  ARJORIE  now  walks  out  through 
a  rear  window,  her  nose  in  the  air.  Is 
seen  to  join  BARKING,  and  they  have  a 
short  conversation  in  pantomime  before 
they  disappear.) 


MRS.  BLACK  WELL 

(Who  has  been  fidgeting  in  horror.     Run 
ning  to  MR.  BLACKWELL.) 
John,  there's  some  terrible  mistake.    You  don't 
know  what  you've  done. 

(In  an  awed  voice.) 
That  was  Lady  Marjorie  Ticknor! 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  I  beg  Lady  Marjorie's  pardon.  I  thought 
you  told  me  all  the  women  were  here.  Where  is 
this  Davenport  woman? 

(With  inspiration.) 

By  George,  I  have  it !     Barking's  gone  off  with 
her. 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

(Distractedly:  going  of}  Left.) 
Oh,  I  can't  waste  any  more  time  with  you. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  19? 

Everything's    ruined    now    by    your    stupidity. 

Something  must  be  done ! 

(Exit,  lower  Lejt.  MR.  BLACKWELL 
watches  her  go  in  astonishment,  and 
then  turns  to  EDITH,  bewildered.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  this  beats  me !  I've  seen  Grace  and  her 
parties  in  a  ruction  before,  but  never  to  equal 
this.  Edith,  you  look  sane.  Tell  me,  what  the 
deuce  is  the  matter? 

EDITH 

(Putting  her  arms  around  his  neck.) 
Dear  old  Daddy,  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it.     I 
never  meant  to  fool  you. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Laughs.) 

Oh,  it's  some  of  your  tricks.     I  might  have 
known. 

(Comically.) 

But  don't  you  think  it's  a  little  dangerous  to  push 
Grace  as  far  as  that?  She's  really  in  a  pretty 
bad  way.  What  have  you  done  —  you  —  you 
witch? 

(Fondles  her.) 


<98  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

EDITH 

Really,  it  wasn't  my  fault,  Dad.  That  is, 
most  of  it  wasn't.  It's  so  mixed  up  I  scarcely 
know  where  to  begin. 

(Enter  FOOTMAN,  upper  Left.) 

FOOTMAN 

Please,  Miss,  Doctor  'Awkins  'appened  to  be 
up  at  Mr.  Townsend's  and  'card  about  your  mare. 
'E's  in  the  stable  now,  Miss. 

EDITH 

Daddy,  wait  till  I  come  back,  and  I'll  tell  you 
all  about  it. 

(Exit,  through  rear  windows.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 
(To  FOOTMAN.) 

Where  is  this  actress  who's  visiting  Mrs.  Black- 
well? 

FOOTMAN 

There's  no  h'actress  in  the  'ouse,  as  I  know  of, 
sir. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(In  disgust.) 
You're  a  darned  fool,  too. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  199 

(FOOTMAN  still  stands  respectfully.) 
What  are  you  waiting  for? 

FOOTMAN 

If  you  please,  sir,  a  groom  was  returning  from 
the  village  with  the  mail  and  found  Mr.  Pepys 
sitting  by  the  road,  all  in  a  'eat,  sir,  wet  through. 
'E's  taken  'im  into  your  study.  It  looks  remark 
able  like  h'apoplexy,  sir. 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

Well,  I'll  be  -      I'll  go  to  him. 

(Exit,  upper  Left,  followed  by  FOOTMAN. 
At  the  same  instant,  BARKING  and 
LADY  MARJORIE  are  seen  looking  in 
at  the  windows,  rear.  MARJORIE  enters 
boldly,  followed  with  some  caution,  by 
BARKING.  They  come  down  centre.) 

MARJORIE 

There's  no  one  here. 

(Laughs.) 

For  title-hunters,  commend  me  to  the  free  and 
democratic  American  nation.  These  people  mean 
to  have  poor  Treddy  dead  or  alive. 

(Looking  up  at  BARKING.) 
You  had  a  narrow  escape,  rather. 


200  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

BARKING 

I  was  quite  defenceless,  you  know.  There 
was  nothing  better  than  a  paper  cutter  at  hand. 

MARJORIE 

I  was  talking  about  —  the  other  danger.  As 
I  said  just  now,  I  could  have  told  you  she  was 
a  designing,  cold-blooded  girl,  if  I  had  dared  to 
speak. 

BARKING 

(With  feeling.) 

Dared  !  Oh,  Lady  Marjorie  !  If  you  had  only 
given  me  a  hint  last  night  that  I  occupied  even  a 
small  niche  in  —  in  your  —  er  —  thoughts ! 

MARJORIE 

How  could  I?     You  were  in  bed. 

(Looking  up  at  him,  ingenuously.) 
Mr.  Barking,  I  hope  you'll  forgive  me  for  talking 
to  you  on  the  terrace  just  now  like  a  grandmother. 

BARKING 

I  say,  you  don't  look  like  a  grandmother,  and 
—  er  —  I  don't  feel  as  if  you  were. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  201 

MARJORIE 

Flatterer!  Well,  then,  as  I  tried  to  impress 
upon  you,  a  man  of  your  career,  and  your  future, 
should  marry  a  woman  of  the  world ;  a  woman  of 
tact,  a  grande  dame,  if  you  like,  a  person  of  whom 
you  would  be  proud  when  you  become  Prime 
Minister. 

BARKING 

(A  step  towards  her.) 
Lady  Marjorie  —  . 

MARJORIE 

(Without  seeming  to  pay  attention.) 
She  need  not  be  rich  —  necessarily,  nor  a 
beauty,  but  she  should  have  —  well  —  friends  at 
court,  who  will  help  you  to  a  title  of  your  own, 
when  the  time  comes.  A  —  a  duke  in  the  family 
goes  a  long  way,  you  know,  even  in  these  days. 
There,  I've  said  it ! 

BARKING 
Lady  Marjorie !    When  I  saw  you  — 

(MARJORIE  goes  off,  Left.) 
Where  are  you  going? 

MARJORIE 

To  tell  my  maid  to  pack.  I  really  can't  stay 
with  Grace  after  this,  and  that  horrible  Mr. 
Blackwell  has  insulted  me. 


202  THE  TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

BARKING 

You  — 

(Swallows.) 
you  are  going  on  my  account. 

MARJORIE 

(Standing  with  her  back  to  him,  looking 

over  her  shoulder,  smiling.) 
Let's  call  it  national  pride.     It  —  sounds  better. 
(Turns  her  head  away,  but  does  not  go.) 

BARKING 

(Taking  a  step  or  two  after  her.) 
Oh,  Lady  Marjorie,  if  I  only  dared. 

MARJORIE 
(SofOy.) 

I  thought  you  would  dare  anything. 

BARKING 

I  do.  I  dare!  You  are  the  one  I  have  been 
waiting  for  all  my  life.  You  little  know  it,  but 
you  have  sketched  yourself  as  I  have  always  seen 
you  in  my  heart ! 

(Runs    to    her,    seizes    her    hand.     Her 

head  is  still  turned  away.) 
Won't  you  look  at  me? 


ACT  in  THE  TITLE-MART 


203 


MARJORIE 

(Turns  her  head  and  looks  at  him.) 
We'll  talk  about  it  —  at  Lenox. 

(Suddenly  EDITH  appears  in  the  French 
window,  rear,  and  MARJORIE  drops 
BARKING'S  hand  hastily.) 

EDITH 

(Entering    and    smiling    at    them.     To 

BARKING.) 

It's  much  more  appropriate  than  if  you  were  to 
marry  me,  isn't  it? 

(BARKING,  hugely  embarrassed,  does  not 

answer. ) 

I   could   have   told  you   that  Lady   Marjorie  — 
admired  you  tremendously. 

BARKING 
Er  —  admired  me  ? 

MARJORIE 
It's  quite  evident  why  you  didn't. 

EDITH 

Quite.     He  was  making  love  to  me  as  Lord 
Tredbury. 


204 


THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 


MARJORIE 

And  of  course  you  couldn't  afford  to  run  the 
risk  of  losing  a  title. 

EDITH 

I  felt  that  Mr.  Barking  couldn't  afford  to  run 
that  risk  either.  That's  the  reason  I  didn't  show 
him  this  letter  which  I  believe  Lady  Marjorie 
wrote  to  Lord  Tredbury. 

(Produces    jrom    her    pocket    the    letter. 
MARJORIE    recognizes    it    and    starts 
forward,  blanching.) 
(To  BARKING.) 

If  you  knew  the  very  complimentary  things 
Lady  Marjorie  wrote  about  you  in  this  letter,  I 
am  sure  you  would  be  convinced. 

BARKING 

I  say,  did  she?     I  had  no  idea  — 
(Looks  slyly  at  MARJORIE.) 

MARJORIE 

(Beside  herself.) 

I  don't  think  it  quite  honorable,  let  us  say,  to 
read  other  people's  letters. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  205 

EDITH 

(Looking  at  her.) 
Neither  do  I. 

(Smiling. ) 

I  happen  to  know  the  contents  because  Lord 
Tredbury  read  this  letter  aloud  — 

BARKING 

Tredbury ! 

MARJORIE 
Lord  Tredbury  read  that  letter  aloud? 

EDITH 

To  Dotty  Davenport.     You  were  not  the  only 
person  mentioned,  Mr.  Barking. 

(Looking  at  MARJORIE.) 

There  was  something  said  about  the  unattractive, 
impossible,  and  hoidenish  Miss  Blackwell.  But 
it's  all  quite  true,  so  there's  no  harm  done. 

(MARJORIE  and  BARKING  are  speechless.) 

(To  BARKING.) 

If  I  had  not  had  other  indications,  I  should 
have  guessed  from  this 

(Tapping  letter.) 
that  you  were  not  Lord  Tredbury. 


206  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

BARKING 

You  knew  I  was  not  Lord  Tredbury?  You 
knew  all  the  time  ?  Oh,  by  jove  ! 

EDITH 

I  am  going  to  give  back  Lady  Marjorie  her 
letter,  but  I  hope  she  will  not  tell  you  what  is  in 
it. 

(A  slight  pause.) 
It  might  turn  your  head. 

(Hands  MARJORIE  the  letter.) 

MARJORIE 
(Takes  it  and  crushes  it.) 

EDITH 

And  now,  if  you  will  accept  my  congratu 
lations  — 

BARKING 

(Starts  forward  and  takes  her  hand.) 
Upon  my  word,  Miss  Blackwell,  you're  a  brick. 
I  —  I  don't  know  what  to  say. 

EDITH 
Don't  say  anything. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  207 

MARJORIE 

(Taking  EDITH'S  hand.) 
Edith,  I'm  afraid  I  did  you  an  —  an  injustice. 

EDITH 
I'm  afraid  you  did. 

MARJORIE 
If  I  ever  can  be  of  service  to  you,  in  England  — 

EDITH 

You  are  very  kind.  I  shall  remember  it  — 
if  I  ever  go  to  England.  And  now,  if  you  don't 
object  to  my  giving  you  both  a  tip,  I  think  —  if 
I  were  you  —  I  should  take  a  walk  in  the  pine 
woods. 

BARKING 
Thanks  awfully. 

(To  MARJORIE.) 
Er  —  do  you  mind  ? 

MARJORIE 

(Hesitating:   then  deciding.) 
Well,  I'll  go  if  you  like. 

(Exeunt  MARJORIE  and  BARKING,  lower 

Right.) 

(A  commotion  is  heard  and  HIRAM  and  TRED- 
BURY,   accompanied  by  MR.   BLACKWELL,   are 


208  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  m 

seen  crossing  the  terrace,  all  talking,  and  ap 
proaching  the  windows  in  the  rear.  Enter 
these  three,  all  talking  at  once,  HIRAM  carry 
ing  a  heavy  dressing  case,  TREDBURY  a  hand 
bag,  which  each  deposits  as  he  comes  down. 
MR.  BLACKWELL  and  TREDBURY  are  together, 
HIRAM  a  little  apart  and  behind  them.  EDITH 
runs  to  upper  Lejt  where  she  remains,  unseen 
by  the  three.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(To  TREDBURY.) 
You  thought  my  daughter  was  an  actress? 

TREDBURY 

(To  HIRAM.) 

Why  the  devil  didn't  you  say  Miss  Blackwell 
told  you  to  arrest  me?  I  wouldn't  have  men 
tioned  the  ambassador. 

HIRAM 

(Who  is  apologizing  to  MR.  BLACKWELL.) 

Wimmen   is   awful   critters   to   tempt   a   man, 

John,  you  know  that.     But,  by  godfrey,  he  did 

look  like  a  crook  when  he  was  workin'  through 

Easy  Jones'  woods  with  that  there  sample  case. 

(Points  to  dressing  case.) 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  209 

(To  TREDBURY.) 

So  you're  a  lord !  I  want  to  know !  I  don't 
mind  shakin'  hands  with  ye,  anyhow,  and  sayin' 
I'm  sorry.  You  ain't  such  a  durned  fool  after  all. 

(Puts  out  his  hand.) 

TREDBURY 

(Taking  it:   laughing.) 

Thanks,  Mr.  Peters.  If  you'd  only  mentioned 
who  made  the  complaint,  I  would  have  led  the 
way. 

(EDITH  disappears,  upper  Left.) 

MR.  BLACKWELL 

(Biting  off  a  cigar.) 

Hiram,  I  guess  young  people  will  be  young 
people. 

(To  TREDBURY.) 

I  won't  deny  I've  had  a  prejudice  against  titles, 
too ;  you  may  have  gathered  that  from  my  conver 
sation.  There,  young  man,  I  like  you,  and  you've 
owned  up  honestly.  I'll  forgive  you.  But  she's 
very  dear  to  me,  in  spite  of  her  tricks. 

(Brushes  his  eyes.  TREDBURY  seizes  his 
hand,  and  wrings  it  in  silence.  Sud 
denly  a  great  squawking  is  heard  in  the 
rear,  as  of  a  general  cock  fight  in  prog 
ress,  and  MR.  BLACKWELL  and  HIRAM 


210  THE   TITLE- MART  ACT  in 

both  exit  through  the  rear  window,  pre 
cipitately.  EDITH  comes  in,  upper  Lejt, 
unconcernedly,  and  stands  a  moment  gaz 
ing  out  oj  rear  windows  after  them.) 

EDITH 
(Turning.) 

How  shameful  of  the  sheriff  to  neglect  his  duty ! 
Why  has  he  left  the  prisoner  alone  ? 

TREDBURY 

Miss  Blackwell ! 

EDITH 

(Coming  down  and  seating  herself  in  a 
large   armchair;    with   mock   dignity, 
imitating  a  judge.} 
Why  has  the  prisoner  been  released? 

TREDBURY 

May  it  please  your  Lordship,  the  complainant 
didn't  appear,  you  know. 

EDITH 

Well,  what  have  you  to  say  for  yourself?    Why 
did  you  run  away? 

TREDBURY 

(Gloomily.) 
It's  no  easier  to  confess  now  than  it  was  before 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  211 

I  went.     Of  course,  I've  been  an  ass,  I  don't 
deny  it. 

(Impulsively.) 

If  you  were  only  Dotty  Davenport,  I  could  tell 
you  all. 

EDITH 

That  isn't  a  proper  way  to  address  a  —  a 
magistrate.  And,  besides,  I  don't  expect  you  to 
incriminate  yourself.  I  will  give  the  prisoner  to 
understand  that  this  trial  will  be  conducted  in  all 
fairness. 

TREDBURY 

By  jove,  I  should  say  it  was  a  trial. 

(A  noise  is  heard  off.    TREDBURY  looks 

around.) 

And,  by  the  way,  I'm  not  supposed  to  come  in 
this  part  of  the  house,  you  know. 

EDITH 

Oh,  you  needn't  be  alarmed ;  Mrs.  Blackwell  is 
off  looking  for  Lord  Tredbury. 

TREDBURY 
(Starting.) 
For  Tredbury? 

EDITH 
Yes.     He  escaped,  you  know.     Mrs.  Blackwell 


212  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

is  having  the  surrounding  country  searched;  the 
woods  beaten.  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  she'd  of 
fered  a  reward  for  him,  if  produced  alive.  The 
demand  for  titles  is  so  great  in  America  that  we 
never  let  one  escape  without  an  effort  to  recap 
ture  it. 

TREDBURY 

(Laughs  uneasily.') 

So  he's  run  away.  Oh,  by  jove !  And  do  you 
mean  to  tell  me  they're  chasing  him?  I  hope  they 
give  him  a  good,  round  thrashing.  You  wouldn't 
mind  telling  me  the  immediate  cause  of  his  flight. 

EDITH 

Well,  I  think  he  ran  away  for  fear  he  would 
have  to  marry  me. 

TREDBURY 

(Starting  forward:   in  anger  and  amaze 
ment.) 

For  fear  —  You  don't  mean  that.  You're 
joking  —  you  couldn't  love  him. 

EDITH 

Love  is  bourgeois;  only  the  lower  classes  and 
fools  marry  for  love.  We  are  learning  better  in 
America  —  nowadays  our  marriages  are  arranged. 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  213 

TREDBURY 

You  didn't  agree  to  marry  him.  I  know  you 
didn't.  If  a  man  were  poor  and  needy  and  re 
jected  — 

EDITH 

(Interrupting.} 
No.     I  didn't  agree  to  marry  —  Mr.  Barking. 

TREDBURY 

(With  a  sudden  flash  of  understanding.) 
Mr.  Barking. 

EDITH 

Don't  interrupt.  Mr.  Barking  has  already  been 
sufficiently  punished.  He  is  about  to  serve  a  life 
sentence  —  he  is  going  to  marry  Lady  Marjorie. 

TREDBURY 

(Bursting  into  laughter.) 
To  marry  Marjorie  !     I'm  —  I'm  revenged. 

(Coming  forward  impetuously.) 
Ah,  was  there  ever  such  a  woman  in  the  world  as 
you  !  How  could  I  have  been  such  a  fool !  I  see 
it  now,  you've  known  all  the  time  —  you  knew 
who  I  was  when  we  met  at  the  Post-office.  I 
loved  Dotty  Davenport.  I  would  have  followed 
her  to  the  ends  of  the  earth.  I  plead  guilty,  but 
that's  my  excuse.  I  love  you,  Edith  — 


214  THE   TITLE-MART  ACT  in 

EDITH 
(Rising.) 

Aren't  you  afraid  of  being  fined  for  contempt? 
The  court  will  adjourn. 

TREDBURY 

(Seizing  her  hands.) 

I  throw  myself  on  the  mercy  of  the  court. 
Edith !  Have  you  nothing  to  say  ?  Can  you 
give  me  no  hope? 

EDITH 

Well  —  I  think  I  will  give  you  —  a  life  sen 
tence,  too. 

TREDBURY 

(Seizing  her  in  his  arms.) 
And  I  will  love  you  and  serve  you  all  my  life. 
(A  pause.) 

EDITH 

(Trying  to  disengage  herself  and  glanc 
ing  out,  Right,  where  the  loggia  is.) 
Here  comes  Grace. 

(Looking  at  him,  with  laughter  in  her 

eyes.) 

She  will  think  —  we  have  been  wrestling  again. 
(Enter,  lower  Right,    MRS.    BLACKWELL.       She 
takes  in  the  situation  at  a  glance.) 


ACT  in  THE   TITLE-MART  215 

MRS.  BLACKWELL 

Edith !  You've  found  him !  Thank  heaven, 
those  women  won't  have  a  chance  to  talk !  I've 
never  been  so  relieved  in  all  my  life. 

(Sinking  into  a  chair  and  fanning  her 
self.) 

Oh,   James,   come  here.     How  could  you  have 
been  so  naughty ! 

CURTAIN 


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